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Full transcript for episode FG411
"8
Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter"
Episode starts in the Griffin's
living room by the front door. Peter and Lois are both wearing
fancy clothes
Lois: Thanks for babysitting,
Meg. We'll be back in a couple of hours.
Meg: I don't understand why
I have to babysit Stewie. I mean, what's he really gonna do
if we leave him by himself?
(cut to Stewie typing away at some
sort of machine.)
Stewie: And now to test my teleportation
pods!
(Stewie jumps down off the stool
and runs into the left teleportation pod. Once in the
pod, the camera zooms out to show that Rupert is lying in
the pod as well.)
Stewie: Oh damn!
(The left teleportation pod lights
up. The camera scrolls to the right pod, it lights up and
smoke fills the pod. Stewie runs out screaming, half human,
half stuffed bear, having evolved into "Griffin-Rupert".)
Stewie: I'M A MONSTER!
Theme
Song
(Cut to the living room again. Meg
and Stewie are sitting on the couch, bored out of their minds.)
Stewie: So, um...t-this is,
uh, awkward, but, uh, h-have we ever actually, you know, met?
I mean y-you know I-I don't even know, say, for example, if
you have a room up there. You know, a room? I have a room.
You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now, you'll probably get
a full page in the yearbook. So, um...you know, that's something
to think about- (Stewie burps) Oh, I just burped.
(The doorbell rings. Neil Goldman
is at the door.)
Neil: Hi Meg, you busy Saturday
night?
Meg: Neil, you ask me out, like,
once a day, and I always give you the same answer: No!
(Meg pushes Neil and slams the door.)
Meg: God, I don't think I could
have been any clearer the last time I turned him down.
(Cut to an episode of "Everybody
Loves Raymond")
Debra: Ray, your mother insulted
my steak pizzola again.
(Meg Griffin walks on into the middle
of the set for Everybody Loves Raymond.)
Meg: Neil Goldman of Quahog,
Rhode Island -- (Shouting) Leave me alone! I hate you!
I hate you!
(Meg walks off the set)
Debra: Anyway, your mother insulted--
Ray: (Cutting her off) I don't care anymore, Patty. After nine seasons, I just don't
care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch.
(Debra grabs a wine bottle next
to her, breaks it on the couch, and advances towards Ray.
The familiar piano music from the show starts playing.)
(Cut to Goldman's Pharmacy. Peter
drives up to the pharmacy, parks the car, and walks in.)
Peter: Hey Mort, Lois and I
are out on a date night, uh, why don't you give me some condoms?
And some Excedrin. My wife's got a headache (moves his
hands toward his crotch) THIS big. (laughing) You
know? It's like from the commercial. (moves his hands toward
his head) This big? Only it's my junk.
Mort: Alright, then. Twelve
dollars and forty-three cents.
Peter: Aw, jeez, that's more
of a ripoff than that breakfast machine I bought.
(Cut to Peter in the kitched with
a giant elaborate Mouse-Trap style machine. Peter lights a
candle, which burns a rope. The rope drops an anvil, the anvil
hits a switch, and the switch starts a conveyor belt. The
conveyor belt powers a mini Ferris wheel, which hits some
flags, makes a propellor spin, and a ball go through a tube.
The ball is eaten by a toy dinosaur, which flings it on its
tail and hits a toy drinking bird. The bird presses a button,
a balloon fills up with air. Attached to the balloon is a
string which is tied to the trigger of a gun. The balloon
starts to float upwards, the string gets tighter, the gun
trigger is pulled and Peter is shot in the arm.)
Peter: Gah! Ow! Ow, What was
the point of all that? Ow, all it does is shoot ya! It doesn't
make breakfast at all! Oww!
(Cut back to Peter at the pharmacy.)
Peter: Besides, I forgot my
wallet.
Mort: Well, that's ok, I'll
just open up a tab.
Peter: Wait a minute, what the
hell is a tab? Does that mean I don't gotta pay?
Mort: Well, not right now but--
Peter: (cutting Mort off) Aww sweet! Hey, while I'm at it, gimmie all these copies of
Marie Claire. Y'know in case I wanna rub out that easy one
before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort: Kathleen Turner's on page
45.
Peter: (excited) Kathleen
Turner, eh, let's see how she looks and- (turns to the
right page, not excited anymore) Aww, that's a shame.
(Cut to back in the Griffin's living
room. Meg is watching TV on the couch.)
TV Announcer: And now back to
the Kids' Choice Awards, with host, Paula Poundstone!
(close up of the TV)
Paula: (pointing into the
audience) I choose you, and you, and you. So, come up!
(The kids are hesitant.)
Paula: (Shouting) I said
let's go!
(The chosen kids come up on stage.
Paula moves back one of the curtains and leads them backstage.
Cut back to the living room)
Stewie: (shouting from upstairs) Meg! Meg, I'm hungry! There's a granola bar in the cupboard,
I want it!
(Stewie comes downstairs.)
Stewie: Hey. Hey! What's this?
What's goin' on? Am I talking to myself up there?
Meg: Oh my God, Stewie! (Shouting) Just shut up and go to bed!
Stewie: Do you know what I do,
Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.
(Cut to the front door, Lois and
Peter walk in)
Meg: Finally! Look, mom, I've
had it! I'm not babysitting anymore! It's Saturday night,
I could be out having a life!
Lois: Meg, if you don't want
to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there
and lie to me.
Peter: Oh Meg, she torched your
ass, man! She torched your ass!
Meg: Why can't you just hire
a real babysitter?
Lois: Well, I guess we could
do that.
(cut to Stewie overhearing all this
on the stairs)
Stewie: Damn! I'm terrible at
meeting new people...like the time I was on Blind Date!
(cut to the interior of a car. Stewie's
driving, and there's a woman in the car)
Woman: I'm having a great time,
Stewie.
Stewie: Me too. So, uh, you
ready to go grab some 'za?
Woman: Uh...yea
A thought bubble appears by her
head that reads "Pizza? What a cheapskate!"
A countdown appears under Stewie
that says "Stewie drops the ball in: 3...2...1"
Stewie: So, uh, wild guess here,
but from the looks of your arm hair, I'm guessing you're Italian?
The woman looks disgusted, under
her, Therapist Joe appears with the message "Italians are
from Italy."
[cut to the living room. Brian,
Chris, and Stewie are sitting on the couch, Peter is sitting
in an armchair. They each have medicine bottles]
Peter: Alright, you guys, I
got eight crates of Ipecac all on my tab. Now, whoever goes
the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the
fridge.
Everyone drinks the Ipecac
Peter: Ok, here we go...how's
everybody doin?
Brian: Good, good so far.
Peter: Alright, alright.
Stewie: Nothing yet.
Peter: Cool, cool...You know,
I dunno if you guys have had any of that pie already, but
that is, uh, that is some tasty stuff. That's from the uh,
bake sale that Lois was {suddenly throws up}
Stewie: OOh, one down. I know
somebody who won't be having any {throws up}
Chris: I'm starting to feel
funny.
Brian: Well, I feel fine. I
guess I'm {throws up}
Chris: Oh boy! That means I
win! I get to eat {throws up}
Stewie throws up again
Stewie: Oh God, why didn't anybody
tell me {throws up}
Peter: Oh my God, my insides
are on {throws up}
Stewie: No, no please, no more,
no more {throws up}
Chris: Dad, I'm scared. {throws
up}
Brian: Get the phone, call 91-{throws
up}
Peter: Lois! Lois get in here
{walks backwards, throws up and hits the wall}
Brian: OK, ok. I think it's
all gone. I think [throws up}
Stewie's rocking back and forth
on the couch crying
Stewie: I don't wanna, I don't
wanna {throws up}
Brian: Peter, Peter, I need
you to hold my ears {throws up}
Peter yanks Brian's ears and throws
up on them.
Brian throws up again, all four
of them groan, Peter collapses.
Lois enters the room, holding a
pot.
Lois: Who wants chowder?
Peter, Chris, Brian, and Stewie
throw up at the same time.
[cut to outside the Griffin residence,
Peter is holding a hose and filling a bucket with water, Peter
looks up at the sound of an airplane]
Peter: What the hell? Hey Meg,
you better check this out.
Meg opens the front door and gasps.
A plane with the banner "MEG, I AM YOUR DESTINY. LOVE, NEIL.
ALSO, HAVE YOU SEEN MY GOOD PEN? I FEEL LIKE I LOANED IT TO
YOU IN PHYSICS, BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN IT IN A" flies by. Another
plane flies closely behind the first plane with a banner that
says "WHILE."
Meg: Oh, God. This is so embarrassing.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Peter pushes a shelf of cards towards
Meg.
Peter: Awww, looks like someone
could use a greeting card to cheer 'em up. I put these on
my tab. Here, take a "Far Side" one. The vulture thinks he's
a cowboy! {laughs}
Meg: {Chuckles} It is kinda
funny.
Quagmire walks on screen and Meg
walks back indoors.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, you got
a card for if you transferred VD to somebody?
Peter: Uhh, let's see here...uhh...yep.
"Sorry I accidentally gave you VD"
Quagmire: Aw, all you got is
accidental, huh? All right, I'll take it.
[Cut to Lois in the living room
interviewing potential babysitters]
Lois: Well, first let me thank
you for answering the ad. Now, what do you feel qualifies
you to be an effective babysitter for Stewie?
GUY #1: {Speaking in Portuguese}
We're great with children.
Stewie: Uh, yea, uh, we couldn't
run an ad that said 'No Portuguese', but, um...no Portuguese.
[Cut to outside the house, then
back inside, where Lois is interviewing someone else]
Lois: So, I see here that you've
worked for a family for a number of years. Can I call the
uh..{squints at the clipboard} Herculoids for a reference?
The camera zooms out to reveal that
she's interviewing Gloop from the TV show "The Herculoids".
Gloop makes inaudible noises.
Lois: I-I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Gloop makes more noises.
Lois: The position has been
filled.
Gloop makes angrier noises.
Lois: The position has been
filled, thank you very much, you can go now.
Gloop makes a few angry noises,
and slides off the couch.
Thundro (also from The Herculoids)
walks in and fires rocks at Lois through his horn.
Lois: {Pissed off} LEAVE! NOW!
The characters slide out with a
cartoony sound effect.
Lois: I didn't think it was
going to be this hard to choose a babysitter.
Stewie: Yes, if only you were
this discerning when you picked that happening hairdo.
The camera zooms to the front door,
a girl walks in.
Girl: Sorry I'm late. Can I
still apply for the job?
Stewie is dumbfounded by this girl.
The camera gets blurry edges and the girl slowly brushes her
hair and moves her head.
Stewie: My God, I haven't been
this exhilarated since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.
[Cut to Stewie and Brian in a theatre]
Announcer: Attention, ladies
and gentlemen, there will be a slight change in the cast tonight.
Brian: Oh, no.
Announcer: For this evening's
performance, the role of Jean Valjean will be played by Kirk
Cameron.
Stewie: OH! Oh, unbelieveable!
Oh my God! How lucky are we, huh? 'Hey Stewie, what are you
doing tonight?' 'Oh, nothing, just watching KIRK CAMERON play
Jean Valjean!' Oh my God! Curtain up!
[cut to Mort's Pharmacy]
Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories
come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you EATING
those?
Peter: {sarcastic} No, I'm shoving
them up my butt! Of course I'm eating them! Gimme a carton!
Mort: Peter, it's the end of
the month, and I'm calling your tab! You owe me $34,000!
Peter: WHAT?! Aww, man, how
am I gonna come up with that kinda money?
Mort: Peter, I'm waiting.
Peter looks around, and notices
the "Employee of the Month" photo of Neil.
Peter: All right, all right,
I got another idea. What if I sold you my daughter?
Mort: Huh?
Peter: You drop the tab, and
your son can have Meg.
[cut to the Goldman house]
Meg: WHAT?!
Peter: Yup, all you gotta do
is sign this contract.
Meg: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?
YOU CAN'T SELL ME, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!
Peter: Woaa! Careful getting
this fish off the hook, Mort, she's got some fangs. {laughs}
Mort: What do you think of that,
Neil? Daddy bought you a girlfriend!
Neil: Excuse me, if anybody's
interested, I already have a girlfriend.
Meg: There's no way--wait what?
A girl walks out from the door behind
Neil
Girl: You ready to go, honey?
Neil: You rejected me too many
times, Meg. I couldn't wait for you forever. Besides, Cecilia
thinks my psoriasis is sexy.
Neil and Cecilia walk out holding
each other's arms
Meg: I can't believe he's over
me.
Mort: I can't believe I'm out
34 grand!
Peter: I can't believe it's
not butter! {laughing} Stick around, more Family Guy comin'
up!
[cut to the Griffin living room
again. Lois and Peter are arguing]
Lois: Peter, how could you have
tried to sell our daughter?
Peter: Alright, Lois. I don't
want this to ruin our date night, so I'll make it up to ya.
The camera zooms out to show the
greeting card shelf in the living room. Peter picks up a card
and hands it to Lois.
Lois: Oh, Peter. {reading the
card} "I'm sorry I tried to sell our daughter".
Peter: Yeah, you dunno how hard
it was to find one of those in English.
[Cut to the bathroom. Stewie's standing
up on top of the sink counter getting ready for the night
and talking to Rupert]
Stewie: Ahh, tonight the babysitter
comes, Rupert. Lovely LaDonne. Mmm...
Stewie puts the container of baby
power in his diaper.
Stewie: {imitating conversation}
Oh, hey LaDonne. Hey, what's goin' on? How are you? Yea. Oh,
just me, Stewie. Just, uh, bein' myself. Uh...yea..Oh, uh,
wha, this here? Just my package. Yea, just, just uh, just
uh, my package. God delivered it, I signed for it, the world
keeps on spinning. Yea.
[Cut to later that evening. LaDonne
and Stewie are playing Jenga]
LaDonne removes a piece and the
tower collapses.
LaDonne: Oh no! {laughs}
Stewie: Oh, Jenga, there it
is! {laughs} Oh well, I guess that's why they call it Jenga,
Mm? {laughs again}
LaDonne pinches Stewie's cheek
LaDonne: Stewie! You are so
cute I can't even stand it!
Stewie: Oh, thank you. I'm having
a good time too. I hope I don't make any social faux pas,
like I did at Pamela and Tommy Lee's dinner party.
[Cut to Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson's
dinner party, Stewie walks in]
Stewie: Hi, Sorry I'm late.
I was visiting my aunt in the hospital, she has hep...atitis...Oooo,
sorry.
[Cut to the girls locker room at
the high school]
Cecilia: Neil is such an amazing
guy. We just make an absolutely perfect couple.
Meg: Y'know, Neil liked me first.
And I WAS gonna go out with him when I was ready to settle
for him. Get your own spaz!
Meg walks off and the gym teacher
shows up
Gym teacher: All right, ladies,
enough chit-chat. Take it off, get in the shower, and bounce
around for me.
[Cut to the Griffin residence kitchen]
Lois: Sweetie, your daddy and
I are going to the movies tonight. How would you like LaDonne
to babysit?
Stewie: YES! Oh, I'm going to
wow her tonight, Rupert. I'm gonna be cooler than Brian when
he hangs out at the bowling alley.
[Cut to the bowling alley. Brian
is wearing a white shirt and jeans, with a cig carton under
one sleeve. He also has blonde hair and a mustache.]
Brian: That's what I love about
high school girls, I keep gettin' older, they stay the same
age {chuckles}, yes they do, yes they do.
[Cut to the woodshop class at the
high school. Meg is acting desperate]
Meg: Please go out with me.
I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and
everything.
GUY: Yeah, uh, that sounds cool,
but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night.
The kid takes the nailgun he's holding
and fires nails into his stomach. The kid rolls around the
woodshop floor in pain and drags himself offscreen.
[Cut to the living room. Stewie's
in a robe lighting candles when the doorbell rings]
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man.
Stewie: Oh, you. Must I lock
up your tongue with the rest of the silver? {laughs}
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy.
Jeremy walks through the front door
Jeremy: Hey, little man. So
you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend.
Stewie: Wha-you...GIRLFRIEND?!
Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little
cranky. I'll put him to bed.
LaDonne starts to walk away, Stewie
grabs Jeremy's hat.
Stewie: HA! I got your hat!
Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your
hackey-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat
boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits
and his Abercrombie and Fitch long-sleeve, open stitched,
crew-neck henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can
while watching his favorite downloaded Simpson episodes every
night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow - oh, you've got the song
memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly
the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning
- the guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.
LaDonne: Goodnight, Stewie.
Stewie: If he wants to throw
hands, I'll throw hands! I tell you...{LaDonne puts a pacifier
in Stewie's mouth}
Stewie drifts off to sleep
[cut to Mort's Pharmacy, Neil and
Cecilia are in mid-kiss]
Meg walks in the door
Meg: Oh, hey. Neil and Cecilia.
I didn't expect to see you here! Meet Jake, my boyfriend!
Jake: I want some BB's! My dad
lets me shoot at cats!
Cecilia: Oh! Hi Meg! Neil and
I are celebrating our two-week anniversary! Oh, it seems like
only yesterday he was only a stranger videotaping me through
the window.
Meg: Big deal. He did that to
me 3 years ago. AND he gave me the tapes for Christmas.
Cecilia: He gave me DVDs. The
production values were amazing, much better than Kramer vs.
Predator.
[cut to Ted Kramer and a Predator
sitting at a table]
Kramer: You want him back? You
can't just dissapear for three months and suddenly decide
you want him back! You can't have him! {swipes a glass of
wine into the wall}
There's a bit of a pause, and then
the Predator shoots Kramer.
Meg: Well, I'm glad Neil's over
me anyway. I'm with Jake now. Right, Jake?
Jake: Maybe someday we'll get
married and you can go up on me.
Meg grabs Neil by his shirt
Meg: Neil! I want to be your
girlfriend!
Neil: What?
Meg: I was wrong to drive you
away. We belong together.
Neil: Of course I'm understandibly
skeptical of your newfound affection for me.
Meg: You still got that contract
our dads drew up?
Neil pulls out the contract from
behind the pharmacy counter.
Meg: Gimme that!
Meg signs the contract and kisses
Neil.
Cecilia: {talking to Jake} You
wanna hook up?
Jake: BUY ME SOMETHING!
[cut to outside by the football
bleachers at the high school]
Meg: I can't believe we're going
out. This is so cool!
Meg kisses Neil again. Neil lifts
up her shirt and starts to undo Meg's bra. Meg pulls away.
Meg: Neil, Neil, n-not so fast.
Neil: {laughs} Uh, Meg, you
need to fufill your contractual obligations.
Meg: What are you talking about?
Neil laughs menacingly
[Cut to inside Neil's room. Neil's
laying on the floor in his underwear]
Neil: All right, Meg, according
to the contract, every night, you have to put on my pajamas.
My mom's record is 12 seconds.
Meg: Neil, I think you're old
enough to-
Neil: {cutting Meg off} GO!
Neil won't stop laughing and kicking
while Meg tries to tell him to hold still and put on his pajamas.
[cut to the stairs in the Griffin
house]
Stewie: Oh, LaDonne, I thought
we could watch a DVD together. I picked up the first season
of Jiminy Glick, oh, imagine being that guy for a day.
[cut to the set of Primetime Glick.
Stewie is all dressed up like Jiminy Glick.]
Stewie: {Stewie keeps changing
positions on the chair} Colin Farrell! So, I was talking to
my wife, Dixie, the other day, and she was saying that you
weren't a very good actor. And I agreed with her. Now, now
why, now why Colin? Why would we both say that?
[cut back to Stewie going down the
stairs]
Stewie veiws LaDonne and Jeremy
kissing.
Stewie: All right, that's it!
Jeremy must be destroyed!
[cut to Jeremy's house]
Jeremy walks into his house, and
tries to turn on the lights, but the lights won't come on.
Jeremy: Mom?
A shadow of Stewie runs by
Jeremy: Dad? Mom? Is anyone
there.
Jeremy passes a mirror with Stewie
sitting in a chair smoking in the reflection. He turns around,
but no one's in the chair.
Jeremy: Uh...little man? Y-you
in here?
Jeremy turns back around and a note
is on the mirror. "FOR JEREMY" is written on the front of
the note.
Jeremy takes the note. It's a poorly-drawn
picture of Stewie and LaDonne holding hands, while Jeremy's
ghost is floating in the sky.
Stewie runs out from the front door
and attacks Jeremy with a lead pipe.
Stewie: I say, I think this
is how you change a tire, but what would I know? I'm just
a baby!
Stewie smacks Jeremy upside the
head with the pole.
[Cut to outside, where Stewie is
stuffing a bound and gagged Jeremy into Brian's car.]
Stewie: Here's your iPod, so
you can listen to The Streaks while you gasp for air!
Jeremy mumbles something
Stewie: Oh, The Strokes, right.
[Cut to outside in the Goldman's
backyard.]
Meg is pulling a big plow.
Mort: Boy, this was a better
aquisition than I thought. We may even be able to put in some
sorghum this year.
[Cut to the living room, where Stewie
and LaDonne are sitting on the couch]
Stewie: So, uh, anyway, um,
hey! I made you a mix tape! I don't have a dual cassette player,
so I had to hold the tape recorder up to the radio, so the
quality's kinda sucky, but, y'know, all the songs describe
my feelings.
LaDonne starts crying
LaDonne: I'm sorry, Stewie.
I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me.
Stewie: HE WHAT? That blaggard!
Oh, come here, let me just, let me just hold you for a while.
Stewie cops a feel and gets slapped
by LaDonne.
LaDonne: Stewie, NO! That is
a bad place to touch! No! No no no no no no no.
Stewie: B-But...but I...I...you...I...Waaaaaaaah!
[Stewie starts crying]
LaDonne: No more TV!
Stewie: Well, how about no more
job? Hmm? You hear that miss fussybritches? I shall see you
fired, damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way
and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!
[Cut to inside a bomb shelter underground
Hitler and Eva are sitting on the floor]
Hitler: We do everything together,
ja?
Eva: Ja.
Hitler: You got your poison?
Eva: Mmm.
Hitler: Ok, one...two...three.
Both of them open their mouths and
start to put the pill up to their mouths, but stop.
Hitler: You didn't do it!
Eva: You didn't do it either!
Hitler: Ok, ok, all right, this
time we really have to do it. Ok, ready? Ok.
BOTH: One, two...
They both nearly swallow the pill.
But when they see the other won't do it either, they point
and laugh.
EVA: You want me to kill myself
and you're not going to! You suck! You suck!
HITLER: You suck!
[Cut to the kitchen. Everyone's
sitting at the table, Lois is doing dishes]
Brian: Hey Stewie, there's something
thunkin' around in the trunk of my car and I can't get in
there because somebody busted the lock. You have, uh, any
idea what that's about?
Stewie: Oh? Oh, that, pfft.
It's this whole, it's this whole crazy thing.
Meg comes in the back door. She's
got horseshoes on her feet, the bottom of her feet are all
dirty and her clothes are ripped. She takes off the horseshoes
and throws one of them.
Lois: Hey, this is not a barn,
young lady.
Meg: Ugg, I'm just so exhausted!
You know, I thought I'd be happy being with Neil, but I'm
not! This is horrible! {starts crying}
Lois: Oh, sweetheart, we'll
figure out some way to get you out of this. Brian, did you
find any loopholes in the contract?
Brian: Nope, it's airtight.
The only way out is if Neil commits an infidelity.
Peter: Well, that's it then,
we gotta find somebody to seduce Neil.
Lois: Who, me?
Peter: Well, if not you Lois,
than who? Beverly D'Angelo? Cause I don't think she'd do it.
And I don't even know how to get a hold of her.
[cut to the living room, LaDonne
is sitting on the couch looking depressed]
Stewie: Oh, hello, LaDonne.
Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse last night's indescretion,
it was just--oh my God, LaDonne! What's that on your neck?
Stewie blows a dart into LaDonne's
neck. LaDonne is knocked out and falls off the couch. Stewie
pokes the unconcious LaDonne's boob, laughs, and runs off.
Later that night, Lois comes home.
Stewie: LOIS! Oh thank God you're
here, Lois! It was all her friends, they, they were doing
marijuana and heroin! (pronounces it "haro-een" and marijuana,
"mara-ju-ana") And they were taking Exema and touching each
other!
Lois: LaDonne, wake up this
instant! {kicks LaDonne}
LaDonne: Wha? I dunno...
Lois: You know what? Don't bother
LaDonne! You are fired!
[cut to outside of the house, and
then back inside. LaDonne has her purse and is ready to head
out the door]
LaDonne: Well, I really don't
know how this happened, but I guess this is the last time
I get to see you. I'm...I'm gonna miss you, little guy. Oh
{reaches into purse, pulls out a tape} this is for you.
Stewie: She...she made me a
mix tape?! Oh dear God, what have I done?! I've made a terrible
mistake!
Stewie jumps out of Lois' arms and
runs outside screaming for LeDonne.
[Cut to a motel. Peter and Meg are
outside one of the motel rooms]
Peter: All right, you all set
honey?
Lois: {from inside the room}
Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. It's so disgusting, but
it's for my little girl.
Meg: Dad, how do you know Neil
will show up?
Peter: Don't worry, Meg. I sent
him an invitation he couldn't refuse.
Peter tapes a big sign that says
"X-MEN CONVENTION" on the door and they run off into the neighboring
hotel room.
Neil rides in on a Segway in a poorly
made Wolverine costume.
Neil: Hmm....strange...these
conventions usually have Segway parking.
Neil opens the door
Neil: Hello? Am I too late for
the Q and A?
Lois dressed as Mystique closes
the door.
Lois: Yeah, but you're just
in time for the T and A. {growls}
Neil: Mrs. Griffin! What are
you--
Lois: Shh, you can call me Mystique.
Lois jumps on top of Neil.
Neil: Mrs. Griffin! This is
wrong!
Peter and Meg open the door.
Peter: Well, well, well. Look
at this, Meg. Your boyfriend is violating both your contract
and my wife.
Neil: Meg! I wasn't doing anything!
Mrs. Griffin was just-- OWW, you're bending it.
Meg: I don't care. You've nullified
the contract. I'm free! {laughs}
Neil: Free? I don't understand,
Meg. You don't want to be my girlfriend?
Meg: Well, I thought I did,
but I guess I was just jealous.
Neil: I see. Well, Meg, I want
you to be with me because you WANT to be with me, not because
you have to.
Neil rips up the contract.
Meg: Thank you, Neil.
Neil pulls out a phone and starts
dialing.
Neil: Cecilia? It's The Gold-man.
How 'bout we fire up the ol' Segway and find a nice, quiet
field to do long division in? I-I mean 'a nice, quiet field
in which to do long division', sorry. {holds hand up to the
phone} Sorry, everybody. {back to talking on the phone} Ok,
I'm on my way.
Meg: He's going back to Cecilia?
I can't believe I'm actually jealous.
Lois: I can't believe I actually
touched him.
Peter: I still can't believe
it's not butter! {laughs} Next week, I run for mayor of Quahog.
Do I have what it takes? We'll find out, don't miss it.
[While the credits are rolling,
we cut to the living room to once again see Meg and Stewie
bored on the couch]
Meg: Well, here we are again.
Another Saturday night with basic cable.
Stewie: Yep. {sigh} I suppose
none of us are really cut out for love, and we--OH MY GOD!
JEREMY'S STILL IN THE TRUNK! Oh God, how long's it been? Uh...let's
see...two weeks, yep. Yep, he's dead. Definitely dead.
