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Full transcript for episode FG412
"Breaking
Out is Hard to Do"
(Lois and the kids are in a grocery
store)
Lois: Okay, now don't wander
too far, kids, you know more children get kidnapped in the
grocery store than anywhere else.
(Cut to a mother comparing products;
a kidnapper is sneaking up on her kid, trying to get him)
Mother: Hey!
Kidnapper: Aaah! You got me!
Mother: Oh-ho, not quick enough.
Kidnapper: Not quick enough,
no.
Kidnapper: I was close though.
Mother: You were close.
(In the aisle)
Lois: I'm gonna go get some
oranges, Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for Mommy.
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting,
Lois, leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know, I
might just asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson.
(Stewie procedes to try and put the
plastic bags over him several times but fails)
Stewie: Here I go! Just like
that boy from INXS! I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it!
(He cannot fit the bag over his head) BLAST! Good Lord, Lois,
either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Lois: Chris, would you run and
get some milk? And make sure to take it from the back.
(A hand in black and white reaches
out to Chris and pulls him through the freezer. Chris is now
in the video for "Take On Me", by a-ha. Per the video, Chris
is soon chased by motorcycle guys. Chris struggles to get
out but finally escapes and comes out in the egg section)
Lois: Chris, where have you
been?
Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
(Cash register)
Employee: $53.99.
Lois: Oh no, I forgot to go
to the bank. Well, I'm a little short, I guess I'll have to
put the ham back.
(Lois proceedes to put the ham back,
then takes a look around to see if anyone is looking, and
sneaks the ham in her purse)
Kidnapper: You know, I got some
candy in my car if your kid wants some.
Mother: Oh, great! Hey, wait
a second!
Kidnapper: Aaah, you got me,
you got me. I'll get him though, I'll get him.
Mother: Oh, I bet you will,
I bet you will.
(Griffin house)
Brian: Hey, is that a ham? I thought
you put that back.
Lois: Oh, um... no, I put the
other ham back...
Brian: I don't remember another
ham.
Lois: Well, you were too busy
eye-ballin' that Redbook with Glenn Close on the cover
Brian: Hey! She is a handsome
woman.
Stewie: Well, well, look who's
carrying a little crush for Glenn Close. What a suprise. Although
its not the first time you've surprised me.
(Cut to Chris's room, Brian is dressed
up like Lois)
Brian: "Oh, I have so much stuff
to do today, I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson,
then I have to make dinner, I am so busy, better hurry!"
Stewie: LOIS! I want my graham
crack-- oh...
Brian: Hey...
Stewie: Hey... um... playin'
a little "dress-up"?
Brian: Yeaaah...
Stewie: Yeah, good, it's...
fun to pretend. So, um, listen, if you see Lois, tell her--
Brian: Graham cracker.
Stewie: Graham cracker, yes,
yes, that's it. All right, so, uh, I'm just gonna go out in
the hallway and throw up about something else.
(Stewie slowly backs away)
Lois: Oh, this is cute.
(Lois sees the price is $96.00)
Lois: Oh, my God!
(She quickly puts it back, then quickly
checks to see if anyone is watching, she then hides the shirt
in her purse)
(Lois giggles madly as she proceedes
to take nearly everything in the store)
(Car)
(Lois breathes heavily, as she takes
a huge puff of a cigarette)
Lois: Ho-oh, my God, that was
such a rush!
(She burns her arm with the lit cigarette)
Lois: Yeah! I'm alive!
(Griffin house)
Bonnie: Thanks for having us
over.
Joe: Yeah, it's a wonderful
dinner, and on this beautiful new china! You guys have a lot
of new stuff.
Peter: Yeah, Lois has been splurgin'
her ass off.
Brian: Yeah... she has...
Peter: You know, she bought
me something yesterday, but I'm not gonna tell you what it
is, I want you to guess. Just close your eyes.
Joe: ARGH!
Peter: Its a soccer horn!
Joe: I KNOW WHAT IT IS!
Bonnie: Hey, is that an original
Matisse?
Brian: Hey, uh, Bonnie, why
don't you stop with the questions, you're ruining everyone's
good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally
ill kids.
Peter: Hi there, how y'all doin'?
All right, so I'm at the DMV the other day, LONG lines, long
lines at the DMV, but uh, you'll find all about that when
you get olde-- oh... umm, movin' on! So I finally tried Viagra
and..
Sick kid: Oooohhhh...
Peter: Oh! We got a joker in
the audience. You, uh, got something to say there, Mr. Heckler?
Sick kid: Dying hurts.
Peter: Tell me about it. So
anyway, who hates flying?
("Car Zone")
(Brian sees Lois stealing a muffler)
Brian: Ahem.
Lois: Oh! Brian! What are you
doing here?
Brian: I should ask you the
same question. Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing
mufflers. This is worse then that Winona Ryder thing.
Lois: Whaa, are you saying I'm
a klepto?
Brian: Uh, actually I was talking
about The Age of Innocence.
(The Age of Innocence)
Newland: It is settled, May.
Our parents have consented and you and I shall be married
on the first warm sunny day of Spring.
May: (stiffly and in an obnoxious
voice) That would be most good, Newland, most good.
Newland: (sighs) I'm sorry,
but she is just awful, is there any way we could have like
a topless scene or something?
Camera Guy: Uh... yeah.
Newland: Really?
Camera Guy: Yeah.
Newland: Oh, great, all right,
we got a movie.
Lois: Oh, God, you're right,
Brian, I'm outta control, but, I dunno what to do, I'm just
hooked on the rush of shoplifting. I haven't felt a thrill
like this in a long time.
Brian: Well, I think you've
had enough "thrills". Why don't you just put everything back,
huh?
Lois: Uh, okay, Brian. You know,
you really are a good friend. Here, let me rub your belly.
Brian: Ooooooohhhhh.
(Lois sees Brian is distracted and
attempts to steal another muffler)
Brian: Oooooohhhh, put it back,
ooooohhhh.
(On TV)
Tom Tucker: Welcome back to
Channel Five News at 10. For those of you wondering what I
was writing down as we go to a commercial...its a cat...just
a cat.
Diane: In other news, police
are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse
painting from the Quahog Museum of Art.
Joe: A Matisse painting...
Tom Tucker: Also, scientists
announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face,
you have cancer.
(Diane holds up her hand to her face,
Tom Tucker slams her face into her head)
Tom Tucker: Ha ha! Got you!
Ohh, that's not even really news.
(Backyard)
Stewie: *Making plane noises
in a wagon* Uh-oh, Rupert, we're out of gas, we'd better ask
directions at that creepy and possibly haunted house! Aahhh!
A ghost. Oh, oh, its okay, we got away just in time, we got
away just in time.
Brian: All right now, is that
everything you stole?
Lois: Yeah, that's everything.
Brian: You know, you really
should talk to a therapist about this, I mean it really helped
Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world
of his.
(Cut scene to Peter reading a book
by candle in the attic, then riding G'mork from The Neverending
Story")
Peter: Yeeeeahhh!
G'mork: You're a little too
heavy, buddy.
Peter: Yeeeeahhh!
G'mork: We're goin' down.
Peter: Yeeeeahhh!
(G'mork slams into the ground)
Peter: Yeaahh...
(back to the car)
Brian: You know, Lois, we're
just lucky we got this under control before the police caught
on to you.
Joe: Hold it right there, Lois,
you're under arrest.
Brian: Oh, crap. Ok, take it
easy Joe, Lois will go peacefully.
Lois: Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed.
Let me just grab my purse.
(Lois acts as if she's getting her
purse, but then jumps into the car and drives away)
Lois: Ha ha, sucker!
(Joe grabs a gardening hose and lassos
it onto the car's bumper. The car pulls his wheelchair along
with it. The wheelchair soons falls to pieces, leaving Joe
dragging behind the car. He climbs up the hose and crawls
under the car to the front window, then pushes Lois out of
the car. Lois falls to the ground and Joe starts punching
her.)
Joe: Sorry, Lois, regulations.
I can't give you any special treatment.
Lois: Its okay, Joe, I understand.
Joe: SHUT UP MAGGOT! (continues
punching)
(Courtroom)
Lois: Your honor, I am so sorry
for stealin' all that stuff, I just couldn't control myself.
Judge: Well, Mrs. Griffin, considering
this is your first offense, I've decided to go lenient and--
where the hell is my gavel?!
Lois: Uh, huh huh... uh...
Judge: Give me that! I sentence
you to 2 years in a state prison.
Peter: Oh, that is bogus!
Judge: Order in the court! Anouther
outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence!
(Peter sneezes)
Judge: Ok, three years!
Peter: That was a sneeze!
Judge: Four years!
Peter: I'm sorry!
Judge: Five years!
Peter: You douchebag.
Judge: All right, three years
it is.
Lois: Three years in prison...
oh, my God, what have I done?
Chris: Oh, man, I haven't been
this upset since I watched The Blob on television.
(Cut scene to Chris watching The
Blob)
Chris: Look out behind you,
lady, it's the Blob! I'll save you!
(Chris dives into the TV and falls
to the floor)
(In prison)
Guard: Here you go, meet your
new friends.
(The cell has three tough-looking women
playing cards at a table)
Lois: Umh. Hi, I'm Lois.
Fisty: I'm Fisty, (points to
woman) that's Stabby, (points to third woman) and that's Balls.
Pull up a chair, we're playin' cards.
Lois: Oh, okay. So, are those
Biblical names?
Fisty: Yeah, Fisty is.
(Griffin house, completely trashed,
everything is a mess)
Peter: Boy, I sure miss Lois.
I wish she was here to clean up all this stuff. (he looks
at his shoulder) Hey, what's this?
Brian: Mustard.
Peter: Oh, that's right. We
had hot dogs last week. Are you going to eat that?
Brian: The mustard on your shoulder?
No.
Peter: Oh, oh, kids, look. A
deer.
(A deer is in the room)
Chris: Can we pet him?
Peter: No, no. Just watch.
(Peter knocks over a can with his foot
and the deer is alerted and runs away)
All: Awww..
(Stewie crawls toward the couch with
his very full diaper dragging behind him)
Stewie: Peter... Peter... there's,
there's so much doodie in here... I can't take it anymore.
I haven't eaten in four days, 'cause I, 'cause I just can't
fit anymore in there. Help me!
(In prison)
Peter: Okay, when we get to
your mother's cage, say hello, but don't drag your ass because
I wanna go to the reptile house. Oh, oh, and we gotta see
those pandas.
Brian: Peter, this isn't a zoo.
It's a prison.
Peter: Quagmire, what are you
doin' here?
Quagmire: Oh, its conjugal visit
day! You know I love doin' a woman in the can! Oh! Giggedy
giggedy giggedy goo!
(Close-up on a man)
Guy: Who else but Quagmire?
Voice: He's Quagmire, Quagmire,
you never really know what he's gonna do next, he's Quagmire,
Quagmire!
(Quagmire bursts through a background,
a la Porky Pig)
Quagmire: Giggedy giggedy giggedy
giggedy, let's have sex!
(Cut scene to a fancy dinner party)
Host: I do hope nothing happens
to spoil this fancy dinner party.
(Quagmire strips down to his underwear,
gets up on the table, and dances)
Quagmire: Giggedy giggedy giggedy
giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy goo!
Guy: Who else but Quagmire?
Voice: He's Quagmire, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Gig-ge-dy, gig-ge-dy,
goo!
(Prison)
Lois: Oh, it is so good to see
all of you. How is everything at home?
Peter: Oh, it's horrible, Lois.
I've had to do all the things that you usually do, like the
other day I had to go to your book club meeting.
(Book club meeting)
Member #1: Well, I really admire
the mother character's admission of personal torment after
her daughter's death.
Member #2: I disagree, I felt
a total lack of ethical integrity in her readiness to abandon
her children and start a life of her own.
Peter: Uh, here's another thing.
The book can also be... (places book on head) a hat.
(Cut back to prison cafeteria)
Peter: And the other night I
had to do uh... that thing you usually do for me every Thursday
night.
(Cut to Lois' bedroom)
(Peter grunts as he rams his head into
the wall and falls down the stairs)
Brian: Ugh, I can't believe
you're serving a three year sentence. It seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside
is that its given me time to think about why I ended up in
here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the
same old routine, I felt like I had a void in my life, like,
like, there was a secret hole in me--
Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois: --and I was tryin to fill
that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things--
Quagmire: Oh, GOD!
Lois: --and I felt wonderful
with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: OH, GOD!
Lois: I did this to myself,
so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system
teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Brian: Well, I guess with good
behavior, you could be out in two years.
Lois: I made my own bed with
this one, guys. I'm just gonna have to pay my debt to society.
Peter: Not necessarily, I think
I got an idea of how to smuggle you out.
(Prison exit, Lois is half-stuffed
in Peter's mouth)
Guard: Buh-bye, take care now,
have a nice day.
(Peter mumbles something)
(Alarms go off, the Griffins rush next
to a laundry van)
Chris: What do you we do?
Lois: Hurry, we'll hide in that
van
(Inside the van, Brian is struggling
to stand up)
Lois: Oh, my God, you know what
this means. You're all accessories to my escape.
Brian: She's right, we're fugitives
from the law.
Peter: What the hell is wrong
with you?
Brian: I'm a dog, all right?
I have a very tough time standing up in the car.
Peter: Well then, we're fugitives,
but at least the family's back together
Meg: I wonder where we're going--
(Peter slaps Meg)
Peter: Calm down!! Now I'll
tell you what we're gonna do: wherever this van stops, we'll
begin our new life together. We'll blend into that fabric
of that community.
(The van stops and the Griffins step
out)
Lois: Peter, we're in Asian
Town.
Chris: Well, at least I dont
have to worry about the Evil Monkey here.
(An Asian version of the evil monkey
in Chris' closet points to Chris)
Chris: Aaaah!
Lois: Well, if we're going to
hide out here in Asian Town, we have to find a place to live.
Peter: Yes, and we should do
nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders... (points
at a man) Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan! (points at another
man) Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan! (points at Jackie Chan)
Oh, my God, it's Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan: Hi there, always
nice to meet a fan of my movies. (points at Peter) Oh, my
God, you're Ethan Hawke!
Peter: Uh, no, I'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry, my mistake.
(points at Chris) Oh, my God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Meg: Mom, can we go get some
food?
Jackie Chan: (pointing to Meg)
Oh, my God, it's Malcolm in Middle!
Meg: I'm not a boy!
Jackie Chan: (annoyed) Yes,
you are.
(Chinese hotel)
Meg: I cant believe we have
to live here.
Chris: Oh, this sucks.
Stewie: Oh, tell me about it,
I haven't seen one female baby since we got here. This place
is a sausage fest.
Peter: Come on, kids, we've
been through worse. Meg, you remember when we found out your
gynecologist never finished med school?
(Cut to clinic)
Gynecologist: All righty, Meg,
let]s take a look at that bergina.
Lois: But, Peter, how are we
gonna support ourselves here?
Peter: Well, we'll all have
to get jobs, but I'm sure we'll each find something we can
do.
<Incomplete>
