From Family Guy Wiki, your fan-created Family Guy resource.

Theme Song

[Instrumental Christmas music]

Chris: Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

Cleveland: Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce, I'd like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree.

Senior: Oop, broke my hip!

Lois: Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever.

Stewie: So, you want to dress me up and trot me about like a circus poodle, hmm? Here, let me consult my agent, Mr. Irving R. Pointy Stick!

Lois: Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner.

Meg: Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?

Lois: In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night.

Peter: Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus! ♪ Seven maids a-milking, six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk... ♪

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Brian: Uh, well, it's a little warm in here, you know?

Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel"

Brian: Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Lois: Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

Peter: Lois, I told you I'm on dipsaluscious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?

Lois: Come on, honey. It's the only thing I've asked you to do. Please?

Peter: Brian, tape this for me.

Brian: Sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

FBI Agent: Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?

Peter: Just ABC.

[Guns cocking, then gunfire]

Lois: Well, if you get us a tree, I'll make sure Santa brings you a new VCR. Please?

Peter: Oh, crap. How come I...commercial! [Chopping tree]

Meg: Hey, Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. Maybe you should write that down?

Lois: Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy.

Chris: I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.

Peter: Here's the tree. Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up.

Lois: Uh-uh-uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

Peter: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?

Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.

Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

[at the Swansons]

Peter: So, uh, you guys know that Rudolph is on, right?

Lois: Peter!

Bonnie: Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois.

Joe: Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

Bonnie: Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Joe had his accident at Christmas time.

Lois: [Nervous laughter]

Carolers: "Check the balls on Uncle Charlie"

Peter: Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

Quagmire: Hey, Peter.

Cleveland: Hi. I'm Prancer.

Lois: Hey, why don't you take Joe along?

Peter: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

Lois: What?

Peter: What?

Lois: Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit. For me? Please?

Peter: All right. But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

Lois: Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers.

Peter: All right, all right. Hey, somebody give me a beer.

Quagmire: Heads up.

Joe: Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had four eggnogs. So I guess you're it.

Peter: That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit.

Joe: I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassail!

Lois: Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus.

Stewie: Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under until the bubbles stopped!

Lois: Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you.

Stewie: What the devil do you mean, "watching"?

Lois: Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice.

Meg: He sees you when you're sleeping.

Chris: And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Stewie: Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless...hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice!

Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland: ♪ Rock the boat ♪

Cleveland: ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland: ♪ Rock the boat ♪

Cleveland: ♪ Don't tip the boat over ♪

Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland: ♪ Rock the boat ♪

Cleveland: ♪ Don't rock the boat, baby ♪

Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland: ♪ Rock the boat! ♪

Joe: Rock on!

Quagmire: Hey, guys. Check me out! Whoa!

[Dog whimpering]

Joe: [Grunting] [Screaming] Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

Peter: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious-the sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers.

Cleveland: Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt.

Quagmire: Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?

Peter: No, thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all! It tasted like...oh, you guys are asses!

Santa: I knew you were awake.

Stewie: You!

[Tense instrumental music]

Santa: Now, Stewie, you are in my power.

Stewie: No, damn you! Damn you, let me go!

Santa: Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie.

[Sinister instrumental music]

Stewie: Aah! It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. [nervously humming] All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

Lois: Stewie, go to sleep!

Stewie: This doesn't involve you, Lois!

Lois: I don't want to have to come in there.

Stewie: I don't want to have to come in there!

Meg: Sh. Dad's awake.

Peter: Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover.

Brian: It's a Christmas miracle!

Peter: Shouldn't you have your sweater on?

Brian: [Groaning]

Lois: [kiss] That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

Peter: If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat.

Lois: Just one more thing.

Peter: Lois!

Lois: I need you to take the presents out of the trunk.

Brian: Aren't you gonna do it?

Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.

Brian: All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.

Peter: No. The rest were "from" the family. Weren't they? Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.

Peter: Why wasn't I told?

Brian: They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so you didn't...you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

Peter: Yep. Now here's the plan. You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor. So you'll have to compress your body to the size of a household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.

Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Hick mother: What 'choo want?

Hicks: [Hollering]

Peter: So you understand all these gifts were supposed to be for my family. It was just some crazy mix-up.

Hick Mother: Kill 'em.

Hick Father: [Pumps shotgun]

Peter: No, no, no. It's true. You see, that remote control cow was for my son. And those barrettes were for my daughter. And, uh.... Hey, where's my VCR?

Hick Child 1: Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box!

Buck: It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony."

Lois: You gave away all the presents?

Peter: Lois, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Lois: Peter, you brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own.

Peter: You mean you're not mad?

Lois: Well, I am little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again. But at least some good came out of it.

Peter: So I can drink beer and watch TV? 'cause, you know, KISS Saves Santa's on.

Ace Frehley: But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa?

Mrs. Claus: Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.

Gene Simmons: Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!

Paul Stanley: Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. To the KISS Copter!

KISS: [Cheering]

[Adventurous instrumental music]

Lois: You can watch all the TV you want-[kiss]-just as soon as we get back from the mall.

Peter: The mall? On Christmas Eve?

Lois: Peter, I just want this family to have a perfect Christmas. And I need a little help, okay? Brian, my turkey's in the oven. Can you turn it off at 3:00?

Brian: No problem.

Lois: We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus.

Stewie: Oh, yes, yes. By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Cal-i-for-ni-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

[Brakes squeaking]

Lois: There's a spot!

[Tires screeching]

Peter: Ah, screw this.

Lois: Okay, Peter. We'll each take half the list to save time. Kids, why don't you take Stewie to see Santa?

Stewie: Santa?

[Menacing instrumental music]

Stewie: No, it's not possible! Sitting alone in this public setting? No bullet-proof glass? Claus, you make it too easy. Change me! I've leaked through my ski pants and I won't face him wet!

Announcer: We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.

Bob Hope: It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner, but Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? How 'bout that?

Peter: Sweet! It's KISS Saves Santa.

Ace Frehley: Hang on, Santa. We're coming.

Santa: Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching!

Peter Kriss: What do we do?

Paul Stanley: Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!

[Heavy metal guitar]

Gene Simmons: It's working!

KISS: Hey, Santa, be careful! Oh, no! Hang on, Santa!

Peter: Hey, I was watching that! Hey!

Clerk: It'll be on next Christmas.

Peter: Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

[Oven timer dings] [Dramatic instrumental music]

Brian: Ah! If I was an oven mitt...

[Smoke detector ringing]

Brian: Damn it, Peter!

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year?

Stewie: Oh, a peace offering is it? Very well, what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?

Santa: Well, can you be a good boy?

Stewie: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a good boy? Are our primal urges innate, or the result of the choices we make?

Santa: Okay. Wrap it up, kid.

Stewie: All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be "nice."

Santa: Good boy! Now smile for the camera.

Stewie: Yes, yes. Smile, like a good boy.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Brian: Aaaaaah!

Peter: Aha, Meg's barrettes.

Old Woman: You mean, Julie's barrettes!

Peter: You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? Ow, ow! Tittie twister! Ow, hurts!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Peter: Aha! All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now. That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? Hahaha! Oh, God! Ow, ow, ow!

Brian: Turkey!

[Valve squeaking]

Brian: [Screaming]

Peter: Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose. And on the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic.

Lois: We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree. We're following it home just like the Three Wise Men.

Wise Man 3: So, what did you get him?

Wise Man 1: Gold.

Wise Man 2: Gold? I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here?

Wise Man 3: Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh.

Wise Man 2: Hello! Frankincense! You always do this!

Wise Man 3: Okay, okay. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it.

Wise Man 1: No!

Wise Man 3: Yes!

Wise Man 1: No! You can't…

Lois: [Gasping] Oh, my God! Brian, are you okay?

Chris: I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.

Peter: [Hollering] My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do?

Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?

Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk.

Lois: Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy. Okay, so a couple of things have gone wrong. But we can still have a great Christmas.

Peter: [Sighing] Aw jeez, kids. You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right.

Lois: Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer.

All: [Muttering in agreement]

Meg: We're out of paper towels.

Lois: No paper towels? [Screaming]

Peter: Hey, I was gonna pick at that.

Lois: Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So, you can cook your own damn turkey and wrap your own damn presents! And while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell! [Screaming] [Panting maniacally]

Meg: Oh. Here's the paper towels.

George Bailey: I-I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! [Screaming]

[Jolly instrumental music]

Frosty the Snowman: Hey, I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat.

Lois: [snarling]

Frosty the Snowman: Merry Christmas!

Kid 1: Easy, lady.

Lois: You want some of this! [Mindless cackling]

Frosty the Snowman: Ah! What the hell is her problem?

Kid 2: Frosty, let it go!

Frosty the Snowman: Just a second, just a second. Hey, lady, you got something to say to me?

Kid 2: Yeah, all he did was wish you a Merry Christmas.

Lois: Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you like Santy Claus or Mommy!

Frosty the Snowman: [Screaming] What the.... Ah! Take it off! Take it off!

[Eerie instrumental music]

Lois: Must kill star.

Chris: Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back?

Peter: I think the bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back?

Stewie: Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

Meg: Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant.

Stewie: Oh, Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her.

Chris: Where do you think she is?

Peter: Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion.

[Beeping]

Peter: I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This isn't goint to do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant.

Lois: You lied to me.

Meg: Oh, my God! There's Mom!

Peter: Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here?

Lois: Bite me!

Joe: Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois down.

Sniper: Locked and loaded, sir.

Meg: Wait. You can't shoot my mom!

Joe: Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go!

Peter: All right, hang on. Look, Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance, eh?

Brian: Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made.

Joe: Are you wearing a girl's sweater?

Brian: Does that really matter right now?

Joe: You got 10 minutes.

Peter: Lights, please.

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.

Bob: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something!

Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.

Bob: [Sighing] Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Bonnie: I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived.

Stewie: Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus. A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women. Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread goodwill towards all men. The irony of course is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium.

Peter: She's not getting it. Okay, boys, take her down.

[Griffin house]

Peter: Merry Christmas, buddy.

Brian: Wonder what this could be...oh.

Chris: This Christmas rocks!

Meg: Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom?

Peter: It's okay, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Uh, honey, you got a little something...you got a little...I'll get it.

Stewie: Hungry Hungry Hippos? Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice.

Brian: You got another one, dude.

Stewie: [gasping] Plutonium! He is real! He's really, really real!

Brian: So, Peter, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?

Peter: You bet. A week's vacation, a new VCR. And best of all, my own copy of KISS Saves Santa.

Ace Frehley: You just practice that guitar, Santa. Next time we'll let you do a solo.

Mrs. Claus: Don't encourage him!

Brian: From all of us at Family Guy...

Meg: ...we wish you Christmas joy.

Chris: May all your wishes now come true...

Stewie: ...for every girl and boy.

Peter: We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and...

Lois: [Incomprehensible mumbling]

[closing theme music]