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Full transcript for episode FG203
"Da
Boom"
Theme
Song
Diane Simmons: And that concludes
our special half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.
Tom Tucker: We leave you this
New Year's Eve with a look back at some of those we've lost
this millennium.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Meg: Kevin asked me to Quagmire's
millennium party! I am so psyched!
Peter: There's nothing like
a party at someone else's house. You never have to worry about
cleaning.
[Peter at party]
Peter: [Chanting conga music]
Chicken mascot: well, looks
like someone's going to a big party tonight. You should pick
up a chicken-strip party pack for all your friends. Here's
a coupon.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, look, pal.
I don't take coupons from giant chickens. Not after last time.
[Peter at checkout line]
Peter: Oh, yeah. And that nice
chicken outside gave me this coupon.
Clerk: I'm sorry. This has expired.
Peter: You son of a...
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Man 1: I'm gonna need these
by Friday.
Man 2: Ooh. Is that gonna give
us enough time to crosscheck the...
[Intense instrumental music]
Peter: [panting] Chicken gave
me a bad coupon.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[back outside the market]
Peter: Some other time, pal.
Chicken Mascot: There won't
be any other time. The world is gonna end at midnight tonight!
Y2K!
Peter: Y2K? What are you selling?
Chicken or sex jelly?
Chicken Mascot: Haven't you
heard? At midnight, every computer in the world is gonna fail!
Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear
weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
Peter: No! Silly rabbit! Trix
are for kids. Damn long-ears, trying to take Easter away from
Jesus. Sorry. What were you saying?
Cleveland: Hey, Peter, in case
you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international
symbol for "party over here"!
Peter: Forget the party. The
world's gonna end! Y2K! I heard it from a chicken-man.
All: [Laughing]
Cleveland: Oh, Peter, you are
the height of just-too-mucherie.
Peter: Well, laugh all you want.
But when you die, you'll have to go to heaven. And you know
what? You know what? I bet you run into those two dead bailiff
ladies from Night Court. You're not gonna know which one is
which. And it's going to be really awkward. So bite me.
Brian: Hey, can you help me
with these damn studs?
Lois: Aren't you a little over-dressed?
Brian: Oh, well, actually, I'm
just stopping off at Quagmire's. There's a benefit gala at
the Boston Pops tonight, and...well, I'm trying to nail the
flautist.
Lois: Oh, Stewie! You're adorable!
Stewie: Yes, yes. I rather like
the sash. But do the Huggies make my ass look big?
Lois: Peter, come on! You've
had 1,000 years to get ready for this party. It always takes
him so long to get dressed.
(Lois is in the bathroom wearing a
violet-and-lavender striped dress.)
Lois: Peter, we're gonna be
late for my cousin's wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?
(Enter Peter wearing the same dress
as Lois.)
Peter: Oh, crap. Well, one of
us is gonna have to change. (Pause.) [sighs] Unzip me.
Lois: Where's your father?
Meg: He's still down in the
basement.
Lois: Peter, you've been down
there all day. I hope you're already... [screams]
Chris: Oh, my God! The government
is here! Run, ET, run!
ET: [Screaming]
Peter: The end of the world
is coming. Now, come on, get in your radiation suits.
Lois: Peter, we are not missing
a once-in-a-lifetime event because of some wacko doomsday
theory.
Peter: Okay. Okay. Hey, guys.
You know that one Christmas present you really wanted, but
didn't get?
Meg: A phone?
Chris: A pony?
Brian: A humidor?
Stewie: A dead Lois?
Peter: Yeah. Well, it's in the
basement. Come on. Let's go see.
Meg: My own phone!
Chris: I'm gonna name him Sparky.
Lois: Peter, if you want to
stay here, that's fine. But we're going to the party. Kids!
Peter: Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois: No.
[Loud crashing]
Stewie: Oh, dear me, yes, yes.
This is how I wanted to enter the new millennium. Locked in
a basement with imbeciles dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.
Brian: Thanks a lot, Peter.
Right now, I could be in Boston, pretending I give a rat's
ass about Vivaldi.
Meg: Yeah, and I could be getting
felt up by Kevin.
Lois: Now, Meg, don't you give
it all away up front. Make him work for it. And shame on you,
Peter. Scaring the kids with your nuclear-holocaust nonsense.
Peter: You said "nuclear." It's
"nucular," dummy. The "s" is silent.
Chris: It's almost midnight.
Diane Simmons: We now go live
to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa. Tricia, what can you tell
us?
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, Quahog's
fabled alabaster clam is about to descend and usher in a new
millennium.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8...
Peter: This is it!
Crowd: 6, 5, 4...
Peter: Hold on tight!
Crowd: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year!
[Cheering]
["Auld Lang Syne" playing]
Brian: A flautist, Peter!
Lois: Well, I hope you're happy.
Come on, kids. We can still make the party if we...
[Earth rumbling] [Whooshing] [crashing]
Military Guy: Nice work, Lieutenant.
Very festive.
Lieutenant: Actually, sir, each
of those lights represents a missile launching by itself.
The pattern is just a coincidence.
Military Guy: Oh, well, now
that you mention it, the "Y" is a little misshapen. Still,
it's pretty amazing.
[Explosion]
Bill Clinton: Oh, what the hell.
Come here, Hillary.
Alien abductee: What did I miss?
Peter: Holy crap! Anybody else
feel that?
[Griffin kitchen, post-apocalypse]
Peter: Good morning, family.
Hey, Lois, you remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?
Lois: Peter, there was no third
Hardy Boy.
Peter: Oh, really? Just like
there was no apocalypse? He shoots! He scores!
[Crashing]
Lois: Okay, we were wrong about
the end of the world, and you were right. Can we please just
drop it?
Meg: It's just not fair. I finally
get a date with Kevin, and he gets vaporized!
Chris: He's just using that
as an excuse. [Laughs]
Lois: Let's just be grateful
we survived the apocalypse healthy and mutation-free.
Cleveland: I said I can do it.
Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
Peter: Hey, Clevemire.
Quagmire: That's "Quagland."
Cleveland: "Quagland?" Oh, you
must be dreaming.
Quagmire: Not about kicking
your fat ass!
Lois: Boys, please. You used
to be so close.
Cleveland: Sorry, Lois. We're
both a little crabby, on account of the fact that neither
one of us has had any food since we got fused together.
Lois: Well, we just finished
off what was left in the kitchen. When I think of all the
food we've wasted in this house...
[Peter attempting to feed television]
Peter: Here, Tom Selleck. Come
on. Down the hatch. Come on. Hey! Hey! None for you, Higgins!
Trying to steal Tom Selleck's food! No. No! You've had yours!
Lois: Thank goodness Peter bought
a supply of dehydrated meals before the blast. Peter, what
are you doing? You just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter: What a waste of money.
I'm still hungry.
[Slushy oozing]
Peter: Everyone leave. I have
to poop. Now!
Brian: Well, so much for finding
food at the Stop 'N Shop.
Peter: Figures. The one time
I remember my Value Club Card.
Brian: Wait a minute. I smell
barbecue.
[Gasping]
Tom Tucker: So what do you think,
Diane? Can I cook, or what?
Diane Simmons: Mmm, delicious,
Tom. I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks.
Brian: Oh, my God! They're eating
Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa.
Peter: That's crazy. They're
just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Chris: Come on, Woody. We're
gonna search for food.
Peter: Sorry, Chris. The plant
can't come.
Lois: It's his best friend.
Peter: Lois, it'll just be another
mouth to feed. I'll take care of Woody, son.
[Gunshot]
Chris: What was that?
Peter: Nothing. Let's go.
Lois: Go where? If there's no
food in Quahog what makes you think there's gonna be food
anywhere else?
Peter: Lois, everyone knows
there are only two things that can survive a "nucular" holocaust
cockroaches and Twinkies. And there's a Twinkie factory in
Natick.
Lois: Twinkies?
Peter: Yeah. I saw a story about
them on A&E.
Announcer: And now back to A&E's
Biography, "Twinkie the Kid."
Greg Twinkee: [stammering] It
was difficult for Twink to play with other children. He was
different. He was definitely... He had no bones. And he couldn't
really play any sports.
Sheila Twinkee: Yeah. That's
why, you know, we got him the lasso.
Greg Twinkee: Yeah.
Sheila Twinkee: He'd spend hours
in the backyard, playing Wonder Woman. [Laughing] He's gonna
kill me.
Greg Twinkee: He loved that
lasso. Not as much as the baton. But we put a stop to the
baton. He was different enough, you know?
Peter: We just gotta get to
that Twinkie factory, and we'll have all the food we need.
Lois: Well, good-bye, sweet
home. Maybe someday we'll return.
Peter: Hey, Joe, can you keep
an eye on the place?
Joe: I might as well. I'm melted
to the ground.
Meg: There you go, Mr. Swanson.
These oughta keep the rats away.
Joe: Thanks, hon. Stay in school!
Mutant Rat: [Roaring]
Joe Swanson: Bring it on!
Lois: Look, Peter! People!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter: Uh-oh.
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my
band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have
any food?
Peter: Uh, no. That's why we're
on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass
until you answer the following question. Name something you
take on a picnic.
Meg: Blankets.
Brian: Potato salad.
Chris: Chicken.
Stewie: A dead Lois.
Peter: Okay. We're gonna go
with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me "potato salad"!
Peter: [Whispering] Maybe we
should go now.
[in car]
Peter: Aw, jeez! Out of gas?
Chris: Hey, Dad, look!
Old Man: Well, howdy, strangers.
You look plumb tuckered. Like to sit a spell?
Lois: Actually, we are tired.
Chris: And hungry.
Old Man: Well, we got plenty
of room here and all the fresh apples you can eat.
Lois: Oh, Peter! We found a
new home!
Peter: What are you talkin'
about? We're going to Natick!
Meg: For what? A Twinkie factory
that might not even exist anymore?
Brian: She's right. Besides,
this place is paradise.
Old Man: Sure is. Except for
Randy Newman.
Peter: Randy Newman?
Old Man: Yup. Just sits there
all night and day singing about what he sees.
[Playing piano]
Randy Newman: ♪ Fat man with
his kids and dog♪ ♪Drove in through the mornin' fog♪
♪Hey there, Rover, come on over ♪
Lois: Well, it's nice to have
music while we eat.
Randy: ♪ Red-headed lady,
reachin' for an apple♪ ♪Gonna take a bite, nope, nope♪
♪She's gonna breathe on it first♪ ♪Wipes it on her blouse...♪
♪She takes a bite, chews it once,♪ ♪Twice, three times,
four times, stops♪ ♪Saliva workin'♪ ♪She takes a long
hard look at Randy♪ ♪Five times♪ ♪Fat old husband
walkin over ♪
Lois: Let's get the hell out
of here.
Randy: ♪Yeah, they're walkin'
down the road♪ ♪Left foot,right foot,left foot,right foot,left--
♪
[Apple hits Randy in the head]
Chris: ♪ Left foot, right
foot♪ ♪Left foot, right foot♪
Lois: Please, Chris, Mommy's
going to have a big...
Chris: ♪Left foot, right foot♪
♪Left foot... ♪
Lois: Chris please... Stop
it! Thank you sweetie. Now, Peter, we've got to find some
food.
Brian: Oh, my God! Look!
Peter: It's Natick.
All: [Cheering]
Meg: There's no factory?
Stewie: Ha! Very good, fat man!
We follow the Pied Piper of Hamsteak to the gates of oblivion,
and look what it's brought us! We're finished! We're done!
Game over, man! Game over! Augh! Damn it!
Lois: Stewie, get out of that
nuclear waste! Who knows what animals have been in there?
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Cheering]
Stewie: It's about damn time!
Peter: No words...should have
sent a poet.
Brian: There's enough food to
last us forever!
Lois: Peter, we're saved! You
were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just
like we had in Quahog.
Meg: Yeah! And we can build
a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out!
Chris: And two Denny's, so we
can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the
good one."
Lois: We can have Quagland get
Joe out of the driveway. And we can build a community, just
like the one we had.
Peter: No! We'll build a better
one. I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog!
[Energy pulsating]
Stewie: Well. This isn't very
good, now, is it?
[Cheerful instrumental music]
Quagmire: [screaming]
Chris: Guess who?
Meg: Stop it, Chris.
Chris: Wrong! Ha ha ha ha! Oh,
wait. Did you say "Chris"?
Lois: Stewie, time for breakfast!
Did you wash your tentacles, my big handsome boy?
Stewie: What the devil are you
talking about? "Handsome." I'm repugnant! I'm a radio-bloody-active
freak!
Quagmire: Eh, I fold. Come on,
let's go home and get tender with your wife.
Cleveland: I don't know, Quagmire.
Lovemaking with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy.
[bedroom with Loretta and Quagland]
Quagmire: All right!
Brian: Ah, excuse me, Mr. Mayor.
We have an outsider who wishes to join our community.
Peter: Welcome to my fair city!
If you want to become a citizen, you have to get a job.
Man: Well, before the disaster,
I was a physician.
Cleveland: That's terrific.
We need a doctor.
Peter: We sure do. Let's hope
you get it. Now pick a job out of the hat. Ah, "Village idiot."
That's a good one. On Tuesdays, you get to wave your penis
at traffic. Congratulations.
Joe: Peter, maybe we should've
just let him be a doctor.
Peter: No! These are the rules
of New Quahog. Besides, that's how everyone else got their
jobs.
Old lady: Go! [Frantic screaming]
Patient: You see, Doc, my back
tooth is killing me. [screaming]
Peter: And things have worked
out fine so far.
Cleveland: Peter, no offense,
but that's because we all pitched in.
Joe: That's right. We built
schools, and hospitals.
Brian: Yeah, not to mention
the theater.
[Brian on stage as Truman Capote]
Brian: "But when I saw the movie,
it looked like Audrey Hepburn not only didn't have breakfast
at Tiffany's, she hadn't eaten anything in a year. [hooting]
I am such a bitch!"
[back in office]
Brian: We have everything we
need. And no crime, no guns, no pollution.
Peter: Brian's right. We've
left ourselves defenseless. Guys, we need to make some guns.
Cleveland: Guns? Guns only lead
to trouble.
Peter: Right. And when that
trouble happens, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head
off! Besides, without guns how would our forefathers have
settled their differences?
Forefather: 8, 9, 10, and turn!
Lois: Honey, Mommy's making
you some new feetie pajamas. And look, it has a little trap
door for when you gotta make inky.
Stewie: I'll show you inky!
Lois: Let's see if they fit,
mmm?
Stewie: Never! [Mocking laughter]
Look at me! I'm Fred Astaire! Ah!
Lois: Gotcha. Oh, you are getting
heavy. I'll gonna have your father flood the basement so you
can get some more exercise.
Stewie: Yes, yes, I do seem
to have gained a bit of girth. Actually, my gullet seems to
be rumbling. [Grunting] There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid
an egg! Well, that wasn't so bad. I don't know what these
women are always complaining about... Augh!
Peter: Attention, New Quahogians.
Today my vision for our future comes true. A chicken in every
pot, and a cap in every ass!
Lois: Peter, put that away!
Where did you get the metal for all those guns?
Peter: Recycling. I used the
pipes from our irrigation system.
Woman: Are you crazy? You destroyed
all our water pipes?
Man 1: We don't need guns! We
need food and water!
Man 2: I have a canker sore
on my lip! And I keep poking at it with my tongue! But that's
only making it worse!
Peter: There's a reason I'm
in charge here, all right? I knew the world was gonna end.
I'm the one who found the Twinkie factory and started this
town. And I'm the one who gave elocution lessons to Rosie
Perez.
Man 1: That's nothing to be
proud of!
Peter: [Imitating Rosie Perez]
Don't be stupid! She speak good and everything!
Crowd: Let's get him! Throw
him out!
Lois: Wait! We can work this
out!
Peter: Jeez, I haven't been
thrown out of any place since I was a counselor at the bulimia
clinic.
[Peter at clinic]
Peter: Aw, man, did anybody
else throw up after eating that fish last night?
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Man 1: That's the last of them!
Man 3: Good riddance! What the
hell would we ever need guns for?
Stewie: Victory is ours.
[Citizens screaming]
Man 1: Quick! Grab the guns!
They're our only hope!
Man 4: Hey, Bob. You remember
the other day, you asked me what the definition of "irony"
was, and I said...
[screaming]
[Explosions]
Peter: Honey, I'm sorry I got
us kicked out of New Quahog. I guess nobody really needs guns.
I'm not always right, after all.
Lois: Oh, Peter. Hearing you
say that almost makes it worth having the world blown up.
Meg: Where are we gonna go?
Peter: I hear there's a Carvel
factory in Framingham.
Chris: All right! Fudgie the
Whale! And Cookie Puss! And Cookie O'Puss! And Nutty the Chocolate
Ghost!
Lois: Come on, everybody. Let's
sing a song.
Chris: ♪ Left foot, right
foot♪
All: ♪left foot, right foot♪
[Mysterious instrumental music]
[live action shot of woman in bed]
Pam: Bobby!
Bobby: Good morning.
Pam: Oh, Bobby. I just had the
weirdest dream. I dreamt I saw the strangest episode of Family
Guy. And there was a giant chicken! And Stewie was an octopus.
Bobby: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come
on now. It's all right. Everything's gonna be okay. What's
Family Guy?
[closing theme music]
