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Full transcript for episode FG204
"Brian
In Love"
[music a la the theme from "Mister
Rogers' Neighborhood"]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
I'm glad we're together again.
[Bell rings]
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear
our friend Trolley.
Stewie: Actually, it's your
mortal enemy, Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: What the...
Stewie: I wouldn't bother visiting
the Neighborhood of Make-believe today, Mr. Rogers. I dare
say, you'll find it quite in ruin.
Mr. Rogers: What?
Henrietta Pussycat: Meow, meow,
meow, skin graft. Meow, meow, meow, meow.
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie: That's right, all dead.
And now, Mr. Rogers...Fred. May as well drop the bloody formalities,
I'm going to kill you anyway.
Mr. Rogers: No, please. Don't!
Stewie: How ironic. "Rogers."
It almost rhymes with: "eliminate."
Mr. Rogers: No!
Stewie: What, what? What the
devil?
Lois: It's okay, Stewie. You
were just talking in your sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time
for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie: Aaugh!
Theme
Song
[Theme from The Jetsons]
George Jetson: Help! Jane! Stop
this crazy thing! Stop! Help!
Jane Jetson: Oh, my God! George!
George Jetson: Did you not hear
me out there?
Elroy Jetson: Dad, are you...
George Jetson: Go to your room,
Elroy.
Elroy Jetson: But what happened?
George Jetson: Go to your room!
For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because
my damn watch is broken.
Jane Jetson: I'm sorry.
George Jetson: Oh, "I'm sorry!"
"I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed!
Chris: So, uh, what are you
wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois: Chris, who are you talking
to?
Chris: Grandma.
Lois: Oh, no!
Brian: What is it?
Lois: It looks like Stewie had
an accident on the carpet.
Brian: Oh, Lois, again?
Lois: That baby just does not
want to keep his diaper on.
Stewie: Here you are! What the
hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it
is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and
cat food! Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. The
next time you're out shopping, why don't you splurge on a
tin of solid white albacore?
Lois: Stewie, are you upset
because you went wee-wee on the carpet?
Stewie: What did you just say?
Peter: Hey, Lois, I...hey, did
you pee in here?
Stewie: In a moment! What did
you just say?
Lois: Peter, we have a serious
problem we need to discuss.
Peter: Aw, jeez. This isn't
another one of those interventions, is it?
[Griffin kitchen]
Lois: Peter, you've been wearing
that giant foam cowboy hat for eight months now. Please, for
your family, take it off.
Peter: Hey. Hey, I can take
this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. Get away!
[living room]
Lois: No, it's Stewie. He peed
on the carpet.
Peter: Do I-do I hit him?
Lois: No!
Stewie: Bend down, Mother.
Lois: Yes, honey?
Stewie: How dare you sully my
good name by spreading your slanderous filth!
Lois: Stewie, no hitting! Use
your words.
Brian: Oh, he's probably just
ashamed, Lois. You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler,
aren't you?
Stewie: Well! The outrages I
have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! I will not
be forgetting those outrages! No, no! No, they won't be forgotten!
Not the...
Brian: "Outrages," yeah. I think
we got it.
Stewie: Ah!
Lois: Maybe it's time for Stewie
to start potty training.
Peter: Isn't he a little young
for that? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
Mrs. Lindbergh: Charles, he's
only 6 months old.
Charles Lindbergh: Honey, would
you relax? God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself. I'm
a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to...ah!
Oh, God! Oh, God! All right. He was kidnapped. You call the
police. I'll write the ransom note.
Mrs. Lindbergh: What about Amelia?
She saw everything!
Charles Lindbergh: You leave
her to me.
Lois: Come on, honey. He's been
having accidents. Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready.
This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond? James Bond. All
right, Lois. I'll do it!
Brian: Oh, God. Not again, Brian.
Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Damn it! It's not
coming out.
Lois: Brian, is that you?
Brian: Uh, yeah. It's me.
Lois: Is everything okay?
Brian: Yeah, yeah. I couldn't
sleep. I'll be up in a minute.
Lois: Okay.
Brian: [disgusted sigh]
Bob Barker: Join us tomorrow
for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker reminding you
to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed
or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die, already.
Meg: Mom, Stewie peed on the
rug again!
Brian: No!
Lois: Oh, this has gotta stop.
Meg: God! It smells gross.
Brian: well, Princess, I don't
see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.
Lois: That's odd. It looks like
someone already tried to clean it up.
Brian: No, it doesn't.
Chris: Mine smells like soda.
Peter: Yeah, I'm looking for
toilet-training books.
Clerk: Oh, yes. We can help
you there. "Everybody Poops" is still the standard, of course.
We've also got the less popular "Nobody Poops But You."
Peter: Huh. Well, see, we're
Catholic, so...
Clerk: Then you want "You're
a Naughty Child And That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out the
Back of You."
Peter: Perfect!
Lois: Brian, what are you doing?
Brian: Oh, hi, Lois. I was just
washing some things.
Lois: Those look like our sheets
and our quilt.
Brian: They are. I'm washing
them in some fabric softener, because last night they were
so itchy, I couldn't sleep. Which is why I was downstairs
when you asked me if everything was okay and I said I couldn't
sleep. You know, because it was so itchy.
Peter: Come on, Stewie. Don't
you want to pee in a toilet bowl, like a big boy? I remember
when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[current-aged Peter in living room]
Peter: Hey, Lois! I did it!
[back to bathroom]
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could
give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands
right there? It'll help me relax.
Peter: Okay, buddy. Augh! Maybe
you don't have to pee. Hey, I oughta give you beer. It goes
right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful, and while
we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: Y-yeah?
Stewie: Listen, you, I'll use
these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you
shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful
for the opportunity! Starting right...[grunting]. Well not
now. But soon!
Peter: Oh, oh, and I want these,
and these, and these.
Lois: Only one.
Peter: But that man over there
got two!
Lois: Peter, I don't care what
the other men are getting. You're only getting one.
Peter: I hate you! Hey, what's
that sound?
Stewie: You're urinating! So,
it's been you all along! Oh, this is too perfect! I've been
taking the blame for Rex.
Meg: Ew, it's everywhere!
Lois: It's okay. Meg, hand me
my sweater.
Peter: Jeez, Brian, where do
you think you are? Payless?
Stewie: I say, I say, Paco,
grab a mop. For God's sake, could somebody get Patches the
hell out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit
on the conveyor belt?
Lois: It's okay. We'll meet
you in the parking lot.
Brian: Oh, God, Lois. I need
help.
[Quahog Medical Center; pychologist's
office]
Brian: Look, I really don't
even know why I'm here. The urologist said I was fine.
Dr. Kaplan Well, sometimes these
things can be psychological.
Brian: Doubt that! I mean, I've
got a very comfortable life. I live with a great family. All
my needs are met. Okay, look. So, maybe this isn't where I
thought I was gonna be at 7 years old. It's just that I....
God, is it okay if I smoke in here? Thanks. It's just that
things don't always work out the way we plan. Do you know
I've never been to Europe? Now look at me. Middle-aged, alone,
and peeing in supermarkets. Man, didn't see that coming. I
had this dream last night. Did you ever see Logan's Run?
Intercom: Last day. Capricorn
2537. Our next dedication goes out to Tommy from Kim.
["All Out of Love" by Air Supply over
PA system]
[Tense sci-fi instrumental music]
Man: We've got a runner in Sector
G.
Brian: What about him? He's
gotta be in his 50s.
[back in office]
Brian: So what do you think?
Dr. Kaplan: I think you're very
sensitive, and you put up a tough front. I think you're in
pain.
Brian: Damn it, Brian, do not
cry.
Dr. Kaplan: I'd like to pet
you, Brian. Would that be okay? You're a good dog, Brian.
A very good...
Brian: Keep it above the waist,
Doc.
Tom Tucker: And now part two
of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special
report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm standing
in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. Ten years married
and still in love. What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable
brain tumor the size of my fist. And that just happens to
be Glen's fetish.
Lois: Brian, how'd it go?
Brian: Well, Lois, I think I
have little bit of "me work" to do. But I'm feeling things,
and that's a start.
Lois: Oh, that's wonderful.
You know, like most other people, I used to think therapy
was only for crazies and nut jobs. Isn't that silly?
Peter: Hey, Lois, I...hey, Brian.
How you doing? They let you out already?
Brian: I was in a therapy session,
not a lunatic asylum.
Peter: Hey, hey, hey, calm down.
Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful
lives.
Lois: What did your therapist
say?
Brian: Dr. Kaplan thinks the
"accidents" are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. He
suggests I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. I'm
leaving tomorrow.
Parachutist: Whoops. Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hang on, hang on. I gave you one of the ones with silverware
in it. Take this one instead. That one's probably fine.
Brian: Beautiful.
Man: Augh!
Brian: Oh, my God! Are you Stephen
King?
Man: No. I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: Oh.
[Engine starts]
Man: [Gurgling]
Brian: But, you know, thanks
to these sessions, I think I'm okay. Being out in the world,
feeling my power, and no accidents! I've been dry for two
weeks now.
Dr. Kaplan: Mazel tov.
Brian: Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan.
And thank you.
Tom Tucker: Look, I know Stacy
isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to
respect her.
Brian: Hey, you're Tom Tucker...[yelps]
Jake Tucker: Hey!
Brian: Oh, God. That was rude.
I apologize. Wow.
Stewie: [Urinating] ♪ I'm
a little teapot short and stout♪ ♪Here is my handle, here
is my spout♪ ♪When I get all steamed up, hear me shout♪
Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness,
he's wet everything. [laughter]
Brian: I-I swear, I don't even
remember doing it. I don't understand this.
Lois: Now, Brian, we know you're
not doing this on purpose. But maybe we should consider...crating.
Brian: Oh, God.
Peter: Or you could be an outside
dog. Eh? Would you like that? Eh? Outside?
Brian: And how embarrassed was
I when the word "crate" came up? I thought I was past this.
I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much
I spent?
Dr. Kaplan: Well, obviously
we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it. Tell me, Brian,
the last accident you remember, did anything unusual happen
that might've triggered it?
Brian: No, no. It was a normal
day.
[Peter washing the car]
Peter: Oh, Catwoman.
Lois: Peter, no "Catwoman" today.
I'm tired.
Peter: What's the matter? Is
the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray?
Lois: Peter, no.
Peter: Come on.
Lois: All right. Okay. Enough,
Batman. I don't want...
Peter: Not so mighty now, are
you, Catwoman?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Take that. I spit water
on you.
Lois: Peter! Batman, I can't
breathe! Peter! I'm using my special cat power to get Batman
all wet.
Peter: Hey, knock it off.
Lois: [meowing]
Brian: You know, just the usual
stuff. Wait a minute. All that running water. That's gotta
be it!
Dr. Kaplan: Mmm-hmm. Brian,
tell me about Lois.
Brian: Lois. Well, she's a fantastic
woman. She's compassionate and charming, attractive. Well,
stunning, really. I guess you could say I really...
Dr. Kaplan: Love her?
Brian: No, of course not! Me
and Lois? That's sick! I mean, come on. She's my best friend's
wife.
Dr. Kaplan: Mmm-hmmm.
Brian: Look, I love Lois, but
I'm not in love with her.
Dr. Kaplan: Who are you trying
to convince, Brian? Me or you?
Brian: Oh, Brian, Brian, what
a mess. Don't get antsy. I got three minutes left.
Peter: So, what the hell, Brian?
You cured yet? 'Cause, you know, I don't want to have to live
in a house with plastic on the furniture like some Italian
family.
Brian: My therapist thinks he's
figured out what my problem is.
Peter: Oh, yeah? What does Sigmund
"Fraud" think it is?
Brian: He thinks I'm in love.
Peter: Oh, my God! You can talk!
Brian: [lengthy pause] Never
mind.
Peter: Well, does this girl
love you back?
Brian: I can't imagine.
Peter: You gotta find out for
sure. You don't want to spend your life wondering what could
have been.
Waiter: Sir, I need a decision.
Peter: Uh, uh, salad. No, wait!
Soup!
[back in living room]
Peter: But it was too late.
And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about
the soup that got away.
Brian: Thanks, Peter. I'm gonna
go find out how she feels.
Man: I've taken you for granted.
Peter: Oh, get a room!
Lois: Hey, you. The news is
on.
Brian: Where is everybody?
Lois: Stewie's taking a nap,
and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian: O-okay. [shuddering]
Diane Simmons: And now part
three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report
on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you,
Diane. Sex. Some people have it anonymously. What kind of
person would do that, you might ask? Well, I'm about to find
out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and
he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. Watch
as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take
you in-depth and undercover.
Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish
chick before. O-lé!
Lois: It is so refreshing to
see something other than violence on the news. Brian, your
tail keeps hitting me.
Brian: If it's bothering you,
I can stop.
Lois: No, it's okay. The breeze
feels good. It's so warm in here. Ooh, that's better.
Brian: I'd take my sweater off,
but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. [awkward laughter]
[to self:]Smooth.
Lois: Well, I'd better go start
dinner.
Stewie: Well, well, well!
Brian: How long have you been
there?
Stewie: I came along about the
time you started pummeling her with your tail.
Brian: You shut up!
Stewie: You love her! Ha! Oh,
this is so good, it just has to be fattening.
Brian: I said, shut up!
Stewie: Oh, by the way, nice
rap. "I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached
to my skin." Ha ha ha! Imbecile!
Meg: Then, Brittany and Amber
were like, "Let's go to the mall." And I was like, "Okay,
I'll go to the mall." But then Amber wasn't gonna go, so I
went to the mall. And you're not gonna believe it-they
both showed up!
Peter: Hold on. Meg, Meg. I'm
sorry. That is a really boring story. I haven't been this
bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[drive-in; Peter's car facing the wrong
way]
Peter: This sucks.
[back in dining room]
Brian: Lois, this pasta, better
than Italy.
Lois: It's just my Noodle Caboodle.
I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust,
though.
Brian: Your culinary prowess
is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon,
sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you.
Lois: It's just Noodle Caboodle.
Peter: Hey, what are these hard
things?
Lois: M&Ms. I ran out of
paprika.
Brian: [blows kiss] Magnificent.
Stewie: Up. Up. Stewie wants
to go uppie!
Lois: You want me to pick you
up, sweetie?
Stewie: Mmm, Momma's skin's
so soft.
Lois: My goodness, you're affectionate
tonight. Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Stewie: Another! Another! Yes!
Momma has candy kisses!
Brian: All right, that's enough!
I mean, would you all excuse me, please?
Lois: Stewie...did you unhook
Mommy's bra?
Brian: Uh, hi.
Lois: Well, hello, Brian.
Brian: I think we should talk.
Lois: Sure.
Brian: Lois, did your heart
ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of
what the answer might be?
Lois: Oh. Oh, God. Sometimes
it's best not to ask those questions. Sometimes we should
cherish what we already have. Like a very special friendship,
let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me
wouldn't change for anything in the world.
Brian: Someone like me wouldn't
change it for anything in the world either.
Lois: I'm glad.
Brian: Okay, just to be clear,
we were talking about me being in love with you, and you rejecting
me, right?
Lois: Yes.
Brian: Just making sure. Say
we were both drunk, and we knew we wouldn't remember?
Lois: Well, I'd have to be really,
really...no!
Brian: I tell you, Peter, I
wish I'd taken this up years ago.
Peter: Yeah, you know, my great-great-great
uncle, Angus Griffin, invented the game.
Angus Griffin: So, we're all
clear on the rules then? No Jews and no blacks.
All: Aye!
Peter: Whoa, you're like the
Arnold Palmer of golf.
Brian: Yeah, life is good. I'm
seven years old, and if I play my cards right I've got another
seven years ahead of me.
Peter: Hey, what ever happened
to your lady friend?
Brian: We decided to stay good
friends. I found out that there are different kinds of love,
and ours was perfect the way it was.
Peter: So she dumped you, huh?
Ah, the hell with her! She'll probably end up with some idiot.
Serves her right. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Mulligan. Damn.
[closing theme music]
