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Cleveland: This is ridiculous.
Why did y'all drag me here?
Because you can't just sit home every
night since Loretta left.
Yeah, you gotta get out and meet some
women.
Cleveland: Well, I suppose I
could give it a try. (Walks over to a woman standing by
the bar.) Hey, baby. How'd you like to go black and then
have to make a difficult decision regarding whether or not
to go back?
Woman: Sorry, I went burnt sienna
and never went back. (A burnt sierra crayon comes up.)
Crayon: Ready, baby? Who's this
clown?
Open up, Stewie. The airplane's coming
in for a landing.
I guess the pilot must've been JFK
Jr. Ew, even I found that to be in bad taste.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Lois: Good morning, Chris. Oh,
my God. Look at the size of that pimple! You're like a circus
freak! ( laughs ) I'm kidding. You're just becoming
a man, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, I remember when
I became a man.
Doctor: The operation was a
success. What are you going to go by now?
Peter: Peter.
You know, Chris, we'll have to do something
about that.
Chris: But I don't want to get
rid of my zit. I like him. He's my friend. His name is Doug.
Brian: I just wish I didn't
have to look at it.
Chris: Well, we have to look
at your anus all day.
Stewie: Thank you!
The Bachelorette comes to Quahog in
search of male contestants. Story at 11:00. Well, actually,
that was pretty much it. Oh, but there'll be other stuff,
too. Look, I'm turning down the thermostat. See Diane's erect
nipples at 11:00.
Meg: Oh, my God! The Bachelorette
is coming to Quahog! That's, like, my favorite show ever!
Brian: Meg, how can you watch
that crap? That show's not reality. It's all staged. It's
a complete mockery of human relationships.
You know, this could be the perfect
way for Cleveland to meet Mrs. Right. I gotta tell him! Hey,
Cleveland. Joe? Oh, sorry, I dialed the wrong number. I meant
to call Cleveland. No, no, I just wanted to tell him about
something. No, no, I'd like to talk to you, too, it's just...
Fine. I'll call you after I talk to Cleveland. I don't feel
obligated-- I want to.
Chris: You're a good pimple,
Doug.
Doug: Feed me!
Chris: ( gasps ) You...
talk!
Doug: That's right. And we're
gonna raise some hell. All right! Raise some hell!
So, why would you be a good candidate
on The Bachelorette?
I would be perfect for your show because
I know how to talk dirty to the ladies.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That feels so good.
Spit in my mouth.
200 auditions, and nothing.
Well, we still got one guy waiting.
You lined up 201 auditions?
What a weird number. You're weird.
Cleveland: Peter, I can't do
this. I'm too nervous. I gotta go.
Peter: No, no, Cleveland, I'm
not going to let you do this. I'll tie you down if I have
to.
Cleveland: Peter, this is only
making it worse. Oh, God, my claustrophobia is setting in!
Peter: It's all right, it's
all right, it's okay. It's all right. It's the fabric. It's
the fabric. It's your clothes. All right, let's get your clothes
off.
Cleveland: Peter! Peter, what's
wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter: Oh, God, you're self-conscious.
I'm sorry. Here, you know what? Look, look. Cleveland. Look.
See? See? Now you're not alone. You're not alone, Cleveland.
Cleveland: Let me out of here!
I need to get out of here!
Peter: Cleveland, no. No, you're
staying. This, this for your own good. This is for your own
good.
Oh, my God!
Hi, we're here for the interview. Uh,
excuse me?
Brian: Hi. Yeah, listen, I just
wanted to apologize for Peter. He was just trying to help
out his friend. You see, his wife left him and he's been kind
of lonely, confused about what he really wants.
What's your name?
Brian: Brian.
Congratulations, Brian. You're gonna
be on The Bachelorette. Really? You sure you don't wanna reconsider
my friend?
Let me see, let me see. Oh-ho, that
ain't bad.
Brian, I can't believe you're gonna
be on The Bachelorette.
Yeah, I thought you said those shows
were stupid.
Brian: They are stupid, but
I figure I got a few days of free booze and free food before
they kick me off. I could use a vacation.
Stewie: Oh, yes, 'cause you've
got such a heavy workload around here. Hmm, how you, uh...
how you coming on that novel you working on? Hmm? Got a big,
uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a, got a nice little
story you working on there? Your big -big novel you've been
working on for three years? ( voice rising in pitch ) Hmm? Got a, got a compelling protagonist, eh? Got a, got an
obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there?
Working on... Working on that for quite some time, huh? Yeah,
talking about that three years ago. You've been working on
that the whole time? Nice little, uh, narrative-- beginning,
middle and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies
become friends? Eh? At the end your main character is richer ( voice still higher in pitch ) for the experience,
yeah? Yeah? Yeah, you've got, uh-- no, no. You deserve some
time off. I'm super-excited. You think she'll be hot? I bet
she'll be hot. I think she'll be hot, too!
No way-- so do I!
Quagmire?
Oh. Hey, Brian. How did you get on
the show?
I had to do a few favors.
I gotta get on that show! Come on,
I'll do anything!
Anything ?
Uh, yeah . All right.
Okay, you ready?
Yep.
Okay, check under the bed.
Nope. Nothing.
Check in the closet.
No. No monsters in here.
Now check the bathroom.
Nope, none in here either.
Okay, good.
So, can I be on The Bachelorette?
Yeah. Goodnight.
Lois: Peter, I 'm getting a
little worried about Chris. All he does lately is sit alone
in his room talking to that zit.
Peter: Oh, relax, Lois. What's
a zit going to do? Talk to him and tell him to sneak out of
the house and cause trouble?
Doug: Now light it, ring the
doorbell, and run like hell!
Chris: I don't know about this,
Doug.
Doug: Just do it! ( doorbell
rings )
Joe: Oh, good Lord! Is that.
.. Doody!
Bonnie: I'm doing the dishes,
Joe. I'll change you in a minute.
Trevor, this is Brooke, the Bachelorette.
Trevor: I wasn't too nervous.
I mean, when I'm nervous I work out and I wasn't working out,
so I must not have been nervous. I was... I was very pleased
and surprised.
Brian: I really was not expecting
an open bar. Top shelf booze, I tell you. And this guy knew
his stuff. Made me a mojito. I don't think it's a gay drink.
Mo-ji-to.
Quagmire: ( breathlessly
) Giggity... giggity... giggity. ..
Hi, guys ! Well, it 's been great
to meet you all and I'm looking forward to getting to know
you while we're here!
Quagmire: Giggity... giggity...
giggity. .. (sighing)
Trevor: Dude, put your pants
on.
Quagmire : shut up! Well,
I really like all the guys, but some of them seem Sa little
too competitive. I uh, I gotta tell ya, I don't know what
she would possibly see in Count Chocula. I-I thin k he's just
here because he's a minority.
Chris: You were right, Doug!
Mischief is fun! We're the best pals since the Snorks.
Oh, I'm having a really great time.
Me, too.
I really value our friendship.
You're not like those other snorks
who only want one thing. Oh, that was clumsy. Hang on a second.
Gentlemen, it's time for the first
rose ceremony. Who gets to stay and who takes the bus ride
home? It's up to Brooke. Trevor. That's what Trevor's talking
about. Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine? Uh, sure . Hi,
Jesus! No way! ( phone ringing ) Hello? I know, I saw! Glenn.
( goofy squealing ) ( sighing )
Brooke: Brian.
Brian: What? Are you serious?
Brooke: I feel like I didn't
get to know you at all. Would you accept this rose?
Brian: ( sighing) All
right, but I think this whole thing is about as pointless
as Peter's cow kite.
Ah, this is never gonna work. Damn
cow .
Cleveland, what am I doing wrong?
You gott a get her running before you
start running.
Chris? Chris, honey, can I talk to
you? Oh, my God, he's gone.
Stewie: Ooh, that means this
room is mine now. Man, I'm going to party my ass off in here.
Great pot, Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah, I got it from
our cleaning lady's boyfriend. It's okay, though, 'cause she's
gonna use the money to get a mammogram.
Lois: Chris! Where have you
been?
Chris: Doug told me I don't
need to listen to you.
Lois: Doug? Your pimple? Oh,
that is it! First thing tomorrow we're going down to Goldman's
pharmacy and get some astringent to get rid of that thing.
Doug: What did I tell you? She's
trying to drive us apart. We can't let that happen. I am in
no mood!
Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch, and
our first group date! Is every one ready for a little cowboy
action? I love horses.
Sorry I' m late, Brian. Here's your
ride.
Brian: Oh, come on. You can'
t expect me to ride that thing.
Sorry, we're short on horses. ( sighing
) You know what? Forget it. I'll just go smoke. Hey, there,
Adam.
Hello, Henry. I have the power! ( thundering
)
Brian: Brooke? What are you
doing here?
Brooke: Ooh, I just can't take
it anymore. All these guys just coming on to me. I had to
sneak off. Oh, could I bum one of those?
Brian: You know , I don't even
know why I agreed to do this show. This is just so not me.
I would much rather just be home, listening to my old jazz
records.
Brooke: Really? You know , I
actually have quite a jazz collection myself.
Brian: Who do you like?
Brooke: DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Brian: Oh.
Brooke: I'm kidding. ( laughing
)
Brian: Oh! You got me. You got
me, yeah.
Brooke: No, I really like Coleman
Hawkins, Ben Webster... ooh, and early Coltrane, before he
got clean.
Brian:Yeah, yeah, no junk, no
soul.
Brooke: No kidding. I mean,
look at Chevy Chase.
Brian: Right, right. You know
, I gotta say, I thought she was just some actress looking
for her 15 minutes of fame, but she's, uh... she's pretty
sharp, you know? I guess you can't judge a Brooke by her cover. ( chuckling ) You can... you can cut that out, right?
Oh, and maybe you can cut when I said "junk" earlier, the
whole Chevy Chase thing. Seems like he's probably the kind
of guy who might sue. I mean, the guy's gotta have no money
left.
All right, gentlemen, let's see how
Glenn's private date with Brooke is going.
Hey, Brooke, what do you say we get you some more champagne?
Sure.
( chuckling ) All right.
Oh, hey, uh, forgot about you guys.
Well, I guess the date's over. Good
night, Brooke. Thanks for a lovely evening. (Quagmire sniffing
)
Aaahhh! Oh, my God, Peter! It looks
like there's been a break-in!
Duh... do you think so? ( bell ringing
) Oh, God, they're back! ( screaming ) Whoa! Awesome! Totally
awesome! All righ t, Goldman! What the hell's your problem,
Mort?
Oh, I'm sorry, Peter. I though t you
were one of those criminals who broke in and destroyed my
entire stock of acne medication.
Lois: Oh, my God. Peter, d o
you think Chris might have done this?
Peter: Come on, Lois, he doesn't
have the wild streak you had when you were younger. For God'
s sake, you used to make plaster molds of celebrity body parts.
Lois: Okay, Daryl, it's almost
dry. Very nice, by the way. This one 's going on the shelf
right next to Dan Fogelberg.
Oates (?) :Hey, Lois. Am I up
next?
Lois: Just wait in your dressing
room. I'll come back for you, Oates. ( door closes ) I'm not
coming back for Oates.
Brooke: Glenn, will you accept
this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged
you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.
This is the final rose tonight. Brian.
Yes! Yeah, you know, I mean, I know I was skeptical at first,
but I... I gotta be honest, I've never felt this way about
anyone before. I mean... I'm in love. That's i t. I'm in love.
I finally understand those songs on the radio. ♪ What did
you think I would do at this moment ♪ ♪ When you're standing
before me with tears in your eyes... ♪
Oh, Brian, I can't 't wait to meet
your family.
( nervously ): Yeah, me, too. They're,
uh, pretty great. Peter: Brian! Welcome home, you son
of a bitch! So, did you lose? ! You got to tell me all
about it. Hey, how was the bachelorette? Was she a dumb bimbo,
like you said, but with a big rack? ( laughs ) Come on in
and tell me everything. I bet your stories will make me laugh
so hard I shoot milk out of my nose.
Brian: Um, Peter, this is Brooke,
the bachelorette. She's, uh, having dinner with us tonight.
I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter:(laughing and then shooting
milk out of his nose)
Well, it's wonderful to meet you. We've
heard so ma ny nice things. Yes, indeed. So, how long have
you been a prostitute? No, Doug, I will not lift up her shirt!
Chris, we have co mpany! So... you, uh, yo u ever been with
a woman? Um, no. Peter! What? ( screams ) There , are you
happy, Doug? ( sobbing )
Christopher Cross Griffin, what are
you doing?! Joe, what are you doing here?
Joe:Peter, Lois, we h ave proof that it was Chris who
vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy. I knew it. I knew it! I didn't
want to believe it, but it's true.
Oh, God, what happened to my baby?! Who sold you the drugs? I can't believe t his! ( all shouting at once )
JOE: Do you know what a cavity search
is? You made my mom c
some wonderful times. I really like
you ... Look, I understand. It's okay. I hope you and Quagmire
have all the happiness in the world.
But I'm choosing you.
Just promise me y ou'll make him wear
thi... What? You're choosing me? After what happened with
my family? Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening I spent with
Glenn and his mother. (Mittens meowing )
Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would
you feed Mittens?
Quagmire: Mittens has food in
his bowl.
Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food. (Mittens meowing )
Quagmire: Mittens, shut up.
Mittens, shut up!
Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk
to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Quagmire: Mom, you want this
three-way to happen, you're going to have to change your tone.
Brian: My God, you've just made
me the happiest dog in the world. I love you, Brooke.
Brooke: I love you too, Brian.
All right, that's a wrap. Well, it was great working with
you, Brian. Good luck.
Brian: What? What are you talking
about? Wh-What about us?
Oh, stop it. It' s just TV.
Michael Eisner: Hi , Brian.
Brian: Michael Eisner?
Michael: On behalf of ABC, I'd
like to give you this parting gift.
Brian: The bill for the mansion?
Michael: No givesies backsies!
( phone line ring s ) Uh, hey, Brooke. It's, uh, it's me again--
Brian. Hi. Wasn't sure i f you got my last message. Or, uh,
any of th e other ones. Um, anyway, I'll just leave a quick
message, 'cause you might be trying to call me right now and
I don't want to tie up the line, so, I guess, um... Uh, I
guess, yeah
, give me a call. Okay, I'm hanging
up. In three, two, on e. Okay, call me bac k. I'll be here.
Al l day. And ton ight. Oka y, bye. ( pho ne rings ) U h,
hey, me again. Thought I might h ave heard a voice when I
was hanging up. Nope? Guess not. Okay,
I will talk to you soon. Hello? No,
sorry. Hey, babe, just t rying you again, listening to our
guy Coltrane... you know, okay... Anyway, I got a f ax earlier
about cheap airfare to Cancun. Didn't know if th at was you
trying to reach me. Uh, you know, let me give you my home
number again, just in case you lost it... Electronic voice:
voice mail is full. Damn. ( doorbell ringin g ) Package for
Brooke Roberts. Oh, that's me, thanks. BRIAN: Uh, hey, there.
Me again. Your voice mail w as full, so I got you this answering
machine. So, uh, what's go ing on?! I'm thinking abou t doing
something tonight...
BRIAN: Hey, you'r e home. Listen, Brian,
I want you to leave me alone or I am calling the cops. ♪
Brooke, I'm so in love with you... ♪ Aw! Oh! Aw! Aw! Chris,
where the hell are we? I told you, Doug, thi s is the bacon
factory. Doctor, I need you to get rid of this zit! You traitor!
Whoa, t hat's a doozy. I bet some of those a wful kids at
school call you zit face. No. Papa Zit? No. Puss Peak? No.
Fat ass? Well, yeah. Tsk, tsk . Oh, that's terrible. Well,
we're going to have to use some cortisone on that. Oh, yeah?
Two can pl ay at that game. ( gunshot ) Don't thi nk I won't
do it, man! All right, all right,
let's all be cool here... ( grunting
) No! Whe w! You okay, fat ass? S he told me she loved me--
on what used to be a hit TV show. God, I can't believe I got
sucked in to that phony reality world just like everyone else.
I became the very thi
ng I was mocking. Oh, I know it hurts
n ow, Brian, but look at the bright side. You have some new
mat erial for that novel you've been writing. You know, the
novel y ou've been working on. You know, the one you 've been
working on for three years? ( voice rising in pit ch ): You
know, the novel? Got something new to write about now, you
know? Maybe your... maybe y our main character gets into a
relationship? ( voices rises in pit ch again ): Suffers a
little heartbreak? Something like what-w hat you've been...
you've just been thro
ugh? Draw from real-life e xperiences?
A little heartbreak, you know, work it into the story? Make
those characters a little more three dimensional? ( very high
pitch ): A little richer experience for the reader? Make those
second hun dred pages really keep the reader guessing what's
going to happen? Some twists and turns ? ( squeaking
in high f alsetto ): A little epilogue? Everybody learns the
hero's journey isn't always a happy one? ( normal voice ):
Oh, I look forward to reading it.
