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Full transcript for episode FG107
"Brian:
Portrait of a Dog"
Peter: Come on, everyone. That
Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start.
Tom Bradford: Oh, Mary, have
you seen Nicholas?
Mary Bradford: He's up in his
room sulking, Dad.
Nancy Bradford: Yeah. He's still
upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards.
Tom Bradford: Oh, well, maybe
I should make him a sandwich.
All: [Laughing]
Nancy Bradford: Oh, Dad. That's
your solution to everything.
[Tom starts beating on Nancy]
Nancy Bradford: [crying]
Mary Bradford: Dad! Dad!
Tom Bradford: What?
Mary Bradford: Eight is enough.
All: [Laughing]
Tom Bradford: You know, I love
you girls.
Theme
Song
Stewie: Splendid. That hausfrau's
cheap rayon blouses will make a serviceable parachute should
I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. Once it's built, of
course. Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?
No, of course you didn't, you worthless little.... There!
See what you made me do? Do you think I enjoy hitting you?
Well, actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it
again!
Lois: Oh, Stewie! My clothes
are not for you to play with, understand? Thanks for telling
me, Brian. I don't know what we'd do without you.
Stewie: I'm on to you. Oh, yes!
Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed.
You prance about this house like the cock of the walk. But
will you be prancing when...when...when there's nothing to
prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then?
Brian: Oh, you just want to
eat him up.
Meg: It is so hot out there!
All: How hot is it?
Meg: I don't know. Like, around
98, 99.
Peter: I don't get it.
Meg: I think I'm a little sweaty.
Stewie: You! You seem to know
all the players in this poorly-acted farce. What do they call
that one?
Chris: That's Meg, dude. You
know that.
Stewie: Meg! You vile-smelling
girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand
me? Dirty, dirty girl.
Diane Simmons: Meanwhile, here
at home, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak
heat wave.
Tom Tucker: I don't think you
should use the word "freak". Some people might find it offensive.
[Tucker kitchen]
Tom Tucker: Finish your oatmeal,
son.
Jake Tucker: Why bother? I'm
just a freak! A freak!
Tom Tucker: We're all a little
different, Diane. Each of us.
Diane Simmons: Good point, Tom.
We're even feeling the effects of this heat wave here in our
studio. [Sneezing] Freak. So stay inside and stay cool.
Meg: I think I saw one of her
nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible
word! "Nipple." I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
Stewie: I say, am I to strut
about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?
Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!
Lois: Please don't threaten
Mommy. She's very hot.
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up
all the fans!
Chris: Yeah, well, you're hogging
up all the ugly!
Peter: Check this out, you guys.
The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year!
First prize is $500!
Lois: Really? You know, if you
won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner.
Meg: Hey, Brian. You could win
for sure. You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet.
[Brian in barshop gear, singing in
four-part harmony]
Brian: ♪ We were sailing along♪
♪On Moonlight Bay♪ ♪We could hear the voices singing♪
♪They seemed to say ♪
[back in living room]
Brian: Uh, sorry. I don't do
dog shows. It's not my thing.
Peter: Come on, Brian. All you
gotta do is a few simple commands. And maybe a trick or two.
It'll be like taking candy from a baby.
[Baby gurgling]
Meg: Please, Brian.
Brian: I don't know. I mean
I don't even know where my papers are. Can't you get the money
some other way?
Peter: Believe me, I've been
trying. That's why I went on that game show.
[on set of Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: For $800, this
chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: Diarrhea.
Audience: [Laughter]
Peter: What? Oh, oh, sorry,
sorry. "What is Diarrhea?"
[Griffin living room]
Peter: Come on, Brian. We really
need a new air conditioner.
Brian: [Groaning]
Peter: Okay, let's go over the
commands. Sit. Good. Roll over.
Brian: Peter, I'm already shvitzing
like crazy here. Let's call it a night, huh?
Peter: Look, do you want to
win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you're
gonna wear your ears. You know, 'cause I was thinking up.
Brian: I need a cocktail.
Lois: Don't push too hard, Peter.
You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After
all, it's only a dog show.
Peter: Lois, honey, I love you,
but you're sucking all the energy out of the room.
[Knocking on door]
Brian: Come.
Lois: I got you a little something,
you know, for the show. It's Italian. Do you like it?
Brian: Oh, it's exquisite.
Lois: It's not for every day.
Brian: Clearly. I'm gonna put
it on right now.
Lois: I know how hard you've
been working. And, well, the whole family appreciates it.
Brian: Thank you, Lois.
Lois: I should go. We'll be
waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian-you look
very handsome.
Brian: [Inhales deeply] Showtime!
Announcer: Welcome to the Quahog
Dog Show. Today's competition will be almost as hot as the
weather, which is once again in the triple digits.
[Bird squawks]
Brian: Peter, I'm not, I'm not
really comfortable with all this. Do I know you? I-I don't
think I can do this.
Peter: But you can't back out
now. How about a pill? Something to relax you before you go
on?
Lois: Peter, are you offering
Brian drugs?
Peter: Not drugs, Lois. Just
a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform.
Lois: Well, those celebrities
are wrong!
Peter: Lois! If Liza is wrong,
then I don't want to know what right is.
Stagehand: Two minutes to curtain,
Miss Minnelli!
Liza Minnelli: Come on, baby!
Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!
Blue M&M: Lady, for God's
sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!
Stewie: [Grunting] You there,
child-woman! I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll
me into the nearest lake.
Meg: Let me see if I can find
you a juice box, okay?
Stewie: And get the lead out,
pudgy!
Announcer: Next, Peter Griffin
and his dog, "Brain".
Brian: Well, we're off to a
good start.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Announcer: A beautiful performance
from "Brain" Griffin!
Meg & Lois: Go, Brian!
[Crowd applauding]
Peter: All right, Brian. We
got it all sewn up.
Brian: What-what the hell is
this?
Peter: This? This is the part
where you beg for a treat.
Brian: Oh, I don't think so.
Peter: Brian, you're embarrassing
me.
Lois: God, he can't expect Brian
to do that.
Chris: It's easier than it looks,
Mom.
Peter: Come on, Brian. We had
a deal.
Brian: Yeah, well, the deal's
off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be
waiting in the car!
Peter: Brian, come! Hey, don't
you walk out on me! I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep
going. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy. [nervous
giggling]
[Griffin car]
Peter: How could you let me
down like that, Brian?
Brian: Oh, I let you down? Why?
Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype
of the "good dog"?
Peter: This is the one thing
I ever asked you to do for this family. Well, you know, this
and not do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet.
Brian: Oh, oh, one time I did
that, one time!
Lois: Peter, Brian, please.
Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do.
Chris: Yeah. Except for the
time Dad hit that deer.
Peter: Yeah, it looks like it's
just a ding. Uh, you know, there's no reason get the insurance
companies involved.
Deer: Well, I should still take
down your information, though.
Peter: Really? You could probably
just buff that out.
Deer: Yeah, but I...I would
really feel better if I got your information.
[Griffin car]
Peter: You know, you know, Brian,
maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you really don't care
about this family.
Brian: Peter, if you cared about
me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading.
Peter: Look, the next time I
ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?
Lois: Who wants to sing show
tunes? ♪In olden days...♪
Brian: Stop the car.
Peter: Is that what you want?
Because I'll stop.
Brian: Pull over now.
Peter: Fine.
Lois: Oh, God. Brian, don't
do this.
Stewie: Is the doggie going
bye-bye? Oh, I'm so sad. Quick! Back up!
[Sorrowful instrumental music]
Brian: Oh, great. Is there a
problem, Officer?
Cop: Can I see your license,
boy?
Brian: "Boy"? Oh-oh, God. I
left it on my other collar.
Cop: You been chasing cars tonight,
boy?
Brian: Look, the name is Brian.
I was just out for a little walk. That's all.
Cop: Uh-huh, without a leash.
I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk. Down!
Brian: I don't believe this.
Peter: I don't suppose you could
let us off with a warning, huh?
Cop: Sorry, sir. But leash laws
are for his own good. The fine is $10. You behave, little
fella, you hear me?
Brian: [Slave voice] Oh, Lordy,
Lordy, I'll never roam again! [normal voice] Jackass.
Peter: Hey, he's the law outside
this house, just like I'm the law inside this house. And you
better start obeying both of us.
Brian: Oh, look at you. Big
man, can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your
family.
Peter: Jeez, what a bitch.
Diane Simmons: Good morning,
Quahog! Well, the heat wave has finally broken, Tom.
Tom Tucker: It sure has, Dian.
You know what they say, "If you don't like the weather in
New England, go back where you came from. "
Diane Simmons: Uh, I don't think
that's the expression.
Tom Tucker: Yeah, I guess I
had one too many Bloody Marys this morning. But anyway...[spitting
up] Oh, God. I hope the boss isn't watching.
Diane Simmons: [uncomfortable
laughter]
Peter: I don't know how those
two manage to be so perky in the morning.
Meg: Mmm. Something smells good.
Lois: Homemade cinnamon buns,
fresh from the tube.
Dough Boy: [Giggling] Nothing
says "I love you" like something from...hey, what the hell
are you doing, you crazy bitch?
Lois: These oughta cheer Brian
up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite.
Peter: Oh, really? I could've
sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns.
Lois: Good morning, Brian. My,
your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?
Peter: Yeah, yeah. Must be that
special jo-jo-ba shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra.
But I would do anything for you, Brian.
Brian: I'll be on the veranda
since you're already on the cross.
Lois: Oh, eat with us, Brian.
I made cinnamon buns.
Brian: May I have one on a plate,
or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?
Lois: Peter, Brian, stop this.
Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[Ragtime music playing]
[1920s style black & white cartoon:
"Peter & Brian 'Fixin' the Shed']
Brian: It can never go back
to the way things were, not after the way I was treated. Not
after the things I've seen.
Chris: What did you see? Was
it breasts!?
Peter: Aw, jeez, get over it,
Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here? When I
found you, you were
nothin' but a stray.
Brian: You swore you would never
speak of that.
[Peter in car; Brian is a vagrant]
Peter: Uh, no, thank you. I
just had it cleaned. No. Aw, jeez.
Brian: All set, sir.
Peter: I don't have any change.
Sorry.
Brian: Oh. Uh, that's okay.
No charge.
[Sad instrumental music]
Peter: Wait. [Stammering] You
hungry? 'Cause, you know, my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole.
Out of this world.
[Griffin kitchen]
Peter: Look, you got everything
you could possibly want, right here. Now, just eat your cinnamon
bun and stop being a bad dog.
Brian: How dare you? How dare you?
Peter: "How dare I? How dare
I?" Where do you think you're going?
Brian: Out!
Peter: Hey, you're not going
anywhere without your leash!
Brian: I don't need your damn
leash, and I don't need you! I'm goin' for a walk.
Peter: Don't worry. He won't
get far without this.
[Quahog Mini-Mart]
Brian: And a pack of Eldorados,
unfiltered. What? Oh, that. Yeah. I'll clean that up on my
way out.
Clerk: See that sign? Now why
don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't
want any trouble. " Daughter: Mom, have you ever had
a problem with "freshness"?
Mother: What do you mean, honey?
Daughter: You know. Have you
ever felt not so fresh?
Mother: I'm not sure what you're...I
don't follow you.
Daughter: Have you ever felt
like you're, you know dirty? Down there?
Mother: [Exclaiming] Oh, God,
no!
Lois: Oh, that was Brian's favorite
commercial.
Peter: "Brian." "Brian." "Brian."
No, it's not ringing a bell.
Lois: Oh, stop it! We all miss
him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home.
Peter: Look-you heard him. He
doesn't want to be a part of this family. And we don't need
him-we can get another pet.
Chris: No way, Dad. No one can
take Brian's place.
Stewie: Silence! Silence! That
mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road
as we speak. Let's get a kitty!
Peter: See, gang? Stewie's got
the right idea.
Lois: I don't know, Peter.
Peter: Lois, trust me. We'll
get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better.
[cat hissing]
Peter: Here, kitty, kitty. Come
on down, nice and easy. That's a good kitty. [Gasping] What
the hell was that?
Brian: Uh, something near a
window. Preferably a booth.
[tossed into alley]
Brian: Aargh! Yeah, you got
50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen! Yeah, that's authentic Italian.
[Lady and the Tramp doing spaghetti
scene]
Brian: Oh, don't do that. That's
what they expect you to do.
Tramp: [barks]
Brian: Okay, fine for you. But
what about your puppies? And your puppies' puppies? Am I the
only one who's outraged here? I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.
Peter: Hey, how come you're
still setting a place for Brian?
Lois: Because when he comes
home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts. I know
you're thinking about him, too, Peter.
Peter: Look, Lois, he broke
his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet. And we love
our fluffy kitty.
Woman: Oh, gross. Did he just
drink from the fountain?
Cop: Hey! Hey, you! Stay!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Brian: Joyce DeWitt? So that's
where you've been.
Joyce DeWitt: Shh.
Security Guard: Sorry, pooch.
You gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station.
Brian: My blind guy's in the
john.
Security Guard: I'll point him
in your direction.
Peter: [sigh] Brian's tennis
ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing.
Referee: Double fault!
Brian: Augh! Come on, Brian.
Lois: Peter, why don't you just
admit you miss Brian?
Peter: You're right, Lois. Who
am I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him.
[Cat howling]
Peter: God, I hate this freakin'
cat.
Brian: Can you spare some change?
Man: Why? So you can go buy
yourself another bottle of booze? Why don't you try and make
something of your life, like this dog?
Brian: That's me! I mean, that
was me.
Man: Yeah, sure.
Brian: No, I mean it. That was
me.
Man: Get away from me, you crazy
animal!
Brian: All right. All right.
You want me to be a crazy animal? Okay, I'm a crazy animal!
Man: Stop! Help! Help!
Brian: All right, who wants
to be next? You? You?
Peter: Hey, Brian. Brian! I'm
here to bring you...
Cop: You're going downtown,
pal.
Peter: ...home.
Brian: Hi. How's it going? Oh,
God. Uh, I know karate! [Kung fu noises]
[Dog growling]
Brian: Oh, look! A tasty little
baby! Well, I see somebody's been neutered.
Felicia: Come on, sugar. It's
time.
Brian: Thank God.
Judge: He's cute. Aren't you
precious? Lethal injection. Next!
Brian: What?
Peter: Oh, no! You can't do
this!
Stewie: Well, who's up for a
little lunch, hmm? Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex?
Felicia: I'm sorry, sugar.
Brian: Help me.
Peter: Don't worry, buddy. I'll
get you out of this! I'm gonna get us the best help there
is. <writing letter>
"Dear MacGyver, Enclosed is a rubber
band, a paper clip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog."
MacGyver: Aaugh!
Lois: You're looking well.
Brian: Don't get too close.
They say I'm dangerous. That's why the man's gonna put me
down.
Lois: Don't say that, Brian.
Peter is working on your appeal. You'll see. Everything's
gonna work out.
Brian: Ha! I may have been born
with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is.
I'm a second-class citizen, Lois.
Peter: Brian! Great news! The
City Council agreed to hear your case!
Brian: You're kidding! If I
prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. Oh, I don't
know how to thank you, Peter.
Lois: We're family. This is
what we do for each other. Right, Peter? Peter, don't stare!
[Intense instrumental music]
Felicia: Oh, good luck, sweetness.
Brian: Thanks, Felicia.
Councilman: This meeting was
called to review the judgment in City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin.
Brian: Justice. For all? Or
for some? Does a dog not feel? If you scratch him, does his
leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend. But what, what
manner of friend is man? I would like to cite, if I may, the
case of Plessy v. Ferguson...
Councilman: Wait a minute. Why
are we listening to a dog? Take him away!
Brian: But, but does not every
dog have his day?
Peter: Wait! Please! Please!
I gotta say something! Look, all Brian's ever wanted is the
same respect he gives
us. Well, you know, that and Snausages.
He's mental for those Snausages. And sure, sometimes we have
arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is
in the "oodmay" but Brian won't "amscray."
Lois: Peter...
Peter: Okay, okay, okay. Look.
The point is, he's a member of our family first and a dog
second. And I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy. Sometimes
we all need a second chance. Sometimes we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole $10 from Meg's
room!
Meg: I stole $10 from Mom's
purse!
Lois: I've been making counterfeit
$10 bills for years.
Councilman: Mr. Griffin, this
dog is a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic
one. But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty
words.
Peter: I'll give you each $20.
councilman: Deal. He can go.
[All cheering]
Stewie: Mistrial, damn you!
Mistrial!
[Triumphant instrumental music]
Cop: No. Let him go.
Lois: Anybody want more pizza
rolls?
Peter: Yeah. Quiet, Lois. Murder
She Wrote.
Jessica Fletcher: Charles Montrose,
after all these years.
'Charles Montrose: Jessica Fletcher!
Why, I haven't seen you since you had the, the...
Jessica Fletcher: You can say
it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion.
Peter: Aha! So she's the murderer!
Lois: Come on, kids. Bedtime.
Good night, Brian. And welcome home.
Chris: Good night, you guys.
Meg: Good night.
Stewie: Dog?
Brian: Yeah?
[Brian licks Peter's face]
Brian: If you ever tell anyone
about that, I will kill you.
[closing theme music]
