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Dennis Miller: I don't want
to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about
as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at
the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative
defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does "rant"
mean?
Theme
Song
Lois: Go, Dust Mites!
Peter: I wish they'd put Chris
in already.
Lois: Peter, relax. It's his
first game.
[Whistle]
Coach: Griffin, get in there!
Lois: They're sending him in.
Yay, Chris!
Peter: Atta boy, Chris! Hey,
that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe.
Jake Tucker: Why won't you teach
me how to wipe, Dad?
Tom Tucker: Because you don't
have a bottom, son.
Boy: You and that towel are
representin'.
Chris: Yo, that sweat's just
frightened, G!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
the Buddy Cianci Junior High cheerleaders.
Cindi: Is everybody pumped up?
Gimme a D-U-S-T!
Crowd: D-U-S-T
Cindi: M-I-T-E-S!
Stewie: M-I-T-E-S!
Cindi: What does that spell?
Stewie: Dust Mites!
Cindi: Who's gonna win this
game?
Stewie: Dust Mites! My God,
what-what just happened to me? It's those sirens. They have
us all under their spell, like that hypnotist at the Airport
Hilton.
Hypnotist: ...and three!
Brian: Oh, wow! Were we just
hypnotized?
Stewie: Well, that's incredible.
I don't remember a thing. Why do I taste crotch?
[back at game]
Stewie: I must unlock the secret
to their mind-control powers.
Peter: Lois, can we go now?
I'm starving.
Lois: The game's almost over,
Peter. Try to think about something else.
[Crowd cheering]
[Sexy instrumental music]
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Oh, sorry. Nice job out
there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris: Yo! Did y'all check me
when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was lookin'
to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave
me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Lois: What's wrong?
Peter: He's speaking in tongues,
Lois! Our son is possessed! Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't
stop reading until I tell you! The power of Christ compels
you!
Chris: [screams]
Peter: The power of Christ compels
you!
Lois: Peter, stop! He's not
possessed.
Meg: Yeah, he's just talking
street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter: Oh. Well, that's kind
of weird.
Lois: Peter, it's just a phase.
You've gone through a few yourself.
Brian: Like those two weeks
you spent narrating your own life.
Peter: I walked into the kitchen
and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the
questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course,
I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but
somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy
and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her
aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love
with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the
long fatigue of a weary life. I awoke several hours later
in a daze.
[Rap music playing]
Rapper: ♪ I was brought up
on the streets, no moms and dads ♪ ♪ I had to fend for
myself with my own two hands ♪ ♪ But today I'm hurtin'
and I'll tell you why ♪ ♪ I got a hangnail ♪
Backup rappers: Hangnail!
Rapper: ♪ Hanging from my
cuticle ♪ ♪ A hangnail ♪
Backup rappers: Hangnail!
Rapper: ♪ It ain't beautiful
♪ ♪ It hurts like a bitch that I did last night ♪
Peter: Hey, Chris. Whatcha doin'?
Chris: Just laying back in the
cot peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops! Let me have some
cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin'
me over my gear. And I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter: Well, uh, the important
thing is you tried, son.
Stewie: There they are. Very
well. And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control
secrets. Just need to get their attention.
Cindi: Okay. That was much better.
But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! What's
wrong with you guys?
[Disco music]
Cheerleader 1: Look how cute
he is!
Cheerleader 2: He must be a
teacher's baby.
Cheerleader 1:: He wants to
be a cheerleader, too.
Stewie: My, so it's that easy
to win you over! Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your
gully holes.
Peter: Then Chris starts in
with all this "yo, yo, yo" stuff and I don't know what he's
talkin' about. So I started beating him with a hose, then
my arm got tired, so I came here.
Brian: Peter, perhaps Chris
has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't
know enough about his own.
Peter: Aw, gee, I never thought
of that. You know, I should teach Chris about his Irish roots.
Besides, we haven't spent any time together since we played
Operation.
Chris: I'm going for the "funny
bone," Dad.
Peter: Oh, you touched the sides.
Oh, jeez, He's waking up. Let's get him back to the bus station.
Chris: Dad, I don't want to
be here. I want to be chillin' with my homeys.
Peter: Now, Chris, it's important
you learn about your Irish heritage.
Animatronic Irish woman 1: [Mechanized
nonsensical speech]
Animatronic Irish woman 2: [Mechanized
nonsensical speech]
Animatronic Irish baby: [crying]
Speaker: Ancient archeological
evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place
before the discovery of alcohol. Most experts believe it was
something like this.
[flying cars whizzing]
Irishman 1: Gentlemen, today,
we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert
our entire population to pure energy!
Irishman 2: It's a glorious
day.
Irishman 3: Hey! Michael McCloud's
just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement.
Irishman 1: Hmmm, whiskey.
[Rowdy drunken yelling]
Chris: You were right, Dad.
Being Irish rocks!
Peter: That's more like it,
son. Now, today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family
history.
Chris: What's a library, Dad?
Peter: Oh, it's just a place
where homeless people come to shave and go BM. Let's go inside.
Chris: Look, Dad! I found this
book on our genealogy!
Peter: Way to go, son! Hey,
look. Here's a picture of your great-great-granddad, Osias
Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones.
Osias Griffin: Hello?
Caller: Hello, Jonathan?
Osias Griffin: No, what number
are you calling?
Caller: Seven.
Osias Griffin: No. This is three.
Caller: Ooh, sorry.
Peter: And his great-grandpa
was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher.
Wife: Thomas, would you please
go look for a job?
Thomas Griffin: Why?
Chris: Wow, that's cool! Go
back even further, Dad.
Peter: Okay. Settle down, spaz.
In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. What
the hell? Holy crap! I'm black!
<back at Griffin house>
Peter: But I can't be black.
Lois: I gotta say, Peter, the
man in this book does look an awful lot like you.
Brian: <reading aloud>
"The diary of Nate Griffin." "May 7, 1836. I was brushing
down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near
my face. So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew
a huge fart right back at her."
Peter: [Laughs]
Brian: Ooh, that laugh's in
here, too. See? [imitates Peter's laugh]
Peter: Wow. Then it's true.
Chris: Cool! I get to be black
and Irish!
Meg: Yeah, and now I can wear
clothes that actually show off my big butt!
Lois: Oh! I gotta tell Bonnie
I'm sleeping with a black man!
Cheerleader: Oh, my God! Update!
Exclam! Scott Martin just asked me out again!
Cheerleader 2: Oh, my God! This
is date number three. Are you gonna let him get to second
base?
Stewie: I think that would be
a bad idea, and I know something about bad ideas.
<Stewie in bar with OJ Simpson>
Stewie: I'm telling you, Juice.
She's screwing around behind your back. And, if I were in
your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. Another mai tai?
Thanks. So, listen...
Cheerleader 2: Here comes Scott!
Stewie: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
All: [giggling]
Stewie: I have yet to discover
the secret of their mind-control powers. Also, trying to comprehend
their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC.
Peter: Hey, Cleveland, you got
a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Cleveland: Sure. I was just
going for a ride. Hop on.
Peter: So, I found out I have
a black ancestor.
Cleveland: Is that right? Well,
that's fantastic, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, but see, the problem
is I got no idea how to be black...except for not smiling
when I get my picture taken.
Cleveland: Well, Peter. It sounds
like you should go out and mingle amongst your newly-found
brethren. You know, absorb the culture. Wheelie time!
[Exuberant yelling]
Peter: You know, you're right,
Cleveland. I should be hanging around more black people like
myself. Thanks.
Cleveland: Hey! Peter, what
the...
Peter: It's the vibration.
Black Comedian: Who here used
to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? Yeah, that's right. Y'all know
that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. Some
brother just fell in the ocean.
Peter: God! I remember that.
And all those seals died. It was all over the news. The Channel
2 news with Dan Rather. Although, I think Connie Chung might
have been substituting for him. Well, 'bout time for me to
be hitting the ol' dusty trail. I like your hat. Can't get
out that way. [Alarm rings] Found the emergency exit.
Professor: 1967 was the same
year that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court
of the United States.
Peter: [Whooping] Well, I should
probably be saddling up now. [Alarm rings] Oh, found the fire
door.
Stewie: Look at how fat you
are. You disgust me! Oink oink, fatty! Oh, yes, yes, you'll
take butter on that English muffin, won't you? Because you're
the cheerleading squad's token blimp. You don't deserve to
eat. [Vomits]
Peter: Hey, thanks for bringing
me here, Cleveland.
Man: Welcome. For our first
order of business I believe brother Cleveland has an announcement.
Cleveland: Yesterday, I received
reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
Crowd: Amen! Right on!
Cleveland: Now, the family has
become poor white trash since then. So they only gave what
they could-this tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. I
share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your
wounds may be healed as well.
Crowd: Amen. Right on.
Man: Why is he taking one?
Cleveland: Oh, this is my friend,
Peter Griffin. He recently discovered he was black.
Man 2: He doesn't look very
black to me.
Peter: Gentlemen, please, please.
Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been
there with you. I was there when George and Weezy moved on
up to the East Side. Oh, hallelujah! Those were happy times!
But, I was also there for the bad times. When Florida lost
James to that tragic auto accident. And I was there when Tootie
got those terribly painful braces! Oh, yes! And when Arnold
Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there. So before you
decide that I don't belong here, remember this-I was there!
[Crowd cheering]
Cosby Kid: Way to go, Peter!
You tell it like it is!
Carter: Now, Chris, this one's
for you. What's the secret to happiness?
Chris: Money!
Carter: Very good. Babs, give
him a caramel.
Peter: Hey hey hey. Hey, Lois,
what are your parents doing here?
Lois: Oh, they surprised us
with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery.
Barbara: Yes. Peter, we hear
you're a Negro now.
Peter: Yep. I even got my own
posse. Hey, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades, you guys go make yourself
some sandwiches. We'll hook up later.
Carter: My jacket's in the kitchen;
please don't write on it. Well, I think Chris and Meg should
know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry, too. Kids,
did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first to colonize
America?
Peter: Now, kids, don't be taken
in by The Man. Stay black and proud.
Carter: Here's your ancestor
Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians.
Chris: Cool.
Carter: And here's a picture
of...oh, never mind that one.
Peter: Wait. What was that?
Carter: Oh, that was nothing.
Just some fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing
a few chores.
Peter: You mean a slave! Let
me see that! Oh, my God! It's Nate Griffin!
Carter: Well, 'bout time for
me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail.
Peter: Lois, your family owned
my family!
Lois: Daddy, is that true?
Carter: Well, it appears so.
Boy, this is pretty embarrassing!
Peter: Yes, it is! And don't
call me boy!
Barbara: Peter, please calm
down.
Carter: Babs, I think it's time
we went to bed. Things will look better in the morning. Come
here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight.
Peter: You can whip me all you
like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit!
[Suspenseful music]
Stewie: Damn! There must be
some clue to the source of their mental-manipulation techniques.
<reading aloud> "Your Body and You." "Every four weeks
for three to four days it's entirely normal for every young
woman to..." Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever heard in my life! Ugh!
Cindi: That totally sucked.
You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-losers!
Stewie: This Cindi is definitely
the alpha of the group.
Cindi: And what happened with
the pyramid? I almost broke my neck!
Stewie: The pyramid! Of course!
That must be the key to their power! Mission objective: Eliminate
Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. They're
getting nude. No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing
to...I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. And look at Lisa in all of
her curvaceous glory. Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been
stricken with rigor mortis.
Peter: Good morning.
Lois: Peter, what on earth are
you wearing?
Peter: It's a dashiki. And don't
call me Peter. That's my slave name. From now on, call me
Kichwa Tembo.
Chris: Cool. And I'll be Mambutu
O'Malley!
Carter: Peter...
Peter: Kichwa!
Carter: I'd like to have a word
with you. Peter, I think...
Peter: Kichwa!
Carter: Kichwa, we're both sensible
men. There must be something I can do to make things right
with you.
Peter: Actually, there is. I
want reparations just like Cleveland got.
Carter: What the hell are you
talking about?
Peter: I want an apology and
some Rice Krispie Treats.
Carter: Well, I absolutely will
not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats"
is black slang for money. So, here's $10,000. I expect you
never to mention this ugly business again.
Peter: $10,000?
Carter: Not enough? Fine. Make
it $20,000. How do you spell Kichwa?
Peter: Yeah, you know what?
Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E...
Tom Tucker: This just in. Slave-owner
descendent, Carter Pewterschmidt has paid $20,000-or 2,000,000
pennies-in reparations to a local black man. We now go live
to the local black man.
Peter: Well, the money helps
but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain. Hey, from down there
does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?
<back at Griffin house>
Peter: Hey, Lois, come in here
and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois: Oh, my God! You turned
the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter: ♪ C'mon get up! ♪
♪ Knock off your nappin' ♪ ♪ It's a crazy messed up
place where anything can happen ♪ ♪ There's a chair that
freakin' talks, hey look! ♪ ♪ There's some fish that give
advice, holy crap! ♪ ♪ It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse!
♪
Lois: Peter...
Peter: Wait. Watch this, watch
this. Hey, Jambi! Okay, say it.
Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney...
God, I hate you so much.
Lois: Peter, that reparation
money should be going to a worthy black charity.
Peter: Lois, the King of Cartoons
will be here in five minutes and I will not have you embarrass
me.
Lois: You're acting ridiculous!
Peter: Aah! You said the secret
word!
[Sirens wailing]
Peter: Uh-oh.
Cop: Hey, you're that black
guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you?
Peter: Uh, yeah, that's me.
Cop: This is Car 15; I'm gonna
need backup. I got a stolen vehicle here.
Peter: But this is my car.
Cop: Suspect's getting belligerent.
Peter: What?
Police Officer: Officer down.
Man: So, it's agreed. We'll
keep on pretending to like pig's feet simply to confound the
white man.
Peter: Sorry I'm late, you guys.
The white man was making me his bitch. What? Oh, oh, sorry,
his "biatch."
Cleveland: Peter, we know about
your selfish squandering of your reparation money. I shared
mine. You, however, have given nothing back to the community.
Peter: That's not true. I've
brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter.
[Laughing]
Cleveland: Peter, I think you
should go.
Peter: Yeah, I'm going.
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Hi, guys. Hey, how's
it going? Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like
I'm a freakin' leper. Hey, can we sit there?
Leper: No, these are saved.
Cheerleader: Where is Cindi?
Cheerleader 2: I don't know,
but she'd better show up soon. It's almost halftime.
Stewie: You know, Cindi, I'd
feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that
insufferable "i" at the end. And that cockadoodie smiley face
you use to dot it! You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Peter: [yells]
Nate Griffin: Hello, Peter.
Peter: Nate Griffin! Oh, my
God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black
man!
Nate Griffin: Peter, you gotta
stop putting so much importance on race. I know I didn't.
Peter: You didn't?
Nate Griffin: No. If I had,
would I have slept with your white great-great-great-great
granny?
Peter: No, I guess not.
Nate Griffin: That's right,
and I wouldn't have slept with her fine sister neither. You
see, the most important thing is how a man acts. You know
what I'm getting at?
Peter: You think I should do
something good with that reparation money.
Nate Griffin: That'd be mighty
fine, Peter.
Peter: I guess you're right.
Listen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry my wife's ancestors
made you suffer.
Nate Griffin: Oh, don't worry
about me. If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their
cereal every morning. Well, so long, Peter.
Peter: Wait! Before you go-what's
Heaven like?
Nate Griffin: It's fine. There's
a shortage of chairs.
Peter: Oh.
Nate Griffin: Yeah. Take it
easy, Peter.
Cheerleader: Okay, well, we're
just gonna have to go on without her.
Stewie: Give me a "D!"
All: "D!"
Stewie: All right, that's enough
of that. Now, there's a large hunting knife under each one
of your seats. On my command, I want you to.... You idiots!
I had them! Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.
Peter: Excuse me. Hi, I'm Peter
Griffin. Listen, as many of you may know, I recently came
into some money. Well, I don't really deserve it so I've decided
to share it with my brothers!
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Actually, I just meant
the black guys.
Lois: Peter, that was very generous.
Look how happy you've made everyone.
Peter: Yeah, it just goes to
show you, Lois. It doesn't matter if you're black or white.
The only color that really matters is green.
Lois: Oh, Peter.
Cheerleader: I wonder what happened
to Cindi.
Quagmire: Dear diary, Jackpot!
[Rap version of theme song]
