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Full transcript for episode FG102
"I
Never Met the Dead Man"
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Oh, look at Stewie. Isn't
he adorable playing with his Sesame Street phone?
Stewie: Put me through to the
Pentagon.
Ernie: Do you know What sound
a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie!
I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've six armed men
outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda? It's difficult
for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Indeed I can. One! Two!
Three! [Shoots ray-gun] Can I count to three? For God's sake,
I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
Theme
Song
Lois: Come on, Stewie. You can't
leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Then I shall sit here
until one of us expires. And you've got a good 40 years on
me, woman!
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli.
It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. [Makes airplane
noise]
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli!
Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight.
Okay. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I…[broccoli
shoved into mouth] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna
go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well, then. My goal
becomes clear. The broccoli must die.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Meg: Mom, will you take me out
to practice driving?
Lois: I'm teaching a piano lesson
in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.
Peter: Oh, sorry, Meg. Daddy
loves you. But Daddy also loves Star Trek. And, in all fairness,
Star Trek was here first.
Captain Kirk: Captain's log,
Stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange
new planet in the Gamma Fallopia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead
Warp 9.
Lois: For God's sake, Peter.
You've been in front of the TV since you got home from work.
Why don't you spend some time with your family?
Peter: I will, I'm just gonna
do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well then
maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.
Lois: [Sighs]
Meg: Please. My road test is
tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything.
Brian: Meg, you may want to
find a better teacher than Peter.
Peter: What are you talking
about? I'm a great driver.
Brian: Remember your trip to
the Southwest?
Road Runner: Meep-meep!
Peter: [Hits Road Runner] Aw,
jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine.
Keep going.
Peter: Meg, don't believe what
they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't
miss a thing.
Announcer: We now return to
Star Trek.
Peter: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
<in car>
Peter: All right, Meg. Now here's
your first lesson. Now, you always want to be aware of other
cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy
next to you at a red light, you gotta race him. Ah, this guy's
asking for it.
Meg: But Dad...
Peter: I don't make the rules,
honey. Now rev your engine twice.
Meg: Okay.
[Engine revving twice] [Horse sputtering
twice]
Peter: Go!
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
Amish Guy [Screaming]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Peter: Well, you forgot to flip
him off. But other than that, nice job.
Lois: You're back already? That
wasn't much of a lesson.
Peter: Well, I didn't want to
overload her on her first time out, you know? Besides CHiPs
is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world
of California Highway Patrol fantasy!
[Police siren] [CHiPs music]
Woman: What's the charge, Officer?
Erik Estrada: Driving without
my phone number.
[Gunshots firing]
Erik Estrada: Or maybe I should
arrest you for being too beautiful. [Teeth sparkling]
Stewie: So, broccoli, Mother
says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good
for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy. And I
know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need
to do is build a machine to control the global environment.
Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with a chance
of doom!
[Sinister instrumental music]
Peter: This is taking forever!
Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality
shows at 8:00: "Fast Animals, Slow Children."
[African instrumental music]
Boy: Come on, guys. Wait up.
[African music continues]
Boy: Dang. I got honey all over
my legs.
Meg: Dad, we can't leave now.
My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive,
I'll never have any boyfriends, never get married and then
I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg, are you implying
that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Meg: I'm so nervous.
Peter: Aw, you're gonna do great.
Just remember everything I taught you.
Instructor: All right, let's
start by going down Main Street.
Meg: Okay.
[Engine revving twice] [Police siren]
Instructor: What are you doing?
Meg: I'm driving. Duh.
Instructor: [Screaming]
Meg: Are you gonna mark me down
for not flipping him off?
<back in Griffin car>
Meg: Oh, God, my life is over.
I am the biggest loser I know!
Peter: I know just how you feel,
pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.
OB: It's a girl!
Peter: Can you check again?
<back in Griffin car>
Peter: Look, honey, you just
have to remember that life has its little ups and...oh, jeez!
We're gonna miss the beginning of my show. Hey, there it is.
Meg: Dad, watch out!
[Horn blaring]
Peter: Meg, honey, are you okay?
Meg: Yeah, I think so.
Peter: "The Quahog Cable Television
Transmitter." Uh-oh.
[Citizens grumbling]
Man: Hey! You just knocked out
cable TV for the whole town!
Peter: Oh Boy! Hey, look, there's
Bigfoot!
Bigfoot: Whoa, whoa, whoa. This
isn't about me. This is about you.
Peter: Oh, well, at least I
bought us some time. She did it.
Meg: What? Dad, you were the
one driving!
Peter: I was teaching her to
drive and she lost control of the car. Come on, you guys,
we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember
when I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie. <flashback
to Peter sneaking into a movie wearing a shrub costume; then
back to the regular scene> Aw, come on. Give the kid a
break, huh?
Man: Why should we?
Peter: She got her arm shot
off in Vietnam.
[Murmuring]
Man: Poor kid.
Man 2: What a senseless war.
Meg: I can't believe you just
sold out your own daughter.
Peter: Now, Meg, honey, I know
what I did was wrong, and I know it's not the first time I've
embarrassed you.
Teacher: And if you add the
measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum of...
Peter: Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning
out the shower next time you shave your legs? It's like a
carpet in there.
<back in Griffin car>
Peter: I hate to see you so
upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called Taking
the Fall for Daddy. If you win, I'll buy you a convertible
when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh, Daddy! Now
I love you again!
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make
some Jewish guy a great wife.
[Metallic clanking]
Tom Tucker: Because of an accident
at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will
be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one
can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what
we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk
and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I
just plain don't like black people.
Technician: You guys, we're
still on in Boston.
Stewie: Excellent. The weather
machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli?
Stop mocking me! What's this? It appears the witless provider
has finally brought me something of value. I can use that
crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet
be mine.
Meg: Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed
the car into the city cable transmitter.
Lois: What?
Meg: Oh, it's okay. If I take
the blame, he's going to buy me a convertible when I get my
license.
Peter: Meg, it's not exactly
taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.
Lois: Peter! You're bribing
your daughter with a car?
Peter: Come on, Lois-isn't "bribe"
just another word for "love"? Look, you wanted me and Meg
to bond. And that's what we're doing.
Chris: Dad, I was in a chat
room on America Online and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked
out the cable. We could be without TV for weeks!
Peter: Now, now, Chris, now
let's not panic. We can manage just fine without TV.
Brian: [scoffs]
Peter: What's that supposed
to mean?
Brian: Face it, Peter, you're
addicted to television. You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey.
Remember when you gave up candy?
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one
more time. You didn't eat anything in my factory?
Peter: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter: Are you calling me a
liar?
Willy Wonka: I'm just saying...
Peter: Hey, shut up, Wonka.
Peter: Yeah, well, that was
different. I'll be fine.
Lois: Are you sure, honey?
Peter: Oh, for God's sake, you
guys. You think I'm some simp who can't live without TV? C'mon,
give me a break.
<Peter on phone>
Peter: All right, Mike, what's
happening now?
Mike: Well, Sipowicz is trying
to find out who stabbed the super.
Detective Sipowicz: Are you
gonna tell me what I want to know, or am I gonna have to show
you my ass?
Criminal: I ain't saying nothing!
All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
Peter: Aw, forget it, Mike.
Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio.
Teacher: Well, class, we were
scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of
the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately,
Megan Griffin ruined TV. So, instead, we're having a surprise
test.
Meg: [Wonder Years Voice] Whoa!
Suddenly I was public enemy number one. It was time to tell
the truth. [aloud] Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite
dish!
Teacher: Oh. And who did?
Meg: [Wonder Years Voice] I
was just a 15-year-old girl. But at that moment, I realized
I had a whole lifetime to make new friends. But only one chance
to get a new car. And I had to take it. [aloud] Okay, I did
it.
Peter: Jeez, Brian, I don't
know how much longer I can last. It's been a whole week since
I seen a TV show. I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up
to right now.
Narrator: We now return to The
Scooby Doo Murder Files.
Fred: Gee whiz, gang. Looks
like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his
own intestines and then dumped the body in the river!
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby Doo: [Moaning]
Fred: You're right, Scoob. We're
dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
Brian: Well, you just need to
find something to fill the void it's left in your life. Lois
has her knitting, Chris has his video games, Meg's learning
how to drive. And me, I like the sauce. Hey, barkeep, whose
leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Peter: [Moaning] Can't live
without TV. Must see TV.
[music from the tornado sequence in
"The Wizard of Oz"]
Peter: [Sighs]
Lois: Stewie, I expect you to
finish off your vegetables.
Stewie: Oh, rest assured, you
relentless harridan, I expect I shall finish them all off!
And you as well!
Lois: Brian, I'm a little worried
about Peter. Last night I woke up and he was channel surfing
through static.
Brian: Oh, I'm sure he'll find
a way to cope.
Peter: Morning, Lois.
Brian: And you were worried.
Lois: Peter, what the hell is
that?
Peter: It's my favorite TV family,
the Griffins.
Lois: Peter, you're scaring
me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.
Peter: Boring. I'm gonna go
see what else is on.
Lois: Peter! Keep an eye on
Stewie.
Brian: Don't move!
Stewie: [Making ridiculous noises]
[Screams] A little help?
Peter: Hey! It's Glen Quagmire,
the wacky next-door neighbor. What's he up to this time?
Quagmire: I'm going to work!
Peter: Him and his crazy get-rich-quick
schemes.
Lois: We have to find your father,
Chris. He's not well.
Chris: I never knew anyone who
went crazy before. Except my invisible friend Col. Schwartz!
Peter: I get all the channels
on this thing. Lifetime. CBS. Hey, UPN. All right, 90210.
Meg: Dad?
Peter: Meg, what are you doing
at West Beverly? Oh, boy, they're really reaching for guest
stars in the 10th season.
Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
Get out of here! I'm already a total outcast because of you!
Peter: Now, honey, you're just
upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter.
Meg: I did not! Forget it. What
good is a car if I have no friends? I didn't wreck TV! My
dad did!
Principal: What?
Teacher: What'd she say?
Groundskeeper: Peter Griffin
ruined television?
Hard-hat: And blamed his daughter?
Parachutist: Well, that's the
lowest thing I've ever heard.
Lois: Peter, take that thing
off and come home.
Peter: Hey, Lois. You're just
in time for the exciting conclusion. Looks like some boob's
about to get lynched. Let's watch.
Crowd: There they are.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Hard-hat: Hey, that's the guy
who ruined our cable. Let's get him!
Lois: Stop! Stop! What is wrong
with you people? Okay, yes. My husband is responsible for
knocking out TV. But we should be thanking him. He's broken
television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world
for what it is-a beautiful place full of wonderful things
just waiting to be experienced.
Peter: Aw, Jeez, another chick
flick.
Principal: She's right. All
the hours we've wasted on that damn idiot box. I'm gonna paint
my house!
Parachutist: I'm gonna build
a ship in a bottle.
Old Man: I'm gonna push a hoop
with a stick down a dirt road.
Lois: I'll take you home, honey.
Peter: I can't believe I let
Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. TV is evil. You
know, I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long.
Charles Manson: If I haven't
seen it, it's new to me.
Lois: You just went a little
overboard. You need a little balance in your life. There are
other things to appreciate besides television.
Peter: You mean like this lamp?
Lois: Yeah. Okay. The lamp gives
us light.
Peter: I get it.
Lois: And your family gives
you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter.
And with me.
Peter: What could me and you
do together?
Lois: [Naughty laugh]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick
mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about
making love.
Peter: Oh. Oh, I thought you
wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs
for beer money.
Lois: [Amorous giggling]
Peter: What a gorgeous day.
Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?
Sun: It's always a nice day
with two scoops of raisins, Peter.
[Car alarm blaring]
Peter: Top of the morning, everybody.
Stewie: Excellent! Thus completes
the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device! Victory
is...release me at once!
Peter: Guys, your mother was
right. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the
TV to start working.
Meg: Great. So you can teach
me how to drive.
Peter: Meg, there'll be plenty
of time to drive when you're dead. There's a big world out
there just waiting for us to grab it by the short hairs!
Stewie: Damn!
Peter: Let's go.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter: I'm so tired. This morning's
fly-fishing really wore me out.
Chris: Well, wake up! You promised
you'd get this hook out of my mouth. [Screams] Thank you.
Lois: Now, kids, your father's
just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm
not sure which.
Tom Tucker: Those Chinese sure
do like to spit, don't they? Well, Diane, that last report
was so good, I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom, I don't
think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom Tucker: Diane, that frigid
old cow lives in Quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying.
Technician: Actually, we're
back on the air in Quahog.
Stewie: Thank God! Their puerile
minds are once again distracted by that flickering box. Time
to be bad!
Peter: Come on, everyone. We're
late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans.
You don't join their party, they'll come get you.
Meg: But Dad, the TV's back
on.
Peter: Huh, what do you know?
Okay, let's go.
Lois: Peter, I'm thrilled that
you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're
exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?
Peter: We're too busy living
life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.
Lois: I'm sick of life.
Brian: Yeah. My dogs are barking.
Peter: But I thought we were
having fun.
Meg: We were. But now it might
be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You
know, whatever's on.
Lois: Look, Peter. It's your
favorite show.
Captain Kirk: All right, men.
This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will
be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock,
Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Ah, crap.
Peter: Sorry, Lois. There's
only one show I want to see. It's a little something I like
to call "Make Every Day Count," starring Peter Griffin as
himself.
Lois: Oh, come on, Peter. Don't
you miss TV just a little? The familiar stories, the broadly
drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character
around at exactly the right moment?
William Shatner: Hi. I'm William
Shatner. My car broke down while I was on my wayto give a
speech on how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like
to hear it?
Peter: No, no, no, I don't want
to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.
William Shatner: Wait a minute!
I love schnitzel!
Peter: Oh, well, come along.
I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen.
William Shatner: I'll change
in the car.
Meg: If I had a nickel for every
time one of my parents walked out on meinstead of teaching
me how to drive, I'd be one rich little...
Lois: Let's go, Meg.
[Sinister instrumental music]
Stewie: Fare thee well, broccoli!
[Band playing German folk music]
William Shatner: I don't know.
I can't imagine choosing life over television.
Peter: I'm telling you, it's
great, Bill. The only thing that would make this perfect day
better is if my family was here.
William Shatner: My God! It
was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!
Peter: Hey, let's take off our
shoes and run home barefoot!
William Shatner: Griffin, you're
a madman! Barefoot, you say?
Lois: This is not safe. I'll
teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.
Meg: Mom, I can't even tell
where "over" is.
William Shatner: [Giddy laughter]
You were right, Peter. I've never felt so alive.
Stewie: Victory is mine! [screams]
God damn it.
William Shatner: [Giddy laughter]
My God.
[Car colliding]
Meg: Oh, my God. I hit William
Shatner.
William Shatner: Light growing
dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.
Ensign Ricky: I did not see
that coming.
Meg: Daddy, I'm sorry I ran
you over and killed Mr. Shatner.
Peter: Ah, don't worry, honey.
Soon as I get out of this body cast, I'm gonna do enough living
for me and Bill.
Lois: Honey, can't we go back
to the way things used to be? There's a big dent in that couch
that nobody else can fill.
Peter: Haven't you guys learned
anything? TV took over my life once. I'm never gonna let that
happen again.
Lois: Oh, my God. We've lost
him.
Peter: Hey, if you help me out
of here, I know an enchanted meadow where the blueberries
are just begging to be picked.
Nurse: Look, buddy. Just go
in the pan, and don't call me unless you're flatlining.
Peter: Hey. Hey, turn that TV
off. Nurse? Nurse?
Announcer: What would you do
for a Klondike Bar? Would you stand on one leg?
Man: Sure.
Announcer: Would you act like
a monkey?
Man: Uh-huh. [makes monkey noises]
Announcer: Would you-would you
kill a man?
Man: Uh. Uh, well...
[Gunshot]
Meg: Daddy, now that I've finally
passed my driver's test, can I still get a convertible?
Peter: No. But I'm proud of
you for getting your license, sweetheart.
Lois: And I'm proud of you,
Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what
you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you
do it with And your family...
Peter: Shhh...It's on.
Lois: I know you don't like
broccoli, Stewie, but you'll thank me when you grow up big
and strong like your
father.
Stewie: A compelling argument.
You've swayed me, woman. Mmmm. Oooh, that is good. I feel
stronger already. It's good tasting and good for you.
Stewie: Nice try.
Brian: Quadruped.
Stewie: Mutant.
[closing theme music]
