(Scene: Exterior Shot of The Griffins
house. Peter, Brian, Meg, and Chris are watching T.V).
Unseen Announcer: We know
return to Little House On the Prarie. (Exterior shot of
Prarie house shown as we move inside to see a mother reading
to two kids in the background and a girl reading Brail with
a guy over her shoulder).
Guy: Oh, that's wonderful
Mary, you're doing great with your braille.
Mary: (Putting book down on
the table) I couldn't have done it without you Paul.
Paul: (Gets out of chair)
Why don't you go to bed and get some sleep, honey. (Paul
walks ahead of her as Mary takes book and exits right. Paul
mentions for the others to shush as he walks past Mary and
uses his foot to move a wooden stool into her way of walking.
She falls and trips over it).
Paul: Honey, (Helps her up)
you remember where the stool was. (he walks ahead of her
as she continues walking in a diffrent direction. The two
kids and mother are holding in laughter. Paul picks up a
broom with a pan on the end attached to it and holds it
in front of Mary. She walks into it and hurts her head).
Oh Mary, Mary, you're in the kitchen sweetheart, you're
all disoriented. Let me help you. (Spins her around as the
mother and kids smile) The ladder's right here. (Mother
and kids hold in laughter again).
Mary: (Heading up ladder)
Thanks Paul. (He kisses her as she walks up the ladder,
which he moves over to the window at the top of the barn.
She falls out the window and crashes into something outside.
The others are laughing at her. Cut back to Peter and family).
Peter: (Fairly serious) Geez,
life was a lot tougher back then.
Theme
Song
(Same shot of Peter, Brian, Meg and
Chris on the couch as Lois enters carrying in Stewie).
Lois: Listen up everybody.
It's time for spring cleaning.
Peter, Brian, Meg and Chris:
(At the same time) Spring Cleaning!? Oh not again! (Notices
they're all talking in unison) That was weird. Boy, that
was weird too.
Lois: If we all pitch in we'll
be done in no time.
Peter: Lois, you known I swore
I'd never clean again. Not after Boundy dropped me as their
spokesman (Flashback to Peter in a yellow painted kitchen,
dropping liquid on a table counter while a woman holds up
the Bounty product). Wait a second, Rosie, I've just pourn
this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're
telling me that Bounty can pick it up in 5 seconds?
Rosie: (Notices liquid) What
is this?
Peter: (Looks at watch) Four
seconds.
Rosie: Is that-
Peter: Three seconds.
Rosie: It smells like-
Peter: (Points to liquid)
Clean my pee! (Flash back to the Griffin's house. Meg sits
up on the floor).
Meg: Mom, I can't clean, I've
got stuff to do.
Lois: Sweetheart, we know
you don't have any stuff to do. (Moves on hand palm side
up in the air) Now I don't want to hear any more excuses
from anyone.
Peter, Brian, Meg, Chris:
(In unison again) Ah crap. (Notices they're in unsion again)
We did it again! (Wait a few seconds and look at each other)
Ruth Bader-Ginsberg! (Eyes squinch up) Ooooohhhh!
(Exterior shot of the Griffins house,
then a shot of Meg and Lois cleaning in the basement by
dusting off boxes (Meg) and a shelf of various equipment
(Lois). Lois moves over to a chest near the shelf and opens
it).
Lois: Ahh, look Meg, it's
your little baby booties (pulls them out of chest), oh and
your little bronze hat (pulls that out of chest as well)
and your tail (pulls tail out. Meg's eyes go wide).
Meg: My What!? (Turns around
to Lois)
Lois: Nothing. (Puts tail
back in chest and shuts it. Shot of Peter, Chris and Cleavland
near a fire hydrant. Chris is holding a wrench and standing
next to Cleveland and Peter is holding a piece of paper
out).
Peter: Okay, Lois's list says
clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding
(Moves hands to waist) Now for most folks (moves his right
hand up) that's three chores (points at guys) but to Peter
Griffin and his big hose it's one. (attaches a hose that
was previously off camera to the hydrant)
Cleveland: Oh, you're not
working hard Peter. (Peter moves with the hose right in
front of the hydrant preparing to turn it on) You're working
(?) smart. (Moves to the street pavement right before the
sidewalk in front of his house and calls back).
Peter: Hey Chris, give me
the juice. (Chris uses wrench to turn screw on hydrant around.
A gush of water comes out of the hose which Peter moves
to the top window of his house. The water breaks the window
and Peter moves the hose right knocking some of the covering
on his house. Shot of Brian using a vaccum to clean another
room. He moves on top of a table, which is immediatly blasted
by the gush of water. Brian is knocked off camera. You can
now see Peter still spraying the water with his hose outside
as Chris turns the water off by turning the wrench the other
way. The water steadily dies down and Peter starts smiling).
Lois: (From inside the house
calling out a broken window) Peter there's water and glass
and it's a diaster in here.
Peter: (Still holding hose)
Well Lois, why don't you put down your ginger ale and redbook
and get to work? (Looks at her sternly) La-zy. (Walks off
screen to the left).
Lois: You're not helping.
Look, don't come near the house. Go do something else (Walks
out off camera. Shot of Joe and his son Kevin near their
truck. Joe moves his finger to a bag on the driveway).
Joe: Son, this duffel bag
is only half zipped. (Kevin moves to zip it as Peter, Cleveland
and Chris walk on screen).
Peter: Hey Joe, where you
going?
Joe: I'm going camping for
the weekend (points to Kevin still zipping up bag) with
Johnny Cut corners . (Stops pointing) You guys wanna come
along?
Cleveland: Hmm, it would be
nice to get out of the house. This is the time of the month
when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo. Loretta likes to
personify her mencies in humorous ways. (Shot of Quagmire
outside of his house looking at his mail near the mailbox).
Joe: (Calling out to him)
Hey Quagmire, you up for some camping? (Quagmire's head
turns to them and he smiles). Quagmire: Heh, sorry
bud. (moves right hand with the mail in it to his side and
the other one on his chest) The only tent I'm pitchin' this
weekend is... (smile dissapears and he looks uneasy) Well,
you see where I'm going with this. (Moves his arms in a
fluid downward motion) Oh!
Chris: (Looking at Peter)
I want to go to Dad. (Looks kind of scared) It will get
me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. (Cleveland
and Peter start laughing at him).
Peter: (still laughing) Monkey
in the closet… (goes back to laughing with Cleveland as
Chris looks worried. Pan to outside his room where a scary
looking monkey comes near the window and points at him menacingly
and jumps off the window pedestal. Chris looks down depressed.
Peter is talking to Joe and Cleveland)
Peter: Oh, this is going to
be great. Last time I did any male bonding is when me and
Cleveland (points to him) went to China Town. (Flashback
to Chinatown where a store sign says Chinese Finger Cuffs
and then pans down to Peter and Cleveland stuck by finger
cuffs by their... penises. The store manager looks at them).
Peter: Look (looks at him)
forget how it happened, can you just get us out of this?
(Shot of inside house where various
papers and books are all torn apart in the kitchen. Stewie
is seen drinking some tea with Rupert in the background
along with some cookies, which he puts into some paste and
then eats them).
Stewie: I say, Rupert, (looks
at him) this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth
the bowel obstruction. (Licks finger and puts down paste
bottle. Brian enters the room through a door on the left
and looks angrily around the room and then at Stewie).
Brian: (Questionly) Are those
my books? What the Hell are you doing?
Stewie: Paper machÃe. (tears
out one of the papers) I use them to make the houseboat
from Surfside 6. (pan to a repiclia of said house boat)
You remember: (starts to sing and move his hands back and
forth) Surfside 6! (high pitched voice with finger to his
mouth) Who lives there? (regular voice and hands moving
again) Surfside 6! (High pitched voice and finger to mouth
again) Young bachelors? (Normal voice and hands moving back
and forth again) In Miami Beach! (Spreads his hands and
arms open horizontally and tilts head upward. Brian points
at him).
Brian: (Angry) Those are my
first editions (Lois enters the room) You little punk! (Brian
moves to him and Stewie moves toward Lois who picks him
up).
Stewie: Momma, doggie's scary!
Lois: Brian, have you lost
you're mind? He's just a baby. (pats Stewie and turns right)
He doesn't know what he's doing (walks off with Stewie who
looks at Brian).
Brian: This isn't over.
Stewie: (Smug) Oh, if you're
looking for your doschodoectie I used it used it to make
the Fort from F troop. (Lois contiunes to walk into living
room with Stewie and looks at him)
Lois: Look what I found, Stewie.
(holds up letter) An appoinment card. (puts him down on
sofa) You've got a checkup. (Stewie holds the card and looks
at it)
Stewie: Oh, marvelous. A quick
weighing (points out) a stick in your tounge and a nice
lollypop to cap it all off. (folds letter a bit and looks
at Lois) Oh, and remind me to ask the doctor when my other
testicle is going to descend. (Shot of the woods as we pan
to Peter Joe and Cleveland. Joe and Cleveland are pitching
a tent to the ground and Peter's drinking a beer and sitting
on a tree stump. Cleveland Junior comes in with a stick).
Cleveland Junior: Bang! (Points
at Peter) I'm Daniel Boon! I'm a man (Jumps up and down)
I'm a big man! (Points stick in other direction) Bang Bang!
(Breaks stick in two and looks at it. Drops one half of
the stick in his right and and twirls the stick in his left
hand). Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special
with Daniel Willams. (Laughs and runs around in a circle
once and then offscreen)
Peter: (Breaths in air and
exhales) Ah, so beautiful. It's almost as if this world
was created espically for me. (Pan to a T.V monitor with
him on it with two monitors to the side and the sign A-10112
on top. A hand is touching the monitor with Peter on it
as it slowly moves off, and shows two guys, one with a beard
and one with a hat. Both of them have microphone head speakers
on).
Beard Guy: You think he's
on to us Christov?
Christov: (Now shown with
the moon behind them) No, he's an idiot. (Shot of Kevin
walking back to camp holding a shovel).
Kevin: Dad, I dug the latrine
50 feet out.
Joe: (Not impressed) Oh, that's
great Kevin, you want a cookie every time you do something
right? Get some firewood.
Kevin: (makes army salute
to Joe) Yes sir! (Walks off camera. Joe turns to Peter smiling).
Joe: He's gonna grow up to
be quite a man. (Flashforward to Kevin grown up with some
attractive blonde woman in bed with him. Women is looking
quite pleased while Kevin is looking fairly bored).
Women: (Looks up at him) Mmmm,
that was incredible Kevin.
Kevin: (Looks at her) I'm
not here to impress you. (Women starts to look sad as we
pan over to Joe looking at them) Am I dad?
Joe: Did I say you could rest
yet!? (Flash back to present as Peter and Joe look slightly
up smiling. Cleveland Junior runs up with some firewood
in both hands).
Cleveland Junior: I'm Abe
Lincoln. I just chopped some wood. (laughs and wood falls
to the floor).
Joe: (Sternly looks at him)
Good for you son. (Cleveland Junior walks off camera and
Joe looks at Peter) Hey, where's Chris? I asked him to fill
the canteens an hour ago.
Chris: (Off camera) Hey dad,
look. (Peter and Chris turn to see Chris moving on camera,
shirtless and lying on his back) I covered my back with
honey and now the ants are taking me home. (laughs as ants
drag him off camera).
Peter: (Laughs as well and
points at Chris) He does the same thing at home with Velveeta
and cockroaches. If you turn the light on really fast (Peter
raises left hand and moves it over quickly) they slam him
right into the fridge. (Shot of outside Dr's Office. The
name on the door says Elmer Hartman on it. We see Lois putting
down Stewie on one of the waiting room seats, and then sitting
down herself. Stewie eyes a magazine to the right of him
and picks it up).
Stewie: Oh great, Miera Bella.
(Pauses and looks at it again) December's Miera Bella. (Tosses
the magazine back on the table it was on. Looks at another
baby and parent to the left of the magazine. The baby is
naked). What's you're story? Get lost on the way to the
mourge? Heh, no seriously is that yours? If it is, then
bravo. (Shot of Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Cleveland junior.
Peter is holding a tackle box while Cleveland Junior is
looking at his dad and Joe is holding a fishing pole).
Cleveland: You remember that
short lived sitcom, Fish? (Joe puts away the fishing pole
in his backpack) They should have put that on before Chips.
(The four move out of camera and walk to the river where
Chris is sitting on a log with a pencil and paper in his
hand) The marketing pratically writes itself.
Joe: (Looking at Chris) Let's
go Chris. You're dinner isn't going to catch itself.
Chris: I don't wanna go (continues
drawing) I had a bad experience with a fish once .(Flashback
to Chris's room. Just as he enters it he looks to his fish
bowl and see's his fish is gone. He looks under the fishfood
and see's a watertrail, that goes all the way to the window,
which is partily broken) Oh my god, my fish is gone! (Looks
to his piggybank and see's nothing there as well) And he
robbed me! (Flashforward to the present)
Peter: Okay, see you Chris.
Joe: Peter, this is none of
my business, but you're turning you're boy into a slacker.
Peter: How dare you call my
parenting into questioning! If you were a woman I'd slug
you.
Joe: I'm just saying you should
teach him some responsibility.
Peter: Alright. (Looks over
at Chris) Hey Chris, you are responsible (walks over to
him) for guarding the camp while were fishing.
Chris: Got it dad. You can
count on me to- (falls asleep in mid sentence).
Peter: (Looks at others and
then taps Chris to wake him up) Chris, pay attention. I
want you to (also falls asleep mid sentence, and so does
Chris again. Shot of Doctor Hunter's office where Stewie
has stripped naked and Dr. Hunter is examining Stewie with
his stethoscope).
Dr. Hunter: Alright, take
a deep breath Stewie. (Moves strethroscope to Stewie's stomach.
Stewie laughs and pushes it away).
Stewie: Cold! Cold! (Stops
laughing) Okay, okay, I'm fine, I'm fine. (Dr Hunter puts
strethropscope back on Stewie's stomach. Stewie breaths
through his nose once and looks at the doctor) Ah! Tell
me Dr Hartman do all the children fall in love with you?
(Dr. Hunter looks at him and Stewie starts laughing again)
That's cold, that's cold. (Dr. Hunter picks him up and puts
him on the scale).
Dr.Hunter: Hmmm, 29 pounds.
(takes out pen and writes something down) That's big for
your age.
Stewie: (Looks at him sternly)
Well, forgive me for not being one of those aneroxic babies
from the diaper commericals. (Dr Hunter picks him up and
puts him back on the table as the nurse comes in carting
a metal rolling table with a package of wooden tounge depressors
on it).
Dr Hunter: Alright little
guy, time for you're immunizations.
Nurse: (Talking to Lois) You
might want to hold him.
Stewie: (Looks at Lois) Hold
me for what? (Looks shocked as the nurse hands the Doctor
a needle. Lois comes over and touches his arms) What the
deuce?
Lois: (Looks at him) Oh, I'm
sorry sweetie. (Stewie struggles out of her grip and runs
on the table the nurse brought in, takes one of the tounge
depressors and holds her by the neck with the tounger depressor
in a sliting throat position).
Stewie: Back off! Don't come
any closer or I'll cut her! (Looks at the tounge depressor
he's holding) I'll... I'll... give her a series of splinters...
that could um... you know... become infected! (Lois walks
up holding a blue kitty puppet in her left hand).
Lois: Look Stewie, look at
the dancing kitty. (Continue to walk towards Stewie).
Stewie: Oh ho ho, no I'll
not be taken in by one of your (Lois stops walking. Stewie's
attitude changes and he becomes content with the kitty)
Oh my, that's delighful, isn't it, what's your name, (Dr.
Hunter sneaks up behind Stewie with the needle) you little-
(sticks him with it) Ahh! Ahh God! (Shot of the sun in the
sky setting as we pan down to see Peter, Joe, and Kevin.
Peter is drinking in one boat and Joe and Kevin are in another).
Peter: (Looking outward) They
call this the magic hour. The day's not quite gone, but
the night's not quite here, and somewhere Scott Baio is
plowing a woman he dosen't love. (Kevin's line begins to
snag and he pulls on it).
Kevin: I got one, dad! (Pulls
line up fully and we see the fish has escaped).
Peter: (Chuckles a bit) Heh
heh, looks like that's the one that got away.
Joe: (Pulls out a gun) The
hell it is. (Holds gun out and looks at Kevin). You get
in there (hands gun to Kevin) and kick that fish's ass!
(Kevin get's up and jumps out of the boat. Joe crosses his
arm and looks down at the water. Then aside he says) God,
I love him. (Shot of Cleveland Junior running by, along
with Joe being wheeled by Kevin and Cleveland and Peter).
Cleveland: I can't believe
how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah all we got was
this tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches (holds
up book).
Joe: Well, thank God we came
prepared. We brought enough food to last us- (The guys reach
camp and are shocked to see it a total mess with the food
being taken out of the cooler. Chris is standing next to
the turned down cooler on the right and Cleveland Junior
on the left).
Peter: Holy crap! (Raises
arms slightly up) Chris what the hell!? I put you in charge
of the food.
Chris: (Runs over to Peter
with sketchbook) The raccoons were here (opens up book and
we see a drawing of the food) see? (In flipbook fashion,
Chris turns the pages as drawn raccoons appear in the book)
Oh, we're a bunch of sneaky little animals. (drawn raccons
knock over food) We're going to wreck this food and eat
it (do so) because we're naughty (raccoons surround the
tent. Chris comes out) And then there's a guy. Let's get
him in trouble with his dad. (Chris laughs as drawn Chris
says look at the raccoons)
Joe: Somehow I'm less then
surprised.
Chris: (Looks down at ground)
I'm sorry dad. I messed up the entire trip.
Peter: Ah it's not you're
fault Chris. I failed you as a father. From now on Joe will
be you're father. (Joe shakes his head no) Cleveland? (Cleveland
also shakes his head no. We pan to a elk on the right).
Elk: I'll teach the boy. Come
my son, I'll show you the ways of the herd- (sound of gunfire
heard as a hunter shoots the elk and him and his two buddies
carry him offscreen)
Peter: (Looks at dead elk,
then looks at ground) Ah crap.
(Scene: At the Griffin's house at
night, Peter and Lois's bed. We see some form in the bed
as Lois enters in her nightgown and robe)
Lois: Peter, why are you sitting
with the sheets over you're head?(pulls off sheets to reveal
a collection of skeleton heads. Lois screams and Peter enters
from the left) Peter, what's wrong?
Peter: (Looks at her) Is it
that obvious?
Lois: (Takes one of the skulls
and puts it in the closest) Well you always do the skull
gag when you're depressed. (picks up another one and holds
it) Talk to me.
Peter: Well, it's just I'm
trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know. First I
tried teaching him how to eat an oreo. (Holds his hand out.
We flashback to Chris and Peter in the kitchen with a plate
full of oreos between them).
Peter: (picks up an oreo)
The way to eat an oreo is to twist it (twists the oreo)
pull it apart (does so) and lick it (licks the left half
of the oreo once). Now you. (Chris picks up the oreo and
smacks it against his head, falling unconcious. Flash to
the present again where Peter is sitting on the bed) Then
I'd try teaching him how to get out of paying a check.
(Flashback to Peter and Chris at
a resturant. Peter is drinking soup with a spoon and brings
it up to his lips and drinks, then looks back and forth
and pulls out a naked dead person from underneath the table
and puts his head into the soup. He points to the waiter)
Uh, waiter? (He motions for the waiter to come over, which
he does) There's a dead guy in my soup.
Waiter: Oh, I'm terrribly
sorry sir. Of course you're soup is grathus. (Waiter walks
out off camera. Pan over to Chris on the other side). Peter
looks at him).
Peter: Now your turn. (Chris
takes a seemingly naked dead guy from under the table and
places his face on the soup. Chris points to the waiter).
Chris: Waiter, there's a dead
guy in my-(the seemingly dead guy moves his face out the
soup and is looking around afraid. He starts screaming.
Chris takes the wine bottle and keeps bopping the guy over
the head with it. Peter looks shocked and crawls off camera
to the right. Flash back to the present where Peter is standing
up and Lois is siting on the bed)
Lois: Peter, you can't force
feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. (Gets up
and takes off her night robe) Why don't you get her a job
or something?
Peter: Woah! (Lois throws
the robe to the bed) Freeze Frame! (Lois is frozen in her
position and Peter shrugs his shoulders slightly) That's
it! (Walks to where the camera would be if this were live
action) I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him
a job. (Points to Lois) Isn't she great? (Walks back to
her) Now you see why I married her. (Faces back towards
the camera and makes the leave motion with his right hand).
Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her. (Exterior shot of
Griffin's house at morning time. Brian is sitting on the
couch and Lois enter's the shot from the right carrying
three books).
Lois: I'm sorry Stewie ruined
your books. Here, (puts the books down and sits on armrest)
I brought you some of Peter's. (Brian takes the first book
and looks at the title). Brian: (Reading) Mr. T by
Mr. T (puts that book to the left and picks up next book
and reads title). T and Me by George Prepard. (Puts that
book to pile on the left and picks up the last book and
reads the title). For The Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Bing
Rayems. (Clenches fist and shudders. Stewie is now seen
in front of the couch looking wobbly and tired).
Lois: (Get's up) Oh Stewie
are you ok? (Walks over to him).
Stewie: Must we make small
talk everytime we pass? (Lois feels his forehead)
Lois: Ooh, you're burning
up. Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll get you some baby
asprin (walks off camera).
Stewie: (Get's up and looks
in the direction she was walking in). What the devil are
you talking about? You said the shots were suppose to make
me healthly. (Brian looks over, smiles, and begins to laugh).
Brian: (Points to him) You
actually believe Lois had them inject you with something
to make you healthy? I, I mean you were already healthy
right?
Stewie: Oh god, you're right!
I was as pink as a pistol! (Brings hands toward mouth and
realizes what he just said) Pink as a pistol? (Moves hands
down) Good Lord, I can't even form a cojent (?) (moves hands
to face) simile anymore! (Turns to Brian) What was in those
needles?
Brian: I've already said too
much. (Jumps off couch and walks over to Stewie, then past
him off camera as we pan to Stewie)
Stewie: I should have known.
Her treachery knows no limits (takes a step forward) I...
I …(begns to stumble while he's walking) Getting dizzy…
(stumbles a bit more, brings his head up) Fight it, Stewie…
(brings it down. He brings his hand up shaking). You'll
not go gentle in that good night… (tilts head forward
again and raises hand up) to quote Bob Dylan. (falls down
backwards and we pause here. He quickly sits up for a second).
No, no Dylan Thomas. (and falls back down. Shot of Quahog
golf club driving range as we move to the hitting area and
Peter, Joe, Kevin and Cleveland enter).
Peter: Boys, I'm a miracle
worker. I have used all my parenting skills to change my
son from a lazy slacker (points to him on the field picking
up balls) to a working man. (Chris gets hit quickly by a
lot of balls).
Joe: Nice going, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, up yours Joe.
Joe: What?
Peter: Thanks. (Waves to Chris)
Hey Chris!
Chris: (Waves back) Hey dad!
I'm working, I'm workin- (gets hit by golfball right in
the chin) ow! (Holds his chin)
Peter: (holds left hand cupped
to face) Careful Chris, you don't get Dental for 60 days.
( A short man with acne comes on screen).
Short Man: (Points to Peter)
You that Griffin's boy's father? (uses hand to point to
himself) I'm Patty Tanager, the Caddy Manager. Yeah, it
rhymes, big woop, wanna fight about it? Listen (extends
arms a bit) you're son is the best ball shaggle we ever
had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody
wants to hit the fat kid. (Pan over to a business guy in
a red coat talking to someone on his cell phone).
Business Guy: Lyn, cancel
my afternoon meetings. I-I gotta hit more balls at this
fat kid. (Pan over to the guys as Joe looks to Peter).
Joe: Peter, you mind if Kevin
and I uh-
Peter: Nailed Chris? He'd
be thrilled. (Pan over to Cleveland Junior, who is on one
of the shooting areas and hits a golf ball pretty far.)
'Tanager: Hey, (points to Junior)
this kid here just knocked the ball 300 yards! (people are
crowding around Junior as he hits another one far. The people
applaud and he jumps up and down)
Cleveland Junior: I'm Tiger
Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Whee! (Hits another ball pretty
far. Pan back to Peter and Tanager).
Peter: Geez Cleveland, your
kid's a natural. With a little help he could be a pro.
Cleveland: Oh Peter, I can't
make Cleveland Junior sit still for anything. Sometimes
(pulls his hands out) I wonder if he's got the ephiylepsly.
But then I go and see what's on the T.V.
Peter: Well, maybe you're
not a good a father as me, heh? I mean, (points backwards)
look at what I did with Chris. I'm even better then that
dad on Lost in Space. (Flashback to Lost in Space set. Dad,
kid robot, couple and girl and mother figure are seen in
a rocky alien terrain).
LOS Dad: We need to gather
more information (walks away a bit and stops and but his
hands on his hips) on this new planet. (Walks over to couple)
Don, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the
chariot for the rest of the day. (walks over to the two
other females) Penny, you stay here with me. (Walks over
to boy and robot). And Will, you and the robot go out into
the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing (pan out
to reveal older man standing next to robot) boy hungry pedophile
with you. (Flash back to present).
Cleveland: Cleveland Junior
is beyond your skills. He won't respond to you.
Peter: Oh yeah? (motions to
Cleveland Junior) Hey, hey, come here Cleveland Junior,
hey, come to Peter. Cleveland: (also motions to Junior)
Over here Cleveland Junior. (at the same time) come on come
over here come to papa! (Junior walks over to Peter)
Peter: Huh huh? Come on you'll
see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever.
Cleveland: Fine. (Walks off
screen)
Tanager: How'd you get him
to come to you?
Peter: (Holds up bottle) With
this.
Tanager. Oh. (Him and peter look
half eyed away, voice with emotion)
Peter: Love.
Tanager: Jealousy.
Peter: Touch.
Tanager: Forever.
Peter: Intense.
Tanager: Passion.
Both: (Whispering it) Obessison.
Calven Klien. (Exterior shot of Griffin's house. We have
a shot of Stewie in his bed, Lois looking worried standing
next to him, and Brian reading a book on a chair on the
left of Stewie's crib).
Lois: (Hands him cup of water)
Drink this honey, it will bring your fever down. (He drinks
a bit of it). I'm going to run you a cool bath. (walks off
screen. Stewie waits until she's out of his line of vision
and spits out the water).
Stewie: She's one of them,
I'm sure of it. (Turns to Brian) Now tell me what they injected
me with. (Brian is still reading book without looking up).
Brian: Huh, did you know Mr
T. always wanted to be a broadway dancer?
Stewie: (curls fist up and
puts them in the air) Answer me damn it! (Looks at him again)
What have they done to me? (Brian looks away from the book
and at Stewie).
Brian: Look (Get's off chair
and holds book to the side) it could be any number of things.
Gene manipulation, sterizillation. (Stewie is shocked)
Stewie: Not my seed!
Brian: (Looks at him closely)
But from the look on you're pupils, I'd say it's some kind
of mind control syrum. (pauses for a second then walks away
smiling). Or not. (Stewie goes to the mirror in his crib
and looks at himself).
Stewie: Mind Control? (Looks
away) But I feel so lucive. (Mirror Stewie looks at him).
Mirror Stewie: Yes, you look
spot on to me.
Stewie: Oh, why thank you.
I try to work out.
Mirror Stewie: Oh, but who
has the time (makes his hand a fist and moves it across
a bit) besides trophy wives? (Stewie laughs at this).
Stewie: (Looking away from
mirror) Yes that's rich. (Suddenley realizes who he's talking
to (himself), shuts the mirror, and throws it at his cradle
spinning toy ( a bunch of airplanes) that Stewie watch spin
around and around and then turn into birds. A shocked Stewie
sees the birds flock all across the room, and land right
beside him on his doors and tables. The birds head then
become those of Mr. T. )
Mr. T Bird: Didn't want to
be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer (T- Bird raises wing,
which signals the other birds to raise theirs, and soon
they begin to dance around Stewie, who looks away and then
grab onto the rail of his crib).
Stewie: Go away! (Makes shoong
motion and falls off the crib and lands into some sort of
ocean. He sinks and then resurfaces as the ocean begins
to grow dark and the sky turns a purple magenta style of
color. A giant fin appears in the water, which is revealed
to be a Giant Lois Nose, that Stewie finds himself on, as
it surfaces above the ocean and onto a black screen). YOU!
Giant Lois: I am taking your
brain. (looks at him sideways) You are now my slave.
Stewie: Nooooooooo! (Falls
off the nose and in to the sky, which is now purple magenta
again, and falls into the ocean again. Regular Lois and
Meg appear).
Meg: Why is freaking out like
that?
Lois: Oh, he's having a little
hallucination from the fever (A shot of Stewie in the tub,
struggling against the water is shown). Just like when you
were 3 and you accidently ate those adult brownies I was
saving for the Doobie Brothers concert. (Shot of Golf Course
again, as we see Chris taunt the hitters by making faces
at them, then turning around as the balls hit, being protected
by a giant pillow wrapped around his back. Laughs at them
again as we see Cleveland Junior (with golf club) and Peter,
on the course).
Cleveland Junior: I'm gonna
be on a cereal box! (Jumps up and down) Honeycomb pig! (turns
around) Yeah Yeah Yeah! (turns around again) It's not small.
(Turns around again) No No No!
Peter: (Puts hand on Junior's
arm) Alright, now pay attention, junior. Now you wanna keep
your shoulders straight (demonstrates this) and you're knees
bent (demonstrates this as well). And, uh, (close up on
the two) just once, uh, for me, would, would you call me
Mr. Drummond?
(Shot of Chris picking up balls as Tanager appears from under the bush in a secret metal pipe).
Tanager: Hey, Griffin down
here! (Chris looks at him as he opens it all the way) Yeah
it's a secret tunnel like in Hogan's Heroes, no big woop
(makes fists) wanna fight about it? (takes check out of
shirt) Anyway here's your first week's pay.
Chris: (Takes the money and
holds it in the air) All right Chris! (Runs up to Peter
and Junior who are boarding a golf cart) Dad! Dad, look-
Peter: (Waves to him) That's
great Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here. (looks
at junior) I'm real proud of you champ, let's get a milkshake.
Cleveland Junior: You got
it Mr. Drummond. (The two drive off as Chris waves at them,
looking sad. A shot of the exterior of Quagmire's house,
as a young blonde female wearing a mail outfit comes to
the door and rings it. Quagmire answers in nothng but his
boxers.)
Mail Girl: Package for Glen
Quagmire. (Quagmire turns his head slowly and looks at her)
Quagmire: Oh, uh excuse me.
(Goes back inside and closes door. Opens door wearing nothing).
I've got a package for you too. All Right! (Mail Girl takes
mace out of her pocket and sprays it at him, but it dosen't
effect him) Nice try, but I've built up an immunity. (Quagmire
puts a robe on as the girl exits and drives off in the express
car she came in. He runs past Chris, who is sitting on the
sidewalk, looking sad. Quagmire notices him.) Hey, what's
wrong kid?
Chris: My dad doesn't care
about me anymore.
Quagmire: Oh, well. (takes
one hand out of robe pocket and kind of points at Chris)
Hey, at least you had a dad. When I was growing up, it was
just me and my mom. (Flashback of baby Quagmire and his
mom. Baby Quagmire is crying).
Quagmire's Mom: Oh, look's
like somebody's hungry. (Lifts up shirt and prepares to
breast feed him. Baby Quagmire looks at this).
Baby Quagmire: All right.
(Sucks on the breasts a bit before we flash back to the
present, where Chris is in Quagmire's house and Quagmire
has changed his clothes into a white pants , white shirt,
tan jacket get up).
Chris: I just wanted him to
be proud of me. (Quagmire enters from the back room) I even
got a job.
Quagmire: Well there's your
problem. Jobs are for suckers. You just need to know how
to have a good time. (Grabs him by the arm) Come on. (Cut
to Quagmire and Chris in his car (his bumper license is
Bushman) driving until they see a blonde woman on the left
side of the street. Quagmire pulls over and looks at Chris).
Go ahead kid, try it out.
Chris: Uh, excuse me you dropped
something. (looks to see if she dropped something) My jaw.
(She looks disgusted at him) Heh heh, heh oh right. (Quagmire
drives off)
Quagmire: Heh, nice going.
(he doesn't notice they're driving into a metal pole, and
they end up smacking into it and activating the air bags:
which are two blowup dolls that put their thong right by
your face). Heh, all right.
Chris: (At same time) All
right.
(A shot of the bowling alley, as
we see Quagmire walking with the ball and rolling it, getting
a strike).
Quagmire: Oh! (A trio squad
of females applaud his strike and he bows and blows a kiss
to them. One of the girls (the short black haired one) ties
up her bowling shoes and walks onto the alley, putting her
regular shoes in her bag. Quagmire takes the bag and takes
out the shoe (a pink pump) and sniffs it). Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhohooh!
(Passes it to Chris, who sniffs it).
Chris: Oh. (Shot of them driving
along a path) I don't think I like feet as much as you do.
Quagmire: (Notices something)
Hey, everybody likes feet. Come on the party's just starting.
(They pull up to a beach where you
can see guys and girls on the surf. Quagmire runs off and
takes of his shirt. Chris follows as the song begins to
play).
Beach People: (Singing and
dancing on surf boards) I'm gonna grab my girl and head
to the beach (The word Hic appears on screen) Hic-a-doo-la!
(as do a doo and la) We're gonna all hang ten (shot focuses
on female thong) and maybe then Hic-a-doo-la (The words
appear on the screen again).
Guys: (While holding surfboards
with three girls on them) Cause I'm a Hic-a-doo-la guy.
Girls: And I'm a Hic-a-doo-la
girl.
Guys and Girls: And together
it is a Hic-a-doo-la world. Hic-a-doo-la! (Words appear
on screen) (Shot of Chris and Quagmire dancing on surfboard's
with a female).
Chris: Mr. Quagmire, what
does Hic-a-doo-la mean? (Everyone stops and looks at Chris)
Everyone: What does Hic-a-doo-la
mean?
Beach Guy One: Well, Hic-a-doo
la's the special feeling you get from holding hands with
you're best gal.
Beach Girl One: It's cheering
real loud for the home team!
Beach Guy Two: It's hitting
the perfect wave!
Adult Beach Goer: (Who looks
like he's going to go sailing) It's obeying all the rules
(The group of kids look at him)
Group Of Kids: No Way! (The
camerea goes back and forth with a crazy sound affect. The
Group of kids grab him and run with him to the ocean (in
one shot they seem to be going backwards, but then go forwards
again, then back again, then forward, then back, then finally
forward) and throw the guy into the sea. He spits up some
water and looks at the kids. Shot over to Brian and Chris,
each with a beach girl.)
Quagmire: Hey, are we in Tieminamn,
(Bobs his head back and forth) 'cause I see a square.
(Girls are now on the guys shoulders
as the final Hic-a-doo-la goes across the screen with everyone
singing to it. Quagmire bobs his head twice. Shot of the
golf course as Junior puts in another ball).
Peter: Ah, great shot, Cleveland
Junior.
Junior: Thanks Mr Drummond.
Peter: Listen, uh, for today,
can you call me Mr. Popadopolis?
Junior: You got it (Sinks
in another ball).
Peter: (Folds his hands a
bit) And would ya hate me if I called you Webster?
Junior: (Looks at him angrily)
That's the line!
Peter: Oh, sorry. (Tom Tucker
comes from off screen right).
Tom Tucker: Hi, Tom Tucker,
local news anchor and on my days off, golf enthuaist. You
know the club's having a man-boy golf tournament and you
two should enter.
Peter: A tournament huh? (Scratches
his chin) That gives me an idea (Motions for Tom) Come on,
I'll explain in the car. (Peter and Tom run to Peter's car.
They shut the door and Peter opens his hand) This is the
perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure
I've been to Cleveland Junior. I'll do it! (They exit the
car. A shot of a strip club with the sign Fuzzy Clam and
a door man as we see young ladies riding the poles and Chris
and Quagmire just entering).
Chris: Where should we sit?
Quagmire: Uh, that's not up
to me kid. (Points at his pants) I follow the old divining
rod.
(Gets pulled very quickly to the
right, then pulled around Chris and into the lower right,
then the left. A Brown haired stripper comes up to Chris).
Stripper One: How old are
you? (goes to touch Chris's cheek)
Chris: Old enough to know
you're a whore. (She pulls him off to the right. Meanwhile,
another stripper (blonde this time) is by Quagmire, wearing
a coat which she quickly takes off.)
Quagmire: Woah! (As he says
this, money falls out of his pockets. She then turns and
removes her skirt) Woah hah hah! (More money falls out as
she shakes it for him) Woah hah hah hah hah hah! (Meanwhile,
stripper one is on one of the poles, her butt to Chris)
Stripper One: Come on, (smacks
her butt) talk to me, sweetie. (bends over with her head
between her legs) You look a little down. (then pulls her
head back up)
Chris: I always thought I'd
go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have
time for me.
Stripper One: Well, Sweetie
(faces other way) part of growing up is learning adults
aren't perfect. (closeup of face as she starts to take her
top off and swings it a bit). Come on, your dad deserves
another chance.
Chris: Wow! You are smart
(Back at Quagmire, he's staring at Stripper Two and pulls
out his wallet) Heh heh, all right. (realizes nothing's
there) No, no it's not alright. I'm out of cash. Hey, do
you take bank cards?
Stripper 2: Sure. (Wipes the
bank card across her ass. She gasps and looks at him angrily).
Quagmire: Can I get stamps
too? (She slaps him. Shot of The Man-Boy Tournament, as
Tom is in the foreground and Peter in crew are in the background).
Tom: We're here at the 17th
hole where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Junior are 5 strokes
ahead, making victory all but a certainty. (Is shown peeing
behind a bush and walking off. Junior sinks another hole,
and the people slightly cheer).
Peter: I told ya I could mold
your son into champion. He's gonna be my greatest victory
ever, except for the time I defeated my evil twin. (Flashback
to top of city building, where Lois is holding a gun in
front of two Peters.)
Peter 1: Not me Lois, Shoot
him. I'm the real Peter. (Lois switches gun back and forth)
Lois: I don't know.
Peter 2: Lois, look at me,
you know your own husband, don't you? (Lois closes one eye
and shoots Peter 1. The gun smokes and she drops it to the
floor. Peter 2 walks over to her). Thank god, you made the
right choice hunny. (goes to hug her. His face reveals to
be metal for a second, but quickly switches to normal).
Lois: What was that?
Peter 2: (Turns to her) Nothing.
(Flash to the Present)
Peter: (Pats Cleveland Junior)
One more hole and that man-boy trophy is ours. Here you
go little buddy. (Tosses him the golfball, which he knees
back and forth like a soccer player).
Junior: Hey, look at me, I'm
Pelle, I'm Pelle! (laughs and runs away from the tournament)
Goal! (Laughs some more and is now out of sight).
Peter: What the hell's he
doing? (The others laugh at him).
Cleveland: He's gone. Maybe
you better stick to looking after you're own son. (they
laugh again and walk out to the right. Peter gives a sad
face. Cut to at night and Peter is hitting balls at the
pratice spot. He looks right and sees Chris enter, carrying
a basket of balls. Peter moves one over as Chris takes a
shot. Peter scoots over another spot and turns around, hitting
the balls at the parking lot now, breaking a car window
and setting of an alarm. Chris smiles and turns around too,
and hits another ball, this time at a lady. Peter moves
over a spot).
Guy: (Offscreen) Oh my god!
Guy 2: Offscreen) Is she dead?
(Peter smiles at Chris).
Guy 1: No, I think she's still
alive (Peter hits another golfball at the lot). No, That
did it. (Both of them are hitting golfballs now, as we pan
out to see the women hit and the ambulance arrive, getting
the stretcher out).
Originally typed up by DianaGohan on Toonzone forums.
