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Theme Song

Lois: Oh, my! This place is enormous!

Peter: Oh, man! They got these little plastic disc guns! I haven't seen one of these since Cleveland's wedding.

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people...

Peter: [Peter laughing]

Priest: ...in the bonds of holy matrimony...

Peter: [Peter laughing]

Priest: ...consecrated before God Almighty.

Peter: [Peter laughing]

Brian: Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda?

Abe Vigoda: Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers.

Steve Guttenberg: Abe, shut up!

[Cheerful music playing on keyboard]

Peter: Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude.

Holden Caufield: My God, that's amazing! You are so talented.

Peter: Huh?

Holden Caufield: Wait a second! Something's not right here. You were just making it look like you were playing. You're a phony! Hey! This guy's a great big phony.

Peter: Come on, Chris.

[Concentration timer buzzing]

Peter: There you are.

Holden Caufield: You're a great big phony. You know that?

Peter: Come on, Stewie. Your mom and I have something for you.

Stewie: Let me guess. You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until big shock, a jack pops out. You laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Lois: Surprise, honey!

Stewie: A trikie!

Peter: I think he likes it!

Chris: When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose it tickles my brain. Ow! Oh, now I don't know math.

Stewie: Give it to me! Give it to me now, damn it!

Lois: Not now, Stewie. When we get home.

Holden Caufield: That's right! You're a big, fat phony!

Neil: What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. And as a bonus I'll identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Now, that's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup on that rock.

Meg: He is the biggest dork on the planet.

Girl: Oh, totally.

Neil: And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions? Meg?

Meg: No! Leave me alone!

Mr. McCloud: Thank you, Neil, for that totally irrelevant presentation. We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.

Girl: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lassenbee's getting arrested!

Students: [Students chattering]

Principal Shepherd: What in God's name? Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here?

Mr. Lassenbee: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Principal Shepherd: This stupid country.

Tom Tucker: Hello. Tom Tucker live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story. A teacher caught molesting children...with crackpot theories. Full story at 11:00.

Camerman: And out.

Meg: Oh, my God! That's Tom Tucker from the news!

Tom Tucker: Hey, kids. Remember, Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who does drugs."

[Sweeping instrumental music]

Camerman: Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker.

Tom Tucker: I'm coming.

Diane Simmons: And reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen.

Tom Tucker: Well, that sounds like one powerful hurricane, Diane. In other news, school-board elections took place last evening. And with six precincts reporting, candidate Fred Johnson leads candidate...

["Moving in Stereo" by The Cars playing]

Tom Tucker: Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are.

[song continues]

Tom Tucker: Turmoil at the White House when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket.

Brian: Whoa! Yikes! Awkward.

Tom Tucker: "Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold." More at 11.

Holden Caufield: You know who lives in this house? A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! A big fat phony!

Stewie: I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey!

Grease Monkey: Hey, remember that time I had that Mustang?

Stewie: Oh, yeah! You took her for a spin that time.

Grease Monkey: Yeah, that was awesome!

Stewie: Then those chowderheads on the corner busted your stones.

Grease Monkey: [Laughing]

Stewie: Hey, your sister say anything about me?

Meg: Oh, my God! I'm missing the news!

Peter: We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient.

Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.

Tom Tucker: Really? 64?

Diane Simmons: Yes.

Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead.

Diane Simmons: Nope. She's alive.

Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this.

[cut to pre-recorded shot back stage]

Tom Tucker: Are you a high-school student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships? If so, we'd like to invite you to try out for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program.

Meg: Oh, wow!

Diane Simmons: You'll gain valuable experience, have a chance to work closely with Tom and me and best of all, produce your own on-air report.

Tom Tucker: So, call us now.

Both: Yeah!

Announcer: Channel Five is not responsible for anyone burned, maimed, impaled, or molested during actual internship.

Tom Tucker: All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?

Boy: I guess so.

Tom Tucker: Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?

Boy: I don't know.

Tom Tucker: Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!

Diane Simmons: [Thinking] Oh, God! I can't hire any of these girls. They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky. Perfect! [aloud] Congratulations! You got the job.

Meg: Oh, my God! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of.

Diane Simmons: You and your partner will start first thing tomorrow after school.

Meg: Great! Who's my partner?

Neil: Hey there, hot stuff!

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

Neil: Well, well. It appears the fates have conspired in our favor, eh, Meg?

Meg: Look! Stay away from me, Neil! Just because we work together doesn't mean I have to like you. Give it to me!

Neil: What's that?

Meg: Give it to me, Neil!

Meg on tape: Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!

Neil: Yeah. That'll work just fine.

Tom Tucker: Hey, look who's here, Diane. It's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?

Meg: I sure did, Mr. Tucker!

Diane Simmons: Great! 'Cause you two are gonna have so much fun!

Tom Tucker: Don't act any cheerier, Diane. You'll give us all diabetes.

Diane Simmons: Bite me, Tom.

Tom Tucker: Come on, kids! And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's impossible to book, but we got him.

[cut to tape of interview]

Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I got to say, you look great.

Dustin Hoffman: [seduction scene from "The Graduate"] Are you trying to seduce me...

Voice: ...Mr. Tucker?

Tom Tucker: I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.

Dustin Hoffman: [scene from "Rain Man"] Uh-oh! Twelve minutes to Wapner.

Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can do for you...

Dustin Hoffman: [scene from "Hook"] Bring me Peter Pan!

Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.

[back in studio]

Tom Tucker: He's this tall.

Lois: Can you believe it? Our little Stewie learning to ride his first tricycle.

Peter: Yeah, this is gonna be even more exciting than when Brian taught me about Christopher Columbus.

[back in time; Peter and Brian drawn a la Mr. Peabody and Sherman]

Peter: Where we going, Brian?

Brian: Well, Peter, we're going to visit the year 1492. That's when Columbus set sail on his famous voyage to the New World.

Peter: Hey, we're on a ship!

Brian: That's right, Peter. This is the Santa Maria, one of three ships Columbus took to find a direct route to India.

Columbus: Any sign of India yet, fellows?

Sailor: Nothin' yet, Captain.

Peter: India? But I thought Columbus was going to America.

Brian: On the contrary, Peter. Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.

Peter: Wow!

Stewie: What the deuce do you think you're doing? Back off, fat man!

Peter: Hang on, Stewie!

Stewie: What the... Hey, let go! Get your filthy paws off! Let go! Let go, I say! Let-don't let go! Oh, this is exhilarating!

Lois: Go, Stewie!

Peter: Yea, Stewie!

Lois: Here, I gotta check on dinner. You keep taping Stewie. Don't miss a moment.

Peter: I got it. Look! It's dancing with me! It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst.

God: It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

Meg: Hi, Mr. Tucker. I brought you some Rice Krispie treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them on the news. See, look. This one is in the shape of a heart.

Tom Tucker: I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

Meg: [Meg sighing]

Neil: Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker! Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.

Tom Tucker: What the hell is in this?

Neil: Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman!

Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!

Neil: Yes, sir.

Bully: Nice bike.

Stewie: Oh, if that's not the understatement of the century.

Bully: It's cool. Too cool for you!

Stewie: No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.

Bully: Out of my way!

Stewie: I see. I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait here till you get back. Where the devil is he?

Brian: You've obviously never met a bully.

Stewie: What do you mean, "bully"?

Brian: He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it.

Stewie: You mean.... He stole my trikie! [Crying]

Meg: You know, Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are...

Tom Tucker: Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game.

[Phone ringing] [Rock 'n' roll music playing on answering machine]

Peter Jennings: This is Peter. You know what to do.

Producer: Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? There's some nut on top of Town Hall with a high-powered rifle! The gunman has been identified as the notorious Mass-media Murderer who targets members of the press.

Tom Tucker: Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? You know, I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns real-world experience.

Diane Simmons: Hey! That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper! I'm so jealous! Better put in for new interns. Good luck!

Gunman: I've got Hugh Downs up here! And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement!

Hugh Downs: Why me? Why the media?

Gunman: I've got my reasons! Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a day's worth of events into a half hour.

Hugh Downs: Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk.

Gunman: Really? You know him?

Hugh Downs: Well, I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there.

Gunman: Where?

Hugh Downs: Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! And, by the way, Rather is an okay guy in small doses.

Neil: Look how close we're getting, Meg!

Gunman: Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

[Gun firing]

Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

Meg: Oh, my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced! I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!

Neil: My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste!

Meg: I never even had my first kiss!

Neil: It's not too late, Meg.

[Romantic instrumental music]

Neil: I'm here for you.

[Gun firing]

Gunman: Time to sign off.

Hugh Downs: Remember me, dirt bag?

[Heroic instrumental music]

Man: Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs!

Hugh Downs: All in a day's work. Remember, if you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. Hugh Downs away!

Lois: Honey, thank God you're safe! We were so worried.

Diane Simmons: We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman with exclusive Channel 5 footage from today's exciting scene.

Neil: Thank you, Diane. There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop, but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman where a meeting of the tongues-a summit of saliva-established a new world order of love.

Meg: [Screams]

Neil: Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo! This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil, and begin life anew as "Meil."

Meg: Oh, my God! He put it on TV?

Lois: Isn't that cute, Peter? Our daughter's first love.

Meg: I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! I'm allergic to peanuts! You don't know anything about me!

Peter: Who was that guy?

Stewie: I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.

Cop: Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

Stewie: How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!

Man: I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.

Cop: Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

Kids: [Laughing]

Meg: Where did you get that shirt?

Girl: Neil's giving them out.

Neil: Hello, lover.

Meg: Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you!

Neil: Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut.

Meg: Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us!

Neil: Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn. Al? Why haven't I leaped?

Al: Ziggy says you can't "leap" until she loves you back.

Neil: Don't worry. I'll get her.

Personal trainer: So what were you wanting to work on? Cardio, upper body, what?

Stewie: Upper body, definitely. I need to get buff to get my tricycle back.

Personal trainer: Luckily we're running a special right now for the next 17 minutes.

Stewie: That's a little unusual, but okay, tell me.

Personal trainer: The normal plan is 78 months at $40 a month, and $200 down. Watch this. Forget the down. Watching? Good-bye $40 a month. Let's do $35.

Stewie: Okay, $35. Now, that's the cheapest?

Personal trainer: Hang on. Trace, can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks.

Stewie: I can probably just do some pushups at home...

Personal trainer: Okay, well, let's start with the complete body-fat test, maybe a heart rate...

Stewie: You're actually not hearing me. I don't think this is for me. Thanks anyway. And for the future? You came on a little strong.

Meg: What's going on here?

Lois: Oh, we invited Neil's family over for dinner.

Mort: Hi!

Muriel: Hello!

Meg: You what?

Peter: Yeah, we wanted to get to know 'em better. You know, seeing as how the two of you will one day bless our home with the pitter-patter of sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

Neil: You never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox! Now I see where you get it.

Lois: Meg, he's so charming.

Chris: My name is Chris. I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. Oh, God! What have I done?

Peter: Well, let's eat.

Mort: I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss. I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss. And it was just awful. Oh, just awful. We were both very sick, weren't we, dear?

Muriel: We were terribly sick. We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds.

Mort: Yes. Mine especially was very bad. I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose. And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times.

Lois: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Mort: Thank you very much.

Meg: Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up.

Mort: Please flush the toilet twice. Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear.

Bully: Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby!

Stewie: You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. Then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain!

Tom Tucker: School children washing cars to raise money for charity. Is there anything more arousing? Finally, we go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel 5 Junior Anchor Segment on the moon. Meg?

Meg: The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold. And it's ugly. And its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. Oh, wait! That's not the moon. It's Neil Goldman's face. Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. But, if I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I would have never done it. I mean, who in their right mind would? Well, I went to the streets to find out. Would you kiss this guy?

Girl: Ugh, no.

Girl 2: No way!

Girl 3: No.

Girl 4: No!

Girl 5: No.

Girl 6: No.

Mort: God, no! What's the matter with you? Ugh!

Meg: It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! Back to you, Tom.

Tom Tucker: Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this.

Stewie: Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture?

Bully: Let me go, man!

Stewie: Tell me, how old are you, Charlie?

Bully: 7.

Stewie: 7? My, my, you're practically a lady. Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is!

Bully: I don't know. I lost it.

Stewie: Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth.

[Metallic grinding]

Bully: No! Don't!

Lois: Stewie? Look what I found.

Stewie: My trikie!

Lois: What's going on down here?

Stewie: We're playing house.

Lois: That boy is all tied up.

Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Tom Tucker: <practicing line reads> "Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot." "Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot." "What's the President doing in this casket? We'll tell you right after this." Hey, Meg, nice job on that report last night.

Meg: Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself.

Tom Tucker: Say, how'd you like to pick up a handsome man's dry cleaning?

Meg: Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job?

Tom Tucker: Little jerk hasn't been in all day.

Meg: He hasn't?

Producer: We got a breaking story! There's some geek on top of Town Hall and he's about to jump!

[Suspenseful instrumental music]

Meg: Oh, my God! Neil!

Tom Tucker: Is it Neil? Huh. I've been calling him Ned all week.

Meg: Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.

Neil: I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker.

Meg: Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! Someone's gotta do something! He'll fall!

Tom Tucker: I'm on it, Meg. Hey, have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the [whistling], then top it off with a [splat]. And if there's time before commercial, be ready with a [sentimental music].

Meg: Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? All you care about are your stupid ratings! You're a horrible man! Neil, I'm sorry!

Neil: Meg?

Horace: There he goes!

Tom Tucker: Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, good stuff, good stuff!

Meg: Neil!

Neil: Meg, you do care!

Meg: Don't read too much into this, Neil.

Neil: Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you.

Meg: Look-just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet-and I'm not the only one who thinks so-that doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself.

Neil: Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump.

Holden Caufield: Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony!

[closing theme music]