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Full transcript for episode FG205
"Love
Thy Trophy"
Diane Simmons: Good evening.
I'm Diane Simmons. A stunning development tonight, as O.J.
Simpson is proven innocent. We have the identity of the
real killer. But first...
Tom Tucker: It's fall! The
time of year when the leaves turn that pretty, purpley-orange
and Quahog prepares for its annual Harvest Festival Parade.
Diane Simmons: Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa joins us live from the ceremony where they're
choosing this year's theme.
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, behind
me are 1,000 beautiful doves. Gently tied to each of their
delicate legs is a parade theme suggested by ordinary citizens
of Quahog. And here to pick this year's winning theme is
"Ten Commandments" star, Charlton Heston.
Charlton Heston: Let my pigeons
go!
[Wings flapping]
[Gun loading] [gunshot]
Tricia Takanawa: He nailed
one! We have our theme!
Cleveland: I submitted "togetherness."
A simple theme. But powerful, nonetheless.
Joe: Come on, "overcoming
adversity"! Let's go, "overcoming adversity"!
Quagmire: Show me "women I
gave the clap to"! Oh!
Charlton Heston: And the Harvest
Festival Parade theme is: "The episode of 'Who's the Boss?'
where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower."
Peter: Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable!
[Cheering]
Stewie: Oh! Clumsy oaf! Michael
Flatley must be turning over in his grave. Wait a minute.
He's not dead...yet. "Michael Flatley."
Lois: Peter, it's great they
picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric?
Peter: Esoteric?
[conference room inside Peter's brain]
Man 1: Could it mean "sexy"?
Man 2: I think it's a science
term.
Man 3: Fellas, fella, esoteric
means "delicious."
Peter: Lois, "Who's the Boss?"
is not a food.
Brian: Swing and a miss.
Theme
Song
Meg: I have no friends, and
it's all because of this stupid purse!
Peter: What did you do to
my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her-
Lois: Peter! Honey, what happened?
Meg: Well, it was lunchtime
and...
Girl 1: I love the color of
your Prada bag.
Girl 2: Yeah, but yours has
that great clasp.
Girl 1: Hey, Meg, you want
to come to lunch? Oh, you know what? There's no room in
my car for your big, ugly purse.
[Girls laughing]
Mrs. Canner: Meg, let me tell
you about popularity.
Girl 1: Mrs. Canner? Are you
coming?
Mrs. Canner: Bye!
Meg: Daddy, if you really
loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag.
Peter: I can't say no to you,
honey. What are they, like, $10?
Meg: More like $1,100.
Peter: [Laughing] You wish
I loved you that much!
Meg: [Sighs]
Peter: We're never gonna get
this float done in time for the parade. Pick up the pace,
guys!
Joe: Peter, your theme is
a dud.
Cleveland: Yeah. I've never
even seen "Who's the Boss?"
Quagmire: Tuesdays in the
'80s I was always in bed by 8:00...and home by 11:00. Oh!
Peter: But I can't do it without
you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss. It's not
Tony or Angela. It's not even man-crazy Mona. It's all of
us. Quagmire, you're the boss because you never give up,
like with the ladies.
Quagmire: Gemini. Augh! Capricorn.
Augh! Well, I know you're not a Virgo! Augh!! Hey, from
down here, you look like a Pisces! Augh!!!
Peter: And Cleveland, you're
the boss because of your attention to detail. Like when
we play pool, you take so long to line up your shots, I
just want to crack you with a cue stick. But I don't because
that would be a hate crime, and I love you. And Joe, I've
had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the
man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits
them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Joe: Peter's right. If we
work together, we can win this thing. Who's in?
Quagmire: Go, Spooner Street!
[Heroic instrumental music]
Kevin: My dad always says,
"Measure twice, cut once."
Cleveland, Jr.: My daddy always
says, "Cleveland, Jr., quit jumping on the bed!" [Laughing]
Kevin: We didn't measure!
We didn't measure!
Brian: Amazing, Peter, you've
inspired the whole neighborhood to work together.
Peter: You know what's really
amazing, Brian? I haven't brushed my teeth in three days,
and no one has said a thing.
Meg: Hey, Stewie, if I had
a job, I could buy the bag myself.
Stewie: Hmmm. I squandered
my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps
I should seek employment. Mother teaches piano; I suppose
I could as well.
[Stewie at piano bench with kid]
Stewie: All right, try it
again, Richard. And remember, the wrong keys are electrified.
["Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
misplayed] [Electric shock]
Richard: Augh! I don't want
to play the piano!
Stewie: Indeed. Would you
rather play the bassoon?
Girl: [Playing bassoon] [Screams]
Flappy: No experience? No,
thanks.
Lois: [Sighs]
Waitress: [Whispering]
Flappy: Oh, nuts. Young lady!
What's the little guy's name?
Meg: What do you care?
Flappy: Well, I can't send
an unwed teenage mother out on the street without a job.
Meg: Stewie. My son's name
is Stewie.
Stewie: [spits out cookie]
Diane Simmons: Welcome to
the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade. Are you
as excited as I am, Tom?
Tom Tucker: Are you kidding,
Diane? I've got wood...and clipped onto this piece of wood
is a list of this year's float entries.
Diane Simmons: Remember, the
float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's
coveted Golden Clam.
Tom Tucker: And here's our
first float.
Diane Simmons: Oh, looks like
some wires got crossed on Clover Street. That's not Angela.
That's Mona, Angela's mom.
Tom Tucker: Wonderful use
of tree bark for the age spots though.
Diane Simmons: Mmm-hmm.
Tom Tucker: This one's got
Tony bathing Jonathan. Well, that's just plain wrong.
Diane Simmons: Each float
possesses its own unique charm. But none of them-
Tom Tucker: Oh, baby! Look
at that!
Joe: Peter, the float turned
out great.
Peter: Yeah, our neighborhood
hasn't been this united since Quagmire figured out how to
get us free cable.
Cleveland: We are not bad
people. We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax.
Diane Simmons: First place
goes to Spooner Street.
All: [Cheering] We won! All
right! [Uncomfortable laughter]
Loretta: Come on now! This
is damn foolish!
Peter: My theme, my trophy!
Quagmire: My aunt Fanny! You
said it yourself, Peter! I'm the boss!
Cleveland: Well, he said I,
too, was the boss. And it's time Cleveland got his due.
Bonnie: Joe, my feet are starting
to swell.
Joe: You two go home. I can
stay here as long as it takes. You'd be amazed how little
you have to eat when your legs don't work.
Peter: There's only one way
to settle this. Russian Roulette. Three bullets, last guy
standing keeps the trophy. Me first. No, no, no, wait a
minute, this is crazy. You first.
Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's
gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.
Peter: Wait a minute! I got
it! No, lost it. There it is again!
Lois: Perfect, Peter. Now
we can all enjoy it.
[Muttering approval]
Cleveland: Here's to togetherness!
Peter: Car. Car! Car!
[Car approaching]
Flappy: Meg, order up!
Waitress: Here you go, hon.
From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they're
from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan!
Waitress: Try them. You'll
like them.
Stewie: Yes, well, I rather
doubt that. I-oh. Yes! These are delectable. Flappy, good
news! I've decided not to kill you!
Woman: What a precious little
boy.
Meg: Oh, that's my-uh, son.
Woman: Your son? But you're
just a baby yourself. Henry, give the little skank a nice
tip.
Meg: $20! Welcome to Flappy's.
Why don't you have a seat next to my little baby whose deadbeat
dad doesn't pay child support.
Stewie: [Belching] Ha!
Peter: [Horrified scream]
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Lois: Peter, what is it?
Cleveland: What's going on
out here?
Joe: Clear the way! I'm a
cop! Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on. I'm so sorry.
Charlton Heston: That's okay,
son. It's your right as an American citizen. [moaning]
Quagmire: What's all the noise,
boys? I was just jerk-ed out of a sound sleep.
Cleveland: Perhaps someone
could enlighten me as to the whereabouts of our Golden Clam?
Quagmire: Maybe it fell.
Peter: Yeah. Right into someone's
pocket.
Bonnie: You think one of us
stole it?
Peter: I never said the word
"stole." Looks like someone has a guilty conscience.
Joe: Guilty conscience! Ha!
I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his
cable.
Bonnie: Oooh.
Cleveland: Pretty high and
mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain
last Fourth of July. That's against the law, Officer!
ALL: Oooh.
Quagmire: You're one to talk.
Out there every trash day picking through my garbage. That's
an invasion of my privacy.
ALL: Oooh.
Loretta: He's sorting your
recycling because he loves our Mother Earth. If you weren't
so busy trolling for booty all the damned time, you could
do it yourself, like the law says you should.
ALL: Oooh.
Peter: Oh, it's on now!
Joe: Wait a second! What about
Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along!
Peter: I couldn't have stolen
it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal
the trophy tonight.
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder.
He can't use it. It's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
Bonnie: Those Griffins always
were oddballs, Joe. Real oddballs. I don't trust them.
Lois: I saw them taking coupons
out of our mailbox.
Quagmire: I don't like the
look of her!
Rod Serling: I offer you a
recipe. Combine one part small-town neighborhood with a
dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo
fit only for a madman. A gumbo served almost exclusively
in The Twi-
Peter: Who the hell is that?
I bet he took it!
Joe: Where are you going,
Serling? Want some of this?
Quagmire: Come back here!
Meg: Well, I'm off to work.
Peter: Okay, honey. One of
our neighbors took that trophy, Lois, and I'm gonna find
out who.
Meg: I'm taking Stewie with
me again.
Lois: Fine, sweetie. This
whole thing just makes me sick!
Peter: For crying out loud,
we played Pictionary with them!
Lois: Bastards!
Stewie: Giddy-up, you stubby
little mare! To the pancake house! Hiya!
Meg: Well, bye.
Lois: And to think they used
to be our best friends!
Peter: That was then and this
is now! And this is a chair. And that's a lamp. And you
have boobies. And I'm gonna find that trophy!
Joe: Well, to be honest, Peter,
we were all a little surprised you invited us over.
Peter: Well, we realized our
friendship is a lot more important than some stupid trophy.
[Kettle whistling]
Peter: Oh, there's the tea.
I'll get it, Lois. Two sugars, right, Bonnie? [forced laughter]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Peter: Damn, it's not here!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Peter: Not here either.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
['60s lounge music on stereo]
Peter: Huh. Nothing.
Lois: Oh, my God! We were
robbed!
Peter: Is anything missing?
Lois: No. I don't think so.
Hey, where's that picture of me in my two-piece at the Cape?
Chris: Should I call the cops?
Peter: No, I'm guessing a
cop may have had something to do with this. Or a pilot.
Or a deli owner. Okay, you dirtbags! This means war!
Lois: Excuse us. We're having
a small problem with home security.
Peter: Do you guys have those
round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when
stepped on, they explode?
Clerk: Land mines?
Peter & Lois: Land mines.
Peter: It was land mines.
Peter: Quagmire.
Quagmire: Peter.
Joe: Cleveland.
Cleveland: Joe.
Lois: Bonnie.
Bonnie: Lois.
Quagmire: Cleveland.
Joe: Lois.
Cleveland: Bonnie.
Lois: Quagmire.
Bonnie: Peter.
Loretta: [Clears throat]
Cleveland: Loretta.
Lois: Come on, Peter.
Peter: That ought to slow
them down.
Meg: Being a single mother
is hard. But the real challenge is having a baby that's
addicted to crack. Right, Stewie?
Stewie: What's that? Oh, yes.
I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!
Meg: This is the first time
he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks.
Well, here's your check. God bless.
Waitress: Here, honey.
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries?
Oh, my.... Oh, that's better than sex!
Sandy Balfour: Oh, and could
I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.
Lois: What are they up to?
Peter: Well, Cleveland and
Quagmire are holding their positions but I haven't seen
Joe all day.
Joe: Freeze!
Kevin: Dad?
Joe: Careful. There's a bear
trap two feet to your right.
Kevin: Thanks, Dad.
Joe: Look out for your mother!
Bonnie: There's a sandwich
on the counter, honey.
Loretta: Cleveland, these
lobster traps aren't going to catch any intruders.
Cleveland: Yes, they will.
I baited them with these plump and tasty Fenway franks.
Cleveland, Jr. Daddy, we got
one! Daddy, we got one! Ha ha! Fat boy smelled a hot dog.
Couldn't help it. Went right in. [Laughing]
[Classical instrumental music]
Sandy Balfour: Hello.
Quagmire: Hey, get the hell
off my...well, hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Sandy Balfour: Yes. I was
hoping I could ask you about your neighbors, the Griffins.
Quagmire: The Griffins! A
bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me! All right.
No! No, no! It's not all right!
Cleveland, Jr. Hey, fat boy!
Cleveland: The Griffins are
not to be trusted.
Loretta: Mmm-mmm.
Joe: Those people are nothing
but vile, cheating, lying scum.
Bonnie: And their carpet and
drape scheme...[finger down throat]
Stewie: No! No, I won't! Get
that puree of loathsomeness away from me!
Lois: But you love mashed
turkey and peas.
Stewie: I'm sorry. What was
that? I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Did you just
tell me what I love? Hmm? Write this down, you toad-faced
frump. I love pancakes!
Sandy Balfour: Hi, little
fella. Is Meg Griffin here?
Lois: No, she's not.
Sandy Balfour: Probably out
scoring more rock. Sandy Balfour, Child Services. We're
placing this baby in a foster home.
Lois: What?
Stewie: For God's sake, feed
me!
Sandy Balfour: Let me guess.
All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child!
Lois: How dare you! This is
a wonderful home!
[Gunshot]
Peter: Quagmire, you rat bastard!
Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head!
Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
Sandy Balfour: Honey, would
you like some pancakes?
Stewie: Oh, yes! God, yes!
Take me!
Lois: Stewie!
Meg: Next up is Meg Griffin,
sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new...
Lois: Oh, Meg, a woman from
Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him
dog food!
Meg: Dog food, huh?
Lois: Meg, is that a real
Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress
in one week?
Meg: It's easy...when you're
the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. [laughing
nervously]
Peter: Wait a minute. Meg,
when did you become a teenager?
Lois: She's 16, Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?
Sarah: Welcome to your new
foster home. Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers
and sisters.
Hispanic baby: Hola, Stewie.
Chinese baby: Ni hao, Stewie.
African baby: [click click]
Stewie.
Stewie: Good God! I've been
adopted by a Benetton ad!
Mrs. Stevens: I promise, it'll
never happen again.
Clerk: I hope not, Mrs. Stevens.
Because next time we won't just take him away, we'll kill
him. Let's see. Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens!
Chris: So this is where babies
come from?
Brian: Yes, Chris. This is
where babies come from.
Chris: You told me I came
out of your vagina!
Clerk: Next!
Peter: Hi. Yeah, we're the
Griffins.
Clerk: Griffin, Griffin...I'm
sorry. I can't find your paperwork.
Lois: Well look harder! I
want my baby back!
Peter: Lois, Lois, please,
let me handle this. The name's Griffin. We're the ones who
fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby. Jeez, I never was
any good at dealing with the authorities.
[Peter driving car, being pulled
over by cop]
Peter: Don't worry, Brian.
I know how to handle this.
Cop: Sir, are you aware you
were going 50 in.... I'm gonna have to ask you to put your
shirt down, sir.
Peter: Ah, crap. I get the
one straight cop in Rhode Island.
Stewie: [screams angrily]
Damn it! I want pancakes! You people understand every language
except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes!
Click-click-bloody-click pancakes!
Sarah: Poor little guy. "Pancakes"
must be street for "crack." Damn those parents of his.
Jack: Sarah, forgiveness.
Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others?
Chinese baby: Stewie, come
complete our rainbow!
Stewie: I've got a better
idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Lois: You lied to them!
Peter: You told Child Services
that we steal lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes and worship
some guy named Stan.
Bonnie: Um, actually, I said
Satan. That's a typo.
Quagmire: We didn't know who
that woman was! It's not our fault!
Lois: No? Then whose fault
is it?
Brian: It's all of yours!
You were all working together just fine, but then you won
that stupid trophy. You put some shiny hunk of metal before
your own friendships.
Lois: Brian's right. We were
so obsessed with that trophy, we lost sight of what was
really going on. Well, now we have a real problem to deal
with.
Peter: That's right! Somebody
tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax. Joe?
...And we have to get Stewie back! I remembered.
Cleveland: Well, we're here
to help. And we must get our baby back.
Joe: Right on! Let's do it!
Rock their world! Rock their world!
ALL: Yeah! Come on! Let's
go! We can do it!
Sarah: See kids? One day the
world is going to be just like our home. All races living
together in harmony and love.
[Creaking]
Stewie: Pancakes!
Sarah: He must still be working
the junk out of his system. He needs hugs!
[Doorbell ringing]
Stewie: Doorbell! Doorbell!
Cleveland: Hi. We're from
the One World, One People Book-of-the-Month Club. Is there
something missing in yourlife?
Jack: You know, I just bet
there is. Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual!
Bonnie: They're in place!
God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers. When I get
him home, I swear to God I'm gonna grease up...
Lois: That's fine, Debbie.
Go, Chris.
Chris: Here we go, Dad!
Indian baby: Stewie, would
you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach
it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her
people invade your country.
Indian baby: Yee, would your
people really do this?
Stewie: Oh, try and stop them.
And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to
buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them
to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest
of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors
you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all
hate each other?
All: [Crying]
Stewie: Oh, hosanna! It's
the lesser of two evils.
Peter: Oh, hey, kids. I'm
Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.
Indian baby: But you're white.
Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
African baby: Don't be stupid!
Santa is black!
Indian baby: Santa can't be
black. We do not fear him.
Chinese baby: Cram it, Gandhi!
Santa is Asian.
Hispanic baby: How can he
be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the
speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy,
Mulan!
[Yelling]
Peter: Come on, Stewie. We're
out of here.
Stewie: Dance, puppets! Dance!
Peter: Lois, we got him. It's
all over.
Lois: Careful, Peter. Joe
and Cleveland can't stall them anymore. They're heading
your way!
Peter: Oh, crap!
Jack: Hold it right there!
Peter: Or what?
Stewie: Don't shoot! Now shoot!
Lois: So, we're terribly sorry
we broke into your home. But we just had to get Stewie back
somehow.
Sarah: Well, that's a very
long story. But we've grown attached to little Stewie. Plus,
the law's on our side.
Peter: Oh, you people can
kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, Stewie.
Sarah: Wait!
Jack: Is that a real Prada
bag?
Peter: I'd like to propose
a toast: to our neighbors! Sure they may be black, handicapped,
and a heartless sex hound, but hey-if they moved out, some
smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Joe: Hear, hear!
Cleveland: Hey, where's Quagmire?
Lois: Yes, if it wasn't for
him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster
family lived.
Peter: He said he'd distract
that social worker.
Sandy Balfour: Glen, honey,
I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Hey, I have a question
for you, too. Why are you still here?
Joe: What the heck happened
to that trophy anyway?
Brian: I guess some mysteries
are better left unsolved.
All: [Chattering]
Brian: [moaning]
Rod Serling: Submitted for
your approval. A family pet with the uncontrollable urge
to bury shiny objects in the yard. A shameful secret that
nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor...
Lois: Stewie seems a little
feverish after his ordeal. And he keeps asking for pancakes.
Let's just let him rest.
Stewie: Oh! Flappy, what have
you done to me? It's so hot. Now I'm freezing! Oh, what
I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite. [Screams]
