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Barbara: Hi, Chris.
Barbara: I'm having a birthday
party next week. I was hoping you could come.
Chris: Oh, no! Someone peed
in my pants!
Barbara: You're funny. Well,
I hope you can make it.
Lois: Your friend's birthday
party sounds like fun, Chris.
Peter: Yeah, but, I hope for
your sake, the cake's better than the last party I went
Peter: Oh, God! Coconut!
Chris: I want to get Barbara
a really nice gift. What kind of gifts have boys gotten
for you, Meg?
Meg: Oh, well...my boyfriend,
Prince William, got me this beautiful watch and this diamond
tiara, and this wonderful scepter. [Manic laughter] [Sobbing]
Stewie: She needs to get laid
Peter: Listen, Chris, I read
a book saying that women are from Venus, all right? So,
here's what you get her. Thick layers of sulfuric acid,
viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed
domes over large magma chambers. Here's $5.
Chris: Well, that's okay,
Dad. I was thinking about getting a paper route, so I could
pay for Barbara's gift myself.
Lois: Oh, well, I think that's
very sweet, honey.
Peter: Oh, boy! I remember
my first job. I was in a folk-music trio. [flashback] Hey,
how about "Here's to you, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon: You've been pitching
that for an hour, but it's just not a very attractive name.
Peter: Fine, fine. I suppose
we're also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and
Lowrey's Seasoning Salt." That's it. I'm going to 'Nam.
Herbert: Well, hey there,
young fella. Bringing me good news today?
Herbert: Come on over here,
son. Hand me the paper, so I don't need to use my grabber.
That's a nice muscly throwing arm you got there.
Herbert: Got a nice tip for
you right here in my pocket. But my arthritis.... Why don't
you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?
Chris: Oh, that's okay, mister.
I don't collect until the end of the month. I'll see you
[Pop music playing]
Chris: I hope you like it.
Barbara: Wow, perfume! That
is so sweet.
Chris: It'll make you smell
like Elizabeth Taylor. I guess that means you'll smell like
bourbon and Vicodin.
Barbara: That's very thoughtful.
Chris: Can I spray some on
Barbara: Oh, my eyes!
Chris: You're beautiful!
Barbara: Just get away from
Chris: I'm so awkward!
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm,
why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't
talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or
Herbert: Who needs them? You
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to
come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta
Herbert: Don't make me beg,
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass
Robber: This is a holdup!
Open the register!
Clerk: I can't! It only opens
when you make a sale!
Robber: Then give me one of
them horoscope scrolls and some Skittles! "Financial transaction
benefits you today." Ooh!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Robber: All right, a bike!
I'm out of here!
Cop: Now, son, your parents
are on their way. But since time is a factor here, we'd
like to get a positive ID as quickly as possible.
Chris: Are you sure he can't
Cop: Absolutely, Chris. You're
100 percent safe.
Chris: Okay, that's him. Number
Peter: Hi. Excuse me, you
guys. I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. He's here
to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. Maybe
you've seen him. His name is Chris Griffin. I think I got
a picture of him, somewhere. Here you go. Yeah, you can
go ahead and hang on to that. I got a ton of them at home.
In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway, 'cause Chris
messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of
his fears all over the back of it.
Lois: Oh! We're so proud of
you, Chris, for helping to put that horrible man in jail.
Peter: Jeez, you couldn't
have said it was Celine Dion, huh? Our one chance to put
that showboating Canadian wench behind bars and you blow
Announcer: We now return to
the E! True Hollywood Story. Alf.
Alf: By the third season,
I was completely wasted all the time. I had lost all control
of my bodily functions. They had to cut the crap out of
my fur before each taping. But would I do it all again?
Tom Tucker: We interrupt this
program for a breaking news story. We now go live to the
Rhode Island State Penitentiary, where Asian reporter Tricia
Takanawa is standing by. Tricia?
Tricia Takanawa: Tom, I'm
outside this maximum-security facility where a ruthless
thug has engineered a daring escape. Sir, do you have any
plans now that you're out of jail?
Robber: Yeah. I'm gonna go
bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good lord! Can they
really say "bang my girlfriend" on TV?
Lois: You want to remove us
from the area?
FBI Agent 1: Yes, ma'am. This
criminal will stop at nothing to find your son, so we're
placing your family in the witness protection program.
Stewie: Oh, Is Europe an option?
I say, I've always wanted to spend a year in Prague teaching
English. You know, slacking off a bit, but really getting
to know myself.
FBI Agent 1: Well, until we
catch this guy, you'll be relocated to the deep South.
Peter: Deep South? Isn't that
where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys
are just as lazy but are mad at the black guys for being
FBI Agent 1: Jenkins and I
have been assigned to live here and watch your house while
you're gone. Even though he's a slovenly liberal, and I'm
a fastidious conservative.
FBI Agent 2: I smell a sitcom!
FBI Agent: I suggest you start
Meg: I can't believe I have
to change schools because of you! This is all your fault,
Peter: Me? I had nothing to
do with it.
Meg: No. I meant Chris!
Peter: Oh. Yeah, Lardo!
Lois: Look, everybody. Here
we are. The town of Bumblescum.
[Instrumental Dixie music]
Meg: This is our house?
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg! I
bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece
Lois: Oh, what's that smell?
Brian: It's either bad meat
or good cheese.
Peter: There's a penny underneath
Meg: Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're
a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it!
Stewie: You suck!
Lois: Oh, my! Well, it's too
hot to cook anyway. Peter, what's the upstairs like?
Peter: There's a crunchberry
underneath the fridge.
Meg: Mom, Chris found a jar
in the basement! And it has a hand in it!
Chris: I'm gonna plant it
and see if a human grows!
Peter: Well, at least the
TV gets decent reception. Must be some kind of nature show.
Help! Help! Get it off! Get if off!
Meg: Great. We're here five
minutes, and Dad gets mauled by a rodent.
Brian: This place is horrible.
Lois: Okay. Now, everybody
calm down. We don't know anything about this community.
I bet if we explore the town, we'll each find something
about it we like.
Peter: You know, that's a
great idea, Lois. I just got to hit the can.
Lois: I think there's just
an outhouse, Peter.
Peter: Hey, Lois, I don't
get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes
anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere. Oh! Oh,
God! Oh, it's everywhere! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh,
Lois: Excuse me. Do you have
Redneck: Over there, ma'am.
Redneck Banker: How much you
want to take out?
Redneck Banker: There's a
service charge of $1.50. Do y'all accept?
Redneck Banker: Mmm. You smell
like the inside of my mama's purse.
Lois: Thank you.
Musician: [Playing banjo music]
Stewie: What are those dulcet
tones? Why, this is the music of the angels! What is that
Musician: Banjo. Pluck that
Stewie: Oh! I feel so deliciously
white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!
Peter: All right, that about
does it. Isn't she beautiful, Brian?
Brian: The Duke boys would
be proud, Peter.
Peter: Yeah, and you got to
get in through the window, like this. Okay. Now you. Oh,
sorry. I forgot to roll yours down. You all right? Hello?
Wake up, sleepyhead.
Chris: Are you mad at that
Sam: Shoot, no! 'Course, this
pond did kill my grandpappy. He saw his reflection in the
water, thought it was him and drowned trying to save himself.
Chris: That's why my mom doesn't
let me look in the toilet.
Sam: I'm Sam.
Chris: I'm Chris.
Sam's Father: Sam, come on
Sam: Well, I gotta go help
my daddy bring in the mud harvest. Nice making your acquaintance,
Chris: Oh, my God! I'm drowning!
Radio: And that was Merle
Haggard with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist." Coming
Peter: All right. Here's one.
Let's jump that. [Yelling triumphantly] Oh, that was great!
Hey, next time let's get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can
Peter: What'd I say?
Teacher All right, class. We have
a new student joining us. Everyone please welcome Megan
Griffin from the North.
Student 1: What's it like
up there? Y'all got them talking pictures?
Student 2: And flying machines?
Student 3: And perfume for
Meg: We sure do.
Teacher: All right, class.
That's enough questions for Megan. Time to hand back last
week's spelling tests. And it looks like Oinky has set the
Student 1: Oh, dang!
Student 2: That is some smart
Student 3: Good thing I copied
Lois: Ta da! Possum Surprise.
Actually, I made it with Shake 'N Bake.
Stewie: And I helped!
Lois: Kids, where's your father?
[Peter and Brian yelling triumphantly]
Lois: Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
Peter: I'm blending in. Relax,
Lois. It's not our house.
Lois: I'm glad you're having
fun, but we need some money. Have you thought about looking
for a job?
Peter: Yes, Lois, I have.
But I've also thought about getting fired from that job.
Is that something you really want to put our family through?
Think about that while I get myself a drink. Oh, God!
Sam: It's right up here past
this clearing. He's been here about three months now.
Chris: Wow! Where do you think
you go when you die?
Sam: I learnt at church that
if you're good, you go to Heaven. But if you're bad, you
go to a place where the dead believe they're still living
and they pray for death, but death won't come.
Sam: You're funny. I like
Chris: I like you too, Sam.
Sam: Want to poke him?
Chris: Do I! You know, it's
true. The best things in life really are free.
Peter: I don't know, Brian.
Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian: Yeah, too bad you always
blow it in the interview.
Employer So, Peter, where do you
see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Thinking] Don't say,
"Doing your wife." Don't say, "Doing your wife." Don't say,
"Doing your wife." [aloud] Doing your...son? Hey, Brian,
look at that!
Sheriff: Interested? We just
take turns being the sheriff. It's real easy. You just hang
out here, eat some pie, and get drunk.
Peter: Wait. Hold on a second.
"Pie," "drunk," "the"? You got yourself a sheriff!
Peter: [Slurring] Boy, it's
so quiet around here!
Brian: I know.
Peter: The phone hasn't rang
Brian: I-I know. There's nothing
to...[Stuttering] [Sighing] Oh, boy! What's the word I'm
looking for? "Do"!
Peter: Oh, Brian, you're drunk.
You're drunk. Give me your keys.
Chris: What is this, Dad?
Peter: A Southern tradition,
son. It's a reenactment of the Civil War.
Redneck: Robert E. Lee, I
knew I'd find you here where they seat the sorry-ass losers!
Sam's Father: Ulysses S. Grant,
you invite me to lunch then show up an hour late, drunk?
Redneck: I was busy looking
for your wife to give her the old...
Sam's Father: Sir, this means
Redneck: I am vanquished.
Sam's Father: I hereby declare
victory in the name of the Confederacy!
Peter: Uh, excuse me. I don't
think that's how it happened. I'm pretty sure the North
Sam's Father: What are you
Peter: I'm saying that drunken
idiot kicked your sorry asses south of the Donna Dixon line!
Sam's Father: We don't take
too kindly to that sort of talk, mister. And I sure as shoot
don't want your kid hanging around with my kid. And if you
think I'm mad now, you got to answer to them Civil War survivors!
Old Redneck: Yeah. That's
Brian: Wait! Look over there!
It's a newly-married, interracial gay couple burning the
Old Redneck: Get 'em!
Chris: I guess we can't hang
Sam: I guess not.
Chris: That sucks! 'Cause
I really like spending time with you.
Sam: Me, too.
Chris: [Muffled protests]
What are you doing?
[Instrumental Dixie music]
Waylon Jennings: Them Griffin
boys better grow some wings or start flapping their arms.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Old Redneck 1: Lost 'em!
Old Redneck 2: Dag-blasted
Old Redneck 3: Anyone seen
Chris: [writing in diary]
"Man, was last night weird! I kissed a boy. But the truth
is, I really like him as a friend. His name is Sam."
Brian: You kissed Sam last
Chris: How did you know?
Brian: Well, you're saying
it out loud. I could hear you in the other room.
Chris: The weird thing is,
kissing Sam kind of felt right. But I don't know if I can
face him again. Brian, what should I do? I haven't been
this confused since the end of "No Way Out"! [at movies]
How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
FBI Agent 2: How do I shoot?
How do I shoot?
FBI Agent 1: Press B! B button!
Robber: Telegram for Chris
FBI Agent 1: Oh, he's not
Robber: Where is he?
FBI Agent 1: I can't release
Robber: Oh, did I say Chris?
I meant Chris's sister.
FBI Agent 1: Oh, if it's for
Meg, that's a whole other story. Here's her address. What
are you doing?
FBI Agent 2: You were busy,
so I played your guy.
FBI Agent 1: Fine, I didn't
want to play anyway!
FBI Agent 2: Well, then it
worked out for everybody!
FBI Agent 1: I'll draw boobs
on the Etch-A-Sketch!
FBI Agent 2: Go ahead, they
always come out square!
Sam: Oh, hi, Chris.
Chris: Hey. Listen, Sam. I
like hanging out with you and all. It's just that I don't
want a romantic relationship. But I'd like it if we could
still be friends.
Sam: I'd like that, too. Want
to go for a swim?
Chris: Sure. You're a girl?
Sam: Of course I am!
Chris: Oh, my God!
Stewie: [tuning banjo] Warm
out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.
[Lively Dixie music]
Stewie: â™ª Met her on my
CB, said her name was Venie â™ª â™ª Sounded like an angel
come to Earth â™ª
Southerners: â™ª Come to Earth
Stewie: â™ª When I went to
meet her â™ª â™ª Man you should've seen her â™ª â™ª Twice
as tall as me, three times the girth â™ª
Southerners: â™ª Girth â™ª
Stewie: â™ª Oh, my fat baby
loves to eat â™ª
'Southerners: â™ª Loves to
Stewie: â™ª A big ol' Buddha
belly and her breasts swing past her feet â™ª
Southerners: â™ª Feet â™ª
Stewie: â™ª My fat baby loves
All: â™ª Eat â™ª
Stewie: â™ª My big ol' fat-ass
baby loves to eat â™ª
Stewie: I'VE GOT BLISTERS
ON ME FINGERS!
Peter: A drop more of the
shine, my dear?
Lois: Yes, please.
Peter: You know, the kids
are gonna be at that town social for a while.
Lois: I think I know where
Peter: Ah, ah, ah! Oh, God!
FBI Agent 1: Hello, Mrs. Griffin?
Yeah. Sh. Shut up. You guys, shut up. Yeah, hi, this is
the FBI calling from your house.
Peter: Oh, God!
Lois: Oh, hi. How is everything?
FBI Agent 1: Good, good. Real
good. Real good. Listen, promise you won't be mad and it's
probably nothing, but you know that criminal who's after
your son? Yeah, he might know where you guys are.
Lois: What? Peter, that criminal
is on his way here to kill Chris!
Lois: We gotta call the sheriff!
Peter: Holy crap! I'm on it,
Lois! "Sheriff's Office." Yes, hello. This is Peter Griffin.
I'd like to report a dangerous criminal who may be coming
to town. "I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?" It's Peter
Lois: Wait a minute. You're
Peter: Hang on one sec, honey.
I'm on the phone. "Who's that?" My wife.
Lois: Chris is in danger!
Do something! Round up a posse!
Peter: Yeah, well, see, I
kind of pissed off the whole town at that Civil War reenactment.
Lois: What are we gonna do?
Peter: I don't know, Lois.
But I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.
Buck Owen: [Chuckling] Now,
[Lively country music playing]
Redneck 1: Sure is a ding-dang
of a hoedown.
Redneck 2: Uh-uh. This here's
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Redneck 1: Hoedown!
Redneck 2: Hootenanny!
Stewie: Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you. Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere
tractor, you're parked on top of a pig. John Deere tractor
on top of a pig.
Chris: Sam, can I talk to
Sam: Sure. But why aren't
you looking at me?
Chris: Well, that's the thing.
I'm no good at talking to girls. That's why I ran away from
Sam: well, you didn't have
trouble talking to me when you thought I was a boy.
Chris: Yeah, that's true.
Sam: Just pretend I'm a boy.
Sam: You want to go down to
the old town bridge and make out?
Chris: Yes, sir!
Meg: And in the city, glasses
are considered really sexy.
Boy: Dang! I hope her brother
don't already have dibs on her.
Brian: Where's Chris? That
criminal's here and he's after him.
Meg: He's down by the old
town bridge. You know, my brother is the one he's here to
Girl: My daughter would absolutely
[Sweet instrumental music]
Sam: You're so cute. You're
like a skinny Garth Brooks.
Robber: I got you now, Griffin!
Peter: Not so fast, buddy!
Robber: Who are you?
Peter: Oh, you can call me
Officer T.J. Hooker! Sheriff Officer T.J. Hooker! And this
is my deputy, McMillan and Wife.
Robber: Well, I hated T.J.
Hooker! And I never actually saw McMillan and Wife! Although
I was aware of it! Anyway, you're dead!
Robber: You're mine now, fella!
Chris: [Screaming] Dad! Help!
Sam's Father: You folks all
Peter: Wow! You guys saved
our lives. After I said that all Southern people have bad
teeth and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis.
Sam's Father: Well, we take
care of our own. And as long as y'all live here, y'all are
Peter: Wow, thanks!
Sam's Father: It's our pleasure.
Sam, I'll see you at home.
Peter: I think the lesson
here is it doesn't matter where you're from, as long as
we're all the same religion.
Teacher: It was great having
you in class, Meg.
Meg: Thanks. I'm really gonna
Student 1: We didn't have
no money for a present. So, we all just spit in a jar.
Sam: I can't believe you're
Chris: Me, either. I'll be
sure to write.
Sam: And I'll be sure to learn
Chris: And the next time I
see a dead guy I'm gonna poke him twice as hard for both
[Sentimental instrumental country
Lois: It's so nice to be home.
Answering Machine: You have
113 new messages.
Lois: Oh, my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just
wondering where the newspaper boy was.
Herbert: Haven't seen a newspaper
in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry
to leave you so many messages. Just Ionely here. Thinkin'
about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and
bring me some good news.
Herbert: Where are you?
Herbert: You're starting to
piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
[closing theme music]