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Peter is addressing the family,
who is sitting on the couch.
Peter: Everybody, I got bad
news: We've been canceled!
Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could
they do that?
Peter: Well, unfortunately,
Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just
got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific
shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's
Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe,
Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get
Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen,
A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh
Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric
the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis, and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes we might have a
Peter is watching television.
Brian: What are you watching,
Peter: Passion of the Christ. I tell you, Brian, I can't believe that this guy is just
lying there taking it. If it was me, I would have done something
Cut Scene: Peter is being lashed
with a cat-"o"-nine-tails.
Peter: AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!
AH! AH! AH! AH! Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Stop
Peter: All right.
End cut scene. Lois enters.
Lois: Hi boys.
Peter: I didn't have my hands
down my pants!
Lois: Hmmmm, good for you.
I got us some new sheets from Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Peter: Oh boy, I hope you
stayed away from the "Beyond" section.
Cut-Scene: Peter approaches the
"Beyond" Section. He opens the doors and enters a space-time
Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--Oh, here are the coffee mugs.
end cut scene.
Peter and Lois are in bed. Peter
is flipping through channels; Lois is reading a book. Lois
puts down the book and leans over to Peter
Lois: Honey, what do you say
we, uh, christen these new sheets, huh?
Peter: Why, Lois Griffin,
you naughty girl.
Lois: *giggles* That's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Peter: You filthy, stinking
Lois: Haha-OK, I get it.
Peter: You foul, venereal-disease-carrying,
Lois: All right, that's enough!
Peter and Lois's lovemaking is
making a creaking noise which others in the house can hear.
Stewie is asleep. In his dream he associates the creaking
with the creaking of his rocking chair. He says
Stewie: Aaaah, it's good to
Peter and Lois are making making
Lois: Oh, oh.... GEORGE!
Peter: George? Who the hell
Lois: George Clooney?
Peter: Our sex is so dull
for you that you got to fantasize about George Clooney?
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, I
guess that things have become a little stale for me.
Peter: Well I, I don't know
what to do, I mean I don't really know that much about any
kinky stuff. I mean I, I could hook this car battery up
to my nipples. AH! AH! AH! AH! OH GOD! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
OW! This doing it for ya? OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
Lois: Oh, I don't know. I
just don't feel that spark anymore; I mean... our honeymoon,
ah so much rugburn!
Peter: Wait a second, Lois,
that's what we need. We'll go on a second honeymoon!
Lois: *gasp* Peter, that's
a wonderful idea!
Peter: Yeah, we'll be just
like "The Honeymooners."
Cut Scene. It's the Honeymooners.
Ralph: One of these days,
Alice. One of these days.
Alice: Yeah, yeah I know,
Ralph; Right to the moon.
Laughter. Ralph punches Alice
in the face. The audience gasps and Ralph has a look of
shock on his face. He slowly backs towards the door and
sprints out. end cut scene.
Lois: Well that's everything.
Now, remember, kids, Brian is in charge while your father
and I are out at Cape Cod.
Brian: I'll take good care
of them, Lois, you guys have a good time.
Chris: Bye, mom, I LOVE YOU!
Stewie: You know, Brian if
i choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the
only one here to change me. What do you think of that? Hmmmmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change
Brian: I said I'm not going
to change you.
Stewie: Oh you can't be serious.
What if--what if i make a fudgie? Well I just wont. I just
won't, that's all, I just won't. BLAST! I just did.
Meg: AH! Chris, cut it out.
Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching
me with his finger!
Chris: What good is mining
nose gold if i cant share it with the townspeople?
Brian: I swear to god, these
kids are going to make me put a bullet through my head.
Stewie: Well, if I was in
charge, we wouldn't be having this problem right now.
Brian: Well, you've got some
ideas, tell me.
Stewie: Oh I'll tell you of
course. I'll want a favor in exchange.
Brian is changing Stewie.
Stewie: Ahahaha how does it
smell, dog, does it smell like servitude? Ahaha! Aft torpedos
Interior of car. Peter is driving
and Lois is sleeping.
Peter: Lois? Hey, Lois, honey?
Sweetheart? Peter swerves the car so Lois hits her head
on the window. Oh you,re awake, hey, will you pass me
Lois: Peter, where are we?
Peter: About two hours from
Cape Cod's most luxurious Bed & Breakfast.
Lois: Oh, Peter, this is going
to be so wonderful I'm so excited i want to prep my diaphragm
Peter: Hehehe. Gross. Hey
why don't you go back to sleep? I'll wake you when we get
Peter slides a comic book up in
front of the windshield, so he can't see where he's driving.
The comic appears to have Jughead near a pile of hamburgers.
Peter: Hehehehehe, look at
all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers,
you stupid fellow--Peter realizes he's swerving off the
road. Oh jeeze! Peter rights the car and then slides
the comic back up. Oh! he's going to do it. Oh, he's
so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man?? You're
The car crashes into a tree.
Lois: Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you? I fall asleep for ten minutes and you
plow the car into a tree? Oh my god, you got to pay attention
to the road! We could have been killed! Will you look at
the front of our car? It's totaled, it's completely totaled!
Oh this is terrific, how are we gonna get--oh my god, I
knew I should have driven. I should always drive. I can
not trust you--
During the above rant, Peter starts
to slide the comic book back up into his field of vision,
this time blocking Lois.
Peter and Lois are in a rundown
Lois: Dear God, this is where
Peter: Aw, come on Lois. They
said they'd have the car fixed by tomorrow and then our
second honeymoon's [is this wrong?] be right back
on track, eh?
Lois: Peter, there's a hooker
on the bed.
Peter: Stand perfectly still
Lois, their vision is based on movement.
Hooker: where'd you go?
'Chris and Meg are watching television
TV Announcer: And now back
to "Two and a Half Men"
Two and a Half Men appears to
be about....two men and then half of another. The torso
of the half man cries out.
Torso: AAAAAAAAAH! Help me!
Meg: Turn it Chris, I wanna
watch George Lopez.
Chris: That show only encourages
the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. Give me that.
Meg: Chris give me the remote.
Chris stop. Chris! Chris grabs her hat. *gasp* My
Chris: stuffs the hat down
his pants. Ahahaha! Wear it now!
Brian: Hey, uh, uh, you two
better settle down. Chris, give Meg her hat.
Chris: I don't have to listen
to you. You're a dog; you don't have a soul.
Stewie: Don't take that. Raise
your voice to them.
Brian: HEY! Knock it off! Chris and Meg immediately behave. You kids are obviously
in need of some type of activity so uh I don't know what
do you say we read a book or something. Stewie, What does
Peter have on his bookshelf?
Stewie: Uh, two "Garfield"
books and the novelization of the movie "Caddyshack."
Brian: Reading to everyone. "Nananananananananana," said Ty, sinking yet another ball.
"Nananananananananana." phone rings Oh hang on.
Meg: Oh thank god.
Stewie: Reading Garfield
at Large by Jim Davis. Now as you can see in this panel,
Garfield doesn't care for Nermal. But like him or not, Nermal
is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on.
Brian: over phone OK,
I'll be there. To Stewie Peter and Lois were supposed
to chaperone Chris's school dance tomorrow night. So I guess
it's up to me.
Stewie: You mean it's up to
us. Clearly you need my help with this parenting thing you're
too stupid to do it alone. Besides I know how to deal with
children unlike Mr. Gepetto.
Cutaway scene of Pinocchio and
Gepetto: Oh no, I dropped
my glasses. bends over, away from Pinocchio, to pick
them up. Uh, by the way, Pinocchio, there was a cookie
missing from the jar. Did you, uh did you take it by any
Pinocchio: Yes, papa Gepetto,
Gepetto: Are you sure you
took it? Because I'd believe you if you said you didn't.
Pinocchio: No I took it, papa.
I wouldn't lie to you.
Gepetto: You could try and,
who knows, you might get away with it.
Cutaway ends. Peter and Lois.
Peter: 900 bucks to fix the
car that was all the money we had for this trip.
Lois: the second honeymoon
was a sepcial thought but maybe we should just go home
Tom Tucker: Coming up, handsome
moustachioed man recaps news in pleasing baritone. Stay
tuned for this and more.
Diane Simmons: But first,
Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is on hand for the opening
of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.
Tricia Takanawa: Diane, I'm
standing outside the Park Barrington Hotel, because they
dont allow Asians inside.
Peter: Fancy place. Boy, that
would make some second honeymoon, huh?
Tricia Takanawa: The Park
Barrington is already attracting some big names, such as
Christianity enthusiast Mel Gibson who has his own room
on permannt reserve. A room which he barely uses.
Peter: Barely uses, huh? Lois,
I just got an idea much better than that time I experimented
with gene splicing.
Cutaway scene of Peter walking
into the kitchen. He has a moose head.
Peter: Uh, Lois, quick question:
do we have any tylenol?
Cut to Chris's school dance
Stewie: Oh, how I envy them,
dog. They've got their whole lives ahead of them.
Brian: Oh man, look at that
kid. That is one ugly eighth grader.
Herbert: You dont want to
hurt yourself dancing. Make sure you stretch out those creamy
Interior of the men's room.
Friend: Come on Chris its
just vodka. Jake swiped it from his dad's liquor cabinet.
Jake: Yeah, see? it's good!
Chris: Well, OK maybe just
Teacher: Christopher Griffin,
is that alcohol? Mister, you are in serious trouble.
G.I. Joe: He's absolutely
right, kids, because when you drink nobody wins. In fact
last year alone there were over 27,000 deaths from chronic
liver disease as a result of alcohol abuse.
Kids: Now we know!
G.I. Joe: And knowing is half
Lois: Peter, we can't afford
Peter: No, but Mel Gibson
can. Puts on hat, flips up collar, and approaches desk Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gisbon here for the key to my specially
Clerk: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter: Yes, I've put on a
few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin a heroic
warrior who defied the English, to free England from the
Clerk: Holy mackerel! Let
me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson.
In the room.
Lois: Peter, the toilet paper
is made of money.
Peter: Yeah, and look at this:
they even have some of that high class English porn.
Man on TV: Almost...almost...almost....there
Woman on TV: Well done.
Cut to Brian and Stewie lecturing
Chris in the car.'
Stewie: Did you think you
were "cool"? did you think you were "grown-up"?
Chris: I didn't actually drink
any of it. Besides, Jake Tucker gave it to me.
Stewie: Well, we are going
to have a talk with Jake's parents tomorrow after my burping.
Brian: In the meantime, you're
Chris: Aw, that sucks.
Stewie: Do you want us to
Chris: I don't care what you
Stewie: Oh we'll pull over.
We'll pull over. Pull over.
Stewie is spanking Chris.
Chris: AAH! ahaha!! WAAAAH!
Stewie: If your teachers ask
about your bruises, what do you tell them?
Chris: I got hit by a baseball!
Cut to Lois and Peter in the Gibson
Lois: Ooooooh, Mel!
Peter: turns on the light. Mel? Wait a minute, you were fantasizing about Mel Gibson.
You--you don't find me attractive anymore.
Lois: Honey, I'm sorry, I
know you're trying but you can't rush the spark back into
Peter: Well, then I guess
this whole second honeymoon was a waste of time. I don't
want to talk about it. I'm just going to watch british porn.
Man on TV: You know, Maragaret,
we could have sexual intercourse right now.
Woman on TV: Yes, yes, we
Man on TV: Hmmm, but let's
Cut to Stewie and Brian in bed.
Stewie: Do you think we were
too hard on Chris tonight?
Brian: What? oh no no no I
don't think so. Do you?
Stewie: Oh no, I just always
feel bad when we have to be strict. Ah, did I remember to
turn the stove off? Yes.
Cut to Lois and Peter in the Gibson
Lois: I'm sorry for everything
that's happened, Peter. I guess I'm going through a phase
right now where I'm only attracted to handsome men.
Peter: Well, what are we supposed
to do, Lois,just admit that there's no excitement left in
our marriage, go home and spend the rest of our lives looking
at each other across the breakfast table talking about how
much we both like Total?
Lois: Oh, I love Total.
Peter: Ooooh, actually, so
do I, and it's healthy for you too--oh god it's startin'
already. Lois we are screwed.
Lois: Woooow. Mel Gibson's
secret screenin' room
Peter: Hey, what's this?
Peter starts playing the reel.
It's a movie trailer.
Announcer: In the year 33
A man slides back a rock.
Guy: The messiah! He's gone!
Other guy: Where did he go?
Jesus Hang on.
Chris Tucker and Jesus in a car
in a high speed action sequence.
Chris Tucker: Man you crazy,
Jesus! You crazy!
Jesus: That's what my ex-wife
Chris Tucker: For the son
of God, you sure are the son of a--WHoooaa!
Announcer: Chris Tucker. And
Jim Ca--Caziva---Cav-Caviziel? Is that it? The guy from
the first one? Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This!
Jesus: holds a gun out
for Chris Tucker. You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: holds a joint
out for Jesus. You know how to use one of these?
Announcer: This July, let
he who is without sin kick the first ass.
Peter: Oh man, that's all
we need: more Mel Gibson Jesus mumbo jumbo. Well, not if
I have anything to say about it. I am going to make sure
this never sees the lght of day
Lois: Peter, are you crazy?
Stealing Mel Gibson's towels, bathrobes, and nazi paraphernelia
is one thing, but this is a multi-million dollar film an
he's a very powerful man he could have us arrested or killed.
Peter: Well it's worth the
risk, Lois. To save the world another 2 hours of torture.
We've got to get rid of this thing for the sake of Jesus
and Snoopy and all the other beloved children's characters.
Priest: Pardon me. We work
for Mel Gibson. Seems he left something very valuable in
his room and we're here to retrieve it.
Clerk: Mr. Gibson just checked
out a moment ago. There he goes now.
Peter: Uh-oh. lois, run.
Priest: Hey! Stop!
He flings his collar which has
blades on either end. Lois and Peter exit out the door and
the two priests pursue them. Tricia Takanawa enters the
Tricia turns around, head hung,
and exits. Commercial Break
Lois: They're gaining on us.
Oh, we never should've stolen this film.
Peter: Oh, man. This is even
more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down.
Cut scene. Peter approaches a
chair and stares at it. After a moment of pondering, he
leaps at it, breaking the chair and contorting his limbs.
End cut scene.
Peter: Don't worry, Lois,
I think I know how to lose em.
Blues Brothers chase scene through
Lois: Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
Peter: Lois trust me. How
many times have I done this before?
Lois: All right, but be careful.
The priests crash and Lois and
Peter escape out of the mall. Brian and Stewie are outside
Tom Tuckers house. Brian rings the bell.
Brian: OK, now be polite and
for God's sake don't mention anything about his kid's face
Stewie: Oh, shut up. I am
alwys so polite.
Brian: Heh, I hope we dont
wind up on the evening news because of this.
Stewie: He he he. You're funny.
Tom Tucker: Ah Brian! Please
come in. Can my wife, Stacy get you anything?
Stacy Tucker :Go to hell,
Tom Tucker: Already there,
Brian: Well, uh, Mr. Tucker
it seems your son Jake had some vodka at the school dance
and Chris got blamed for it. This, uh, this whole situation
has turned his life upside-down face.
Stewie slowly gives Brian an awkward
Tom Tucker: Well it's no concern
of mine if it turned his life upside-down face. Jakes a
good boy, aren't you Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah!
Brian: Look Mr. Tucker I...
Tom Tucker: We're though here.
Get out of my house Benji!
Brian: Well fine, if you're
going to be that way about it maybe I'll do this.
Brian begins scooting around on
Brian: Yeah, look at this.
Tom Tucker: Stop that!
Brian: Oh yeah, you don't
Tom Tucker: Stop doing that
on my carpet.
Brian: This is what Benji
Tom Tucker: Stop it! Stop
Brian: It feels so good, it
feels so good.
Cut to Brian & Stewie driving
in the car.
Brian: There's got to be a
way to get back at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris.
Stewie: I know, I know, I
know, let's plant drugs in his locker.
Brian: Oh my god, that's a
Stewie: I thought you'd like
that. Hey look at that Yosemite Sam mudflap. You better
stay back Brian. nyeeeh.
Cut back to Peter & Lois in
Peter: *sigh* Think we lost
'em. You stay here I'm gunna go bury this film.
Peter begins to bury the film.
Peter: Well Mel Gibson, this
is one piece of crap the world will never have to suffer
through. Hehehehe, I am so clever. That's why they picked
me to convince Congress to go to war.
Cut scene to Peter at the House
Man at Podium: There is no
just cause for an invasion of Iraq.
Peter: Well that may be, but
what we're all forgetting is anyone who doesn't want to
go to war, is gay.
Congressman #1: I want to
go to war.
All of Congress: Oh yes, yes
yes yes, (ect.)
Speaker of the House: I was
the first one who wanted to go to war!
Cut back to Peter who looks off
into the distance only to see a plane heading towards him.
Peter: (while running) AAAH!
Two priets apprehend Lois
Lois: Aaaah! Peter!
Plane takes off leaving behind
The note says: Bring the film
to my house on the top of Mount Rushmore in three days,
or your wife dies --M. Gibson (camera pans down) Also, don't
miss "Bird on a Wire", Tuesday night on TBS Superstation."
(The letter is in all caps).
Cut to Mount Rushmore, zooming
in on Mel Gibsons home.
Mel Gibson: Don't take this
personally Mrs. Griffin. I'm doing this because I have to.
Lois: What are you gonna do?
(in suductive tone) Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
Mel Gibson: As soon as your
husband gives me what I want, you're free to go.
Peter busts in through the door.
Peter: Anybody home?
Lois: *gasp* Peter!
Peter: All right, Gibson I
want my wife back...or a woman of equal physical attractiveness.
Mel Gibson: Where's the film?
Peter throws film to Gibsons feet.
Peter: Come on, honey let's
get out of here.
Lois: Peter you're just going
to give him the film?
Peter: Don't worry Lois there's
a dog turd in there, but by the time he finds out well be
Mel Gibson: There's a dog
turd in here.
Peter: Uh-oh. Lois...
Peter and Lois jump out a glass
Peter & Lois: Aaaah!
Cut back to Mel Gibson as his
two priest goons prepare to chase Peter & Lois
Mel Gibson: No, wait! I'll
deal with them myself.
Pulls out gun and fires the lock
off the a safe. Drops gun only to open safe and withdraw
Cut to Peter & Lois on top
of Mount Rushmore
Lois: We're on top of the
Peter: Holy crap!
Mel Gibson fires towards them.
Peter & Lois: Ah!
Peter & Lois begin to scale
down Mount Rushmore only to be fired at again.
Peter: You know I know this
is the wrong time to be starstruck but, Mel Gibson is shooting
Lois falls while screaming barely
grasping hold of George Washingtons upper lip.
Lois: Peter help!
Peter:Aw, man. I'm comin'
Peter begins to dangle on George
Peter: Heheheheh. Look, Lois
im a booger. Hehhehe.
Lois: Peter for god's sake.
Peter: Ok, Ok, grab my hand.
Mel Gibson appears and cocks his
Peter & Lois: *gasp*
Mel Gibson: And now Mr Griffin,
I want that film.
Peter: Oh sure it's right
over there in President Rushmore's mouth.
Mel Gibson turns and walks over
the edge falling to his death.
Lois: Oh my god, he just walked
right over the edge.
Peter: Of course he did, Christians
don't believe in gravity.
Peter & Lois climb back to
the top of Mount Rushmore.
Lois: Peter it's back.
Peter: What that rash?
Lois: No no the spark. Honey
I have never been more attracted to you than I am right
Peter: Really wow, so I guess
this honeymoon was just the kind of excitement our marriage
needed. I guess it just goes to show that...
Lois: Shutup and let's do
Camera pans out to full view of
Lois: Oh, oh, oh Peter!
George Washington: Hey Jefferson
check it out. Chick gettin nailed on my head.
Thomas Jefferson: Sweet. Hey
Teddy pass the word down to Frankenstein.
Abraham Lincolin: Oh ha ha.
Back to the Griffin house where
Meg, Brian & Stewie are watching TV.
Tom Tucker: In local news
a Buddy Cianci Jr. high school student has been arrested
for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced
to 200 hours of community service and is a very bad boy.
We now go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast.
Ollie Williams: HE GON GET
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie.
Back in the livingroom.
Meg: So you actually put coke
in that kid's locker?
Meg: Wow, where'd you get
Brian: Oh I got a guy.
Greased-up deaf guy enters.
Greased-up deaf guy: Dont
let it get the best of you. I used to be a lawyer. See you
next week. Good to be back, America.