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Theme Song

Tom Tucker: ...Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod, Shep Sutton, Scott McCormack. And that concludes the list of people who were mean to me in junior high. Tomorrow, high school. Finally, we go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler.

Tricia Takanawa: Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street where several Quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. So, what do you call this device, Paul?

Paul: It's an iron lung. It keeps me from dying. I want to play baseball!

Tricia Takanawa: And with me is one of Paul's classmates, Chris Griffin, who helped organize this charity event. You're a very thoughtful young man, Chris.

Chris: Can I say hello to my mom?

Tricia Takanawa: Sure.

Chris: Hi, Mom!

Lois: Hi, sweetheart!

Stewie: Okay, so, you want the full wash and, uh...oh, you've got a nick there. I can probably get that out for you. Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got PB & J, Sugar Cereal, and New Toy. What the deuce?

Chris: Hey, somebody dropped a money clip.

Meg: Wow! $26.

Chris: I've never seen so much money at one time!

Meg: What do you think should we do with it?

Stewie: I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. Oh, We can dish, talk about who's getting fat. Oh, we'll just be great big bitches.

Joe: Hold on, kids. That's not your money yet. The law says you gotta put up signs and wait two weeks for someone to claim it. If no one does, it's yours. Ah, lunch is here.

Lois: Everyone, we've reached our goal! It looks like somebody's gonna live to see puberty.

Brian: My God! That man just took our money!

Joe: What man?

Lois: He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like that robber in that Keanu Reeves movie.

Joe: The Matrix?

Lois: No, no, no. It wasn't that recent. It was the one where they were jumping out of a plane...

Joe: Executive Decision?

Lois: No, that was with Kurt Russell. But the other guy in this movie, he kind of looks Kurt Russell...

Meg: He's getting away!

Joe: Don't worry. He won't get far.

[Siren wails]

Joe: Stop! Police!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Joe: [Gasping for breath]

Peter: Joe, what happened?

Joe: I got the money.

Peter: All right, Joe!

Joe: But I lost the perp.

Lois: Well, the money's the important thing. Now little Paul can get his...Point Break! That was the movie!

Cleveland: Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life.

Joe: Don't you understand? I lost the perp! I lost the perp! [Sobbing] [Screaming]

Meg: So, um, the $26 would probably be safe in my room.

Stewie: Right. It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and.... Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? Morgan Freeman.

Chris: Well, we can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil.

Evil Monkey: Honey, good news! I made partner! [Angry shrieking]

Lois: Peter, Bonnie says Joe's been really depressed about that robbery. Why don't you go talk to him?

Peter: I don't know. There's a game on.

Angel Peter: Shame on you! You march right over there, and cheer your old friend up!

Devil Peter: Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game.

Peter: Yeah. That sounds good. Oh, my God!

Angel Peter: Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's!

Peter: Look, buddy, I...

Angel Peter: Move!

Peter: All right. Just take it easy, just take it easy, man. Everything's cool. Hey, buddy.

Joe: Close the door! I don't want to see the light.

Peter: Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? Hey, what do you say you and me go roller-skate...bike ride...jump rope...go lay on the grass?

Joe: Peter, the other day was the first time I've ever lost a perp. It was also the first time I've ever really felt handicapped. I've made up my mind about this. I'm quitting the force.

Peter: Oh, come on, Joe. You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. You could be a desk.

Joe: Forget it! I'm washed up.

Tom Tucker: In local news, Quahog will soon play proud host to the Special People's Games. If you and/or a friend are disabled and would like to challenge yourself and raise your self-esteem, sign up today!

Peter: Joe, that's it! You got to compete in the Special People's Games.

Joe: Gosh! I-I don't know, Peter. Do you really think I can?

Peter: Hey, I'm the guy that believed you could be a desk. Come on! I'll even be your coach!

Joe: All right! Let's do it!

Tom Tucker: Coming up in this half hour, our undercover expose on conveniently placed news reports in television shows. But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard.

Finneous: Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room.

Barnaby: You don't say!

Finneous: Gave him a cauliflower ear.

Barnaby: Bully!

Peter: Come on! Come on! Two more.

Joe: Peter, you're pushing me too hard.

Peter: Trust me, Joe. I know physical fitness. I was in Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to Books on Tape.

Mitch Albom: The Red Sox were in town. But I didn't care because it was Tuesday, and I was on my way to see Morrie. He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore. But his indomitable spirit...

Peter: So, how does he check out, Doc? Is my boy ready to compete?

Dr. Hartman: Um, I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. You're paralyzed from the waist down.

Joe: I know.

Dr. Hartman: Oh, thank God! Oh, God, I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! Boy, is that a load off!

Peter: Mort, Joe here's gonna be competing in the Special People's Games. You got anything that might give him extra juice?

Mort: You mean steroids? But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens to those ladies on ESPN2? They get big hair faces, and their breasts become like flapjacks!

Peter: I was thinking more like a protein shake.

Mort: Oh, God, I'm sorry! Aisle 3, next to the creams. Ooh, I don't like saying that word.

Announcer: We now return to Touched by an Angel.

Lawyer: Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?

Boy: Here.

Angel: Oh, come on! Who're you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

Meg: 'Bye! I'm going to the mall!

Chris: What are you going to the mall for?

Meg: Don't worry. The $26 is safe.

Stewie: Safe, huh? The skirt's trying to pull a fast one. Knuckles, get the handbag!

Chris: Right, boss!

Meg: Hey! Give me my purse, you psycho!

Stewie: Let's see. Makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg in a two-piece swimsuit. Oh, God! I pray this is not my first memory!

Brian: Look, everybody cool it! I am not going to put up with this racket for two weeks. I'll hold onto the money. I'm a neutral party, so it'll be safe.

Chris: Okay.

Meg: All right.

Stewie: I suppose we can trust you.

Meg: Now, where is it?

Stewie: What the...oh, very clever. Take another reach. You forgot your change.

Tom Tucker: Hello, and welcome to the Quahog Special People's Games. I'm Tom Tucker.

Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. It's a great day to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not.

Tom Tucker: It sure is, Diane. Today we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. You'll cheer, you'll cry, you might even get a cheap laugh or two.

Diane Simmons: I know I will, Tom. In fact, there's the distinct possibility that, by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell.

Tom Tucker: I'll see you there, Diane.

Diane Simmons: Oh, it sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun. There are the paraplegics. Followed by the blind team.

Tom Tucker: Still no sign of the deaf team, I notice.

[Phones ringing, alarms buzzing] [Knocking]

Man 1: Hey, you guys are gonna be late!

Man 2: Maybe they're not in there.

Diane Simmons: And now, we turn our attention to the lighting of the flame.

Tom Tucker: And these games are underway! We begin with the 100-meter dash for people afraid of yellow tape.

Diane Simmons: It's anybody's race now, Tom!

Tom Tucker: And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya!

Joe: The decathlon. I don't know. That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter.

Peter: Joe, look at me! Look at me! Do I have food in my teeth?

Joe: No.

Peter: Oh, great. Thank God! Now, listen here, Joe. You and I both know you have what it takes to win this thing. So, get out there and do it, huh?

Disabled Ass: That gold medal is mine, pretty boy. You don't have a chance in Hell.

Joe: He may be right, Peter.

Peter: Joe, he's an android. Don't let him push you around. You can do this. I know you can.

Joe: Yeah. Yeah! Hey, you think you're so hot, fella? Well, at least I can do this. [Sings arpeggio]

Disabled Ass: [Sings monotone] Oh, crap!

Joe: Let's do it!

Tom Tucker: Let's go to the first decathlon event of the day, the pole vault, where Joe Swanson takes his starting position.

Peter: Yeah! Way to go, Joe!

Joe: Yeah! How do you like that, buddy?

Disabled Ass: A sphincter says what?

Joe: What?

Disabled Ass: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You stupid bastard.

Stewie: Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading. Ah, Dostoyevsky-the Mad Russian. Good stuff, good stuff.

Brian: You're not gonna get the $26, and you're despicable for trying.

Stewie: Oh, you thought.... I wasn't trying to get the $26. I thought we were just having a perfectly innocent conversation about literature. Oh, you're silly. You're silly. I love that you'd go there. You're silly. Good-bye.

Tom Tucker: We'll take you to bulimic pie-eating in just a moment. But first, decathlon front-runner Joe Swanson, will attempt the long jump.

Peter: Come on, Joe! Break a wheel!

Joe: I'm ready. Let's get it on!

[Crowd cheers]

Tom Tucker: Ooh, short jump. That'll knock him out of the lead. Tough break.

Diane Simmons: Tough break it is, Tom.

Tom Tucker: Good contribution, Diane. If Swanson expects to take the gold he's going to have to come in first in the final event, the 100-meter dash.

Peter: That's okay, Joe. You can still win this thing.

Disabled Ass: That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom-shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka boom.

Joe: Peter, it's over.

Peter: Over? What are you talking about?

Joe: If I couldn't catch a two-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race?

Peter: Hey, what kind of talk is that? It's un-American! Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit gettin' arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...

Joe: I get the message, Peter.

[music to Jim Croce's "I Got a Name"]

Mort: ♪ And I carry it with me like my daddy did ♪ ♪ If you're goin my way, I'll go with you. ♪ ♪ Movin' me down the highway ♪

Joe: Gee, Peter! This water tastes kinda funny.

Peter: You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elayne Boosler, "God bless her, she's trying" funny?

Referee: Racers, on your mark!

Peter: Go get 'em, Joe!

Referee: Get set!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Peter: Yeah!

Tom Tucker: And Joe Swanson wins the gold medal!

Peter: You did it, Joe!

Joe: We did it, Peter!

[crowd cheering]

Child: Mommy, look at the ladybu-aaah!

Jim Kaplan: Hey, Greased Lightnin'!

Joe: Do I know you?

Jim Kaplan: Jim Kaplan, sports agent. You like this car?

Joe: Yeah.

Jim Kaplan: It's yours. You like my pants?

Joe: Uh, sure.

Jim Kaplan: They're yours! You know what a merkin is?

Joe: No.

Jim Kaplan: Pubic wig. I got one. You want it?

Joe: No!

Jim Kaplan: Course, you don't, you're a classy guy! You want to be rich?

Joe: Yes!

Jim Kaplan: Sign here.

Peter: What the hell? I just don't understand how he could do that without me. We were gonna do everything together!

Brian: It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal.

Peter: Yeah, I guess.

Announcer: Coming to ABC, the simple story of a man and his chair. Rolling Courage: the Joe Swanson Story.

Peter: What the hell is this?

Announcer: Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. Once a man at his physical peak, brought down by a cruel twist of fate.

Tony Danza: Why?

Announcer: With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie.

Valerie Bertinelli: Joe, you've got to accept your limitations.

Tony Danza: Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die?

Valerie Bertinelli: I can't live like this anymore!

Tony Danza: That's it!

Peter: That's not how it happened! It was my idea!

Announcer: With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin.

Bea Arthur: You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now?

Tony Danza: No. I've got to try! Even if it's by myself.

Bea Arthur: You're a fool, Joe! A fool!

Announcer: Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story. Friday on ABC, followed by Dharma and Greg-but you don't have to watch that.

Peter: I don't believe this. Joe wouldn't be famous if it hadn't been for me. How come he's getting all the glory?

Brian: He's handicapped. That's what makes his story so inspirational.

Peter: Handicapped...hmmm. Aaah! How did these get up here?

Chris: What the hell is this, Brian?

Brian: It's my new passport. What are you doing going through my mail?

Meg: You weren't planning on going somewhere with our $26, were you?

Brian: Oh, for God's sake! I just had the damn thing renewed! What's the matter with you?

Stewie: You're obviously taking us for saps. But we're not. Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon.

<Stewie at art gallery>

Stewie: John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John?

Brian: You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other.

Stewie: All right, I know how to settle this. Whoever wants the money raise your hand! Ho, ho, you're smarter than I thought. Give yourselves a round of applause. Damn!

Tom Tucker: Yeah, honey, I'm gonna be late tonight. I've got a hooker coming over. Well, I know it's late notice, but what about the pool guy? He likes you.

Intern: Mr. Tucker, Mr. Griffin's here to see you.

Tom Tucker: I got to go.

Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me, starring Valerie Bertandernie.

Tom Tucker: But, Mr. Griffin...

Peter: I even got the first piece you're gonna run-exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. "Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! Aaeeee! I'm handicapped now! Ah!"

Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter: Oh, come on!

Tom Tucker: And when I freeze-frame...that's you driving the car.

Peter: Well, there's your hook!

Tom Tucker: Get out.

Mayor West: Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsie, out of the old stove pipe of my grandmother's cabin. Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon, and we're here to honor him.

Peter: Backstabber.

Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm sure Joe's gonna acknowledge you. You'll see.

Peter: Don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.

Joe: Thank you, thank you. You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. It takes friends. And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. My friend Peter...Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks. But that's nothing compared to what this next man did. He challenged me to go that extra mile. And that man is Mr. Griffin...Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration, thank you, sir. And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here!

Paul Prudhomme: Why? I didn't even do anything!

Peter: That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! Mr. Steroid! That's how he won!

Joe: That's not true!

Peter: Yes, it is. I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race.

[crowd booing]

Joe: I'm sorry, everybody. I've let you all down.

Disabled Ass: Yes. You suck. I rule. Who da man? Who da man? Who da man?

Meg: All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring.

Chris: Well then, let's all go to bed.

Stewie: Off we go then.

[Thunder clapping]

Meg: Stop!

[Punching, kicking, yelling] [Doorbell rings]

Brian: Did you find the place okay?

Mr. Taylor: No problem.

Brian: Hey, kids!

Stewie: I only had soup. I don't see why we should split the bill evenly.

Brian: Wake up! This is Mr. Taylor. He's here for the money clip.

Meg: Oh!

Chris: Oh!

Stewie: [a la Charlie Brown] Aauughh!

Lois: Peter, you should go talk to him. After all, you set out to make him feel better, and now he's worse than ever.

Peter: I don't know, Lois. He's probably waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit.

Lois: I think those days are over now, Peter.

Peter: Uh, hey there.

Joe: Uh, hi, Peter.

Peter: Listen, Joe, about this whole mess...

Joe: Hold it, Peter! That's the car-wash thief!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Mr. Taylor: A-ha! Tough luck, wheelie!

Joe: Yeah, for you! I'm Joe, your waiter. Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! And order the souffle now, 'cause it takes 10 to 15 years!

[at the Drunken Clam]

Joe: Hey, Peter, I really appreciate what you did for me.

Peter: What do you mean?

Joe: Well, that slimy agent had me believing the hype. I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. Oh, and by the way, I'm going back to the force.

Peter: Good for you. Hey, what happened to the car-wash thief?

Joe: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.

Peter: Looks like you got more competition at next year's games, huh?

Joe: Nope, he's dead.

[Theme music]