Family Guy Fun
 

Running Mates    

Transcribed by Eric Hynds
http://www.quahog5news.com

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Production Code: 1ACX09

Original Air Date: 4/11/00

TV Guide Summary: Lois decides to run for the school board, which thrills Stewie who will be somewhat unsupervised during her campaign. Lois runs unopposed until Peter joins the race in order to get his favorite teacher reinstated. He immediately starts negative campaigning that spreads lies about Lois and shows sexy photos of her... His tactics work and Peter is elected. His first order of business is to replace the hall monitors with robots. Ultimately, his new policies backfire when Peter allows Chris to bring porno mags to school and protests erupt. Peter must publicly apologize in order to win Lois back and save face with the town of Quahog.

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STEWIE

 [Stewie sat in garden eating soil] I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine. Ehemm, mmm! Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another you say? Well aren't I the wicked one.

LOIS

 Stewie, I told you before don't eat dirt. It's disgusting.

STEWIE

 Oh, and I suppose the bilios curds you force fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then.

LOIS

Glenn would you mind holding Stewie?

QUAGMIRE

 Heh heh said and done. Well hey there spud with the mud.

STEWIE

 Oh good Lord do you bathe in Aqua Velva?

CLEVELAND

 Hi Lois. You've got our votes.

LOIS

 Thank you Cleveland. Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Labowe. She actually opposes background checks for new teachers. God knows who she might hire.

        [Flash to a math classroom]

TEACHER

So, the square of the hypotenuse which we will label “C” making the sides opposite, both of the acute angles “A” and “B” will always equal the sum of the other sides. [Teacher hands a student a note that reads, “do you like me?”]  Any questions?

LOIS

 It's just something I have to do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family.

STEWIE

 Out of the house. Why I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy. What the deuce are you standing here for? You should be out giving speeches shaking hands and kissing babies. [Lois kisses him] Not this baby.

PETER

 Hey Lois, you seen my pants? [Laughter from studio audience] Boy will I be glad when that studio audience moves out of town.

PETER

 Hey Lois, what's with the sign?

LOIS

 Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.

PETER

 Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire... hey Lois, what's with the sign?

BRIAN

 You guys. Chris' principle just called. Chris is in trouble.

STUDIO AUDIENCE

Oooooohhhh.

PETER

 Oh, that's it I'm calling the cops.

        [Peter, Lois and Chris in the Principle's office.]

PRINCIPLE

Mr. Griffin I'm afraid I have some bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girl’s locker room.

LOIS

Oh Chris!

PETER

 So what's the big deal? It's normal for boys his age to be curious. I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop.

        [Flashback - a young Peter is sat in a school auditorium]

PRINCIPLE

Welcome to 8th grade orientation everyone [breasts start to sprout on all the females around Peter and then on Peter himself] uhmm locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch period.  Uh, if you have any questions about your locker assignment or class schedule, uh please come…

        [Outside the Principle's office]

LOIS

 We'll continue this discussion tonight young man. A women is not an object.

PETER

 Your mother's right son. Listen to what it says.

LOIS

 Peter!

PETER

 Uhhh… I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

LEE MAJORS

What? Women are things.

PETER

 Oh my God. It's Mr. Fargas. He was my favorite teacher.

        [Flashback - Peter is sat in one of Mr. Fargas' classes]

MR. FARGAS

 Take out your scalpels kids, today we're going to dissect… a clown! Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy.

LOIS

Wow, why don’t you go say hello?  I’m gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers lounge.

PETER

 Hey hey Mr. Fargas, It's me Peter Griffin.

MR. FARGAS

Griffin, Griffin. Sorry not on the list.

PETER

 Aww don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. You taught me everything. Math, science. You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom.

        [Flashback - Peter being taught how to dance by Mr. Fargas]

MR. FARGUS

Well Peter you start like this!

             [Dances]

PETER

Like this?

             [Dances]

MR. FARGUS

Yeah now add a little turn and do a buckin-whit

PETER

Come on Mr. Fargus do the whole darn thing!

        [End flashback]

PETER

 Geeze what happened to you? Someone give you a funectamy?

MR. FARGAS

 No, they gave me these by order of the school board. They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly off the handle like that.

PETER

 Let me see that… [Throws pills away] That is what I think of you taking chill pills from the man. The old Farge made learning fun and that’s what these kids need.  Now get back in that classroom and teach your Farging ass off.

        [Back at the Griffin's house, Peter is stood outside Chris' door.  Hears a weird noise…]

        [Peter knocks on the door]

CHRIS

 Don't come in… just a minute!

PETER

 Chris, you mother wants me and you to have a talk

[Peter opens door]

CHRIS

 [Bouncing ball on paddle] Aww I was going for a new record.

PETER

 Now son as men it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers.

MR. ROGERS

[Looking through binoculars] Hello neighbor... awwww.

PETER

 But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this [box of porno mags].

CHRIS

 Wow Miss December.

PETER

 Heh, yep. The old skin bin. Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal.

CHRIS

Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?

PETER

 Hey give me that… just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heheh...

CHRIS

 Alright Dad!  Hey Dad, thanks.

       

        [Peter leaves, closes door, hears that noise again, and realizes he has Chris’s pattle]

        [In the kitchen]

MEG

 Mom, If you get elected to the school board can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?

LOIS

 Oh honey, of course I can. But winning without honor isn't really winning at all isn't that right Milli?

MILLI

No it's just as good. [Dances]

STEWIE

 Cease this prattling! This campaign literature must be posted today if we are going to get you into office and out of my life you festering strumpet.

PETER

 Hey you guys… hey Lois, you running for school board?

MEG

 Look Chris' school is on TV [Meg points at television].

DIANE

 The egg drop; an annual tradition for junior high school science students.

TOM

 But today, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randal Fargas seems to have gone horribly horribly wrong. We now go live to action news 5 Asian correspondent Trisha Takanowa.

TRICIA

Well Tom the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor.

PETER

 Welcome back Fargas.

LOIS

 Oh my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth.

PETER

 No Lois the janitor will do that.

TRICIA

Tom, I'm getting word that the Quahog school board has just dismissed Randal Fargas effectively ending his 32 year teaching career.

PETER

 What? They can't do that.

LOIS

 Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.

DIANE

 In other news, Betsy Labowe a candidate for school board president announced today she is pulling out of the race.  Labowe’s withdrawal now leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed.

LOIS

 Oh my goodness I win by default!

PETER

 Oh great you can give Fargas his job back!

LOIS

 I'm sorry but I do have a mind of my own and I happen to agree with the school boards decision.

PETER

 Yeah, yeah I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable but this is grown up time and I'm the man.

LOIS

 I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that’s final.

PETER

 Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas! I’m going to stop you the only way I can… by killing you... in the race for school board president.

        [In the front garden, Peter is putting up signs for the poll]

BRIAN

 Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.

PETER

 Hey, hey I can be just as noncompetitive as anybody. In fact I’m the most noncompetitive, so I win.

BRIAN

 Come on you can't even handle losing at checkers.

        [Flashback - Peter and Brian are playing Checkers]

BRIAN

 King me.

PETER

 Um, hHey look over there.

BRIAN

 What?

[Peter grabs board, throws it in the trunk, drives car off cliff, then shoots car].

        [In the garden]

LOIS

 Peter since when do you care about the school board?

PETER

 Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back into the classroom then I'm going to run like the 6 million dollar man.

        [Flash - 6 Million Dollar Man]

MAN

We can rebuild him. We have the technology. But I don't want to spend a lot of money.

        [In the garden.]

LOIS

 Fine if you feel that strongly then by all means run. But I'm warning you I'm not going to pull any punches on the issues.

PETER

 Oh I'm Lois, look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. nana nana na.

LOIS

 Oh boy, this will be even easier then running unopposed.

PETER

 Is that so? Well I'm not only gonna beat you. I'm gonna eat your nose.

LOIS

 See you on the campaign trail.

        [Candidate parade]

        [Brian and Stewie in the conservatory]

STEWIE

 Oh my, look where my hand is... I say look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place [finger in nose] Does this not disgust you?

BRIAN

 Kid you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

STEWIE

 Now look her you loathsome cur. The matron oppressor has left me in your ward. You should be striving to thwart my loathsome misdeeds.

STEWIE

 Look at me, I’m writing profanity on the wall [poopycock]

BRIAN

 Water soluble.

STEWIE

 Don't just sit there I have misbehaved. I've been a bawdy little monkey.

STEWIE

 If that vile woman were here she'd prove a worthy adversary.

BRIAN

What's the matter? Miss your mommy?

STEWIE

 oh yes that's it. That's quite good. Yes I miss my mommy. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.

BRIAN

 Whatever you say... mama's boy.

STEWIE

 Blast!

        [Quahog High School]

BOY

Hey Chris, Hector found two rocks that look like boobs, you in?

CHRIS

 Who needs rocks when you've got these. [Shows porno mags].

BOYS

Wow [Cover themselves]

        [Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland in a car campaigning]

PETER

 Vote for Peter Griffin

QUAGMIRE

 Woah, look at all of Lois' signs. Talk about seeing red. Oh!

CLEVELAND

 Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause. The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters.

PETER

 Don't sweat it boys. The Griffin men have always been winners, dating back to my dominative great Grandfather, Juarez Griffin.

        [Flashback - Cock fight]

PETER

 Fella's the debates in the bag, alright? If there's one thing I can do is play to a crowd.

        [Debate on the television]

ANNOUNCER

Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping magnet Carter Pugersmit and passive aggressivist Barbara Pugersmit. Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge. Peter Griffin, Quahogs' native son, self described huger-naught whatever the hell that means and community activist.

CHRIS

 Go Dad.

MEG

 He can't hear you.

CHRIS

 GO DAD!

ANNOUNCER

Fasten your seatbelts; we're just minutes away from Lois vs. Peter. Griffin vs. Griffin on Monday Night Debate yall.

        [In Stewie's bedroom]

[Brian reading Stewie a story]

STEWIE

 No, no, no you’re doing it wrong. When you read fast you're supposed to read Metastopholes in a scary voice… like this.

BRIAN

 Oh is that how your mommy reads it?

STEWIE

 I do not miss that ogress. She can burn in hell for all I care.

BRIAN

Sure she can.

        [Brian walks out of the room, Stewie breaks into song]

STEWIE

 Damn, Damn, Damn, I've grown accustom to her face.

 She almost makes the day begin.

 I've grown accustom to the tune she whistles night and noon.

 Her smiles her frowns her ups her downs are second nature to me now

 Like breathing out and breathing in

 I'm very grateful she's a woman

 And so easy to forget

 Rather like a habit one can always break.

 And yet, I've grown accustom to her looks

 Accustom to her voice

 Accustom to her face

        */ SEE QUAHOG 5 NEWS LYRICS SECTION TO HEAR THIS SONG \*

STEWIE

 "Sigh"

STUDIO AUDIENCE

Awww…

STEWIE

 DAMN YOU ALL!

        [At the debate]

TOM

 Mr. Griffin, your opening statement please.

PETER

 Ok, uh, I'm Peter Griffin vote for me.

TOM

 Is that it?

PETER

 Ah. No, this is it. This is life, the one you get so go and have a ball because the world don't move to the beat of just on drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad you take the both and there you have my opening statement… Sit boy sit. Good dog.

DIANE

Okay, Mrs. Griffin

LOIS

 Well as a piano teacher I know how difficult the education process can be; that's why if I'm elected I promise to fight for competent teachers and a better funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the civil rights movement as trouble ahead.

DIANE

 Mr. Griffin, your response.  Maybe something about education.

PETER

 I've always cared deeply about young people as a rich college-bound student I once joined some under-privileged in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall.

       

        [Applause]

LOIS

 Peter, that wasn't you that was Adalfa Shabadu in Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. You watched it last night.

        [Audience booing]

PETER

 So you’re calling me a liar, eh?  Well I’m gonna take the high road and stick to the issues.  The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst hotdog I ever ate. She flosses in bed. She snores like a wilder beast.

TOM

Thank-you Mr. Griffin that’s…

PETER

Wait a second I’m not done yet.  She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.

LOIS

 Peter, that's enough.

PETER

 Eats babies.

        [Applause, audience chants Peter]

LOIS

 Just a minute, listen to me please!  This election is about our children’s future. So ask yourselves what kind of future will it be if we elect a man who has never taught a student or attended a PTA meeting. This is a man who believes the plural of goose is sheep. I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me.

AUDIENCE

Lois Lois Lois!

PETER

 Wait I'm not done... Peter. Peter. Peter... Hey shut up. Just shut up.

        [In the kitchen of the Griffin's house.]

LOIS

 Well I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter but what choice did I have?

BRIAN

 That’s ok Lois, I enjoyed it.

LOIS

 Ugh, as soon as the polls close we can put all of this ugliness behind us.

PETER

 [TV ad] Lois Griffin is a slut.

LOIS

 What?

PETER

 Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding school board president, someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign but pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. But here's something everyone can understand. [shows picture of Lois in revealing pose] Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? I know I don't.

        [Quahog 5 News]

TOM

 Lewd, obsence and a little blurry; just some off the words used to

describe Lois Griffins' purent pic.  Hello, I’m Tom Tucker.

DIANE

 And I’m Diane Simmons.  Yesterday voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person we want running their schools. Her husband Peter Griffin was elected by a landslide.

        [School hall]

PETER

 Oh, hat a great day. I just wanna say… I wanna say (hic) I am so friggin wasted.

        [The lounge]

STEWIE

 [in his head] Splendid how delightful it will be to have mother back.

BRIAN

I heard that.

STEWIE

 Damn!

CHRIS

 Don't feel bad mom. All my friends think you're hot. They can't believe I came out of you.

PETER

 Hey Lois, I've got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? One. Just you. Hahaha. I’m just kidding, but French toast please.

LOIS

 Don't even talk to me Peter. You humiliated your own wife and for what, just to get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?

PETER

 Who?

LOIS

 Peter I care about our schools, all you care about was some stupid competition.  Well winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you will big the biggest loser I know.

PETER

 Oh yeah? Peter Griffin is no a loser. When I get done our students will be so smart they will be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

        [Quahog High School]

TRICIA

This is Tricia Takanahra here with school board president Peter Griffin. Mr. President you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.

PETER

 Thanks Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamp.

PETER

 For starters we're making sex education more fun.

School House Rock: Vagina junction whets your function

School House Rock: Taking in sperm and spitting out babies.

PETER

 And our schools are the safest around thanks to the hall monitor XLK.

XLK

Halt, present school pass.

STUDENT

Right here.

XLK

 Second request, present hall pass.

STUDENT

Right here…

XLK

Security breach, security breach.

[XLK starts shooting at her].

PETER

 I guess little miss free spirit will think twice before roaming the halls.

PETER

 And I've restocked our school library with books of our greatest movies and TV shows because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on.

TRICIA

Mr. Griffin this is impressive, I’ve never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.

PETER

Thank you, thank you, hey that’s what you voted for.

PETER

 Hey son show the folks at home what you got there.

TRICIA

Good Lord, that's a dirty magazine.

PETER

 Hey, that's mine. There might be a mineshaft under this library.

GUY

My God, all these kids are looking at pornography

TRICIA

 What kind of pervert gave you all this thilth?

STUDENT

Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.

        [Everyone is shocked and looks to Peter]

        [In the Griffin's house]

CLEVELAND

 Oh there's quite a crowd outside. I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.

QUAGMIRE

You said it paly, that’s why I brought in the big guns.  Say how do to the ragin cagin Mr. James Carville.

PETER

 Ahh. Ow. Geeze did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant?

JAMES CARVILLE

Now now see Peter what you gotta do is declare war.  War you see war is your only chance in surviving this scandalous is to claim that Lois gave your boy a pornography.

QUAGMIRE

And he’s right, heh, give em the old ball and chain.

PETER

 I can't do that Lois is mad enough at me. Oh God I'm sorry I can't look at you. I can handle ugly but this is just like circus ugly.

        [House basement]

PETER

 Lois I need your help you gotta come to my press conference this afternoon.

LOIS

Heh.

PETER

I could lose my presidency.

LOIS

 Too bad, I’ve already lost more than that.

PETER

 Not my rainbow colored socks with the individual toes.

LOIS

 No I've lost my respect for you.

PETER

 Oh... ‘cause I need those socks.

        [The press conference]

TOM

We now take you live to Peter Griffin Jr. High where a battle for School board Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life.

        [Audience booing]

MEG

 Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at dad.

LOIS

 I am I just came to see him twist in the wind.

CHRIS

 Are you and dad gonna get a divorce?

LOIS

 Oh honey... maybe.

PETER

 A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent. I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife… Lois [people in audience morph into Lois] Lois! [Sees James Carville] Ahhh! Ah crap! My wife Lois is the most important person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines. Even worse I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap. I just wanted to win so bad. Now I know there are some things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

LOIS

 Oh Peter.

TRICIA

You're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband too?

REPORTER

Do you have the moral authority to leave?

PETER

 Yes, no, and screw it I resign.

        [News report after Peter and Lois left the building]

DIANE

 And there’s the president and first lady Lois

TOM

 Now boarding the helicopter.

        [Quahog 5 News newsroom]

DIANE

 And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog Rhode Island. One which leaves this reporter asking how much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we the people endure?

TOM

 Next up our special report on the clitoris. Nature’s rubrics cube.

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