Transcribed by Eric Hynds
Production Code: 1ACX09
Original Air Date: 4/11/00
TV Guide Summary: Lois decides to run
for the school board, which thrills Stewie who will be somewhat
unsupervised during her campaign. Lois runs unopposed until
Peter joins the race in order to get his favorite teacher
reinstated. He immediately starts negative campaigning that
spreads lies about Lois and shows sexy photos of her... His
tactics work and Peter is elected. His first order of business
is to replace the hall monitors with robots. Ultimately, his
new policies backfire when Peter allows Chris to bring porno
mags to school and protests erupt. Peter must publicly apologize
in order to win Lois back and save face with the town of Quahog.
Legal Notice and Disclaimer: "The
Family Guy" TM and © FOX and its related companies.
This is a fan web site, and any multimedia (pictures, video's,
sound clips, etc) are owned and copyrighted by FOX.
[Stewie sat in garden eating
soil] I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively
divine. Ehemm, mmm! Excellent texture, provocative support.
Try another you say? Well aren't I the wicked one.
Stewie, I told you before don't
eat dirt. It's disgusting.
Oh, and I suppose the bilios
curds you force fed me from your teat were perfectly fine
Glenn would you mind holding Stewie?
Heh heh said and done. Well hey
there spud with the mud.
Oh good Lord do you bathe in
Hi Lois. You've got our votes.
Thank you Cleveland. Someone
has to run against that awful Betsy Labowe. She actually opposes
background checks for new teachers. God knows who she might
[Flash to a math classroom]
So, the square of the hypotenuse which
we will label C making the sides opposite, both
of the acute angles A and B will always
equal the sum of the other sides. [Teacher hands a student
a note that reads, do you like me?] Any
It's just something I have to
do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and
away from my family.
Out of the house. Why I'd be
free from your oppressive gynocracy. What the deuce are you
standing here for? You should be out giving speeches shaking
hands and kissing babies. [Lois kisses him] Not this baby.
Hey Lois, you seen my pants?
[Laughter from studio audience] Boy will I be glad when that
studio audience moves out of town.
Hey Lois, what's with the sign?
Peter, we discussed this. I'm
running for school board. You never listen to me.
Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland,
hey Quagmire... hey Lois, what's with the sign?
You guys. Chris' principle just
called. Chris is in trouble.
Oh, that's it I'm calling the
[Peter, Lois and Chris in the Principle's office.]
Mr. Griffin I'm afraid I have some
bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girls locker
So what's the big deal? It's
normal for boys his age to be curious. I remember when I first
noticed girls starting to develop.
[Flashback - a young Peter is sat in a school auditorium]
Welcome to 8th grade orientation everyone
[breasts start to sprout on all the females around Peter and
then on Peter himself] uhmm locker assignments will be handed
out in the library after lunch period. Uh, if you have
any questions about your locker assignment or class schedule,
uh please come
[Outside the Principle's office]
We'll continue this discussion
tonight young man. A women is not an object.
Your mother's right son. Listen
to what it says.
I didn't say that.
Lee Majors did.
What? Women are things.
Oh my God. It's Mr. Fargas. He
was my favorite teacher.
[Flashback - Peter is sat in one of Mr. Fargas' classes]
Take out your scalpels kids,
today we're going to dissect
a clown! Well, no wonder
this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy.
Wow, why dont you go say hello?
Im gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers
Hey hey Mr. Fargas, It's me Peter
Griffin, Griffin. Sorry not on the
Aww don't you remember me? I
was your favorite student. You taught me everything. Math,
science. You even taught me how to dance just in time for
[Flashback - Peter being taught how to dance by Mr. Fargas]
Well Peter you start like this!
Yeah now add a little turn and do
Come on Mr. Fargus do the whole darn
Geeze what happened to you? Someone
give you a funectamy?
No, they gave me these by order
of the school board. They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly
off the handle like that.
Let me see that
pills away] That is what I think of you taking chill pills
from the man. The old Farge made learning fun and thats
what these kids need. Now get back in that classroom
and teach your Farging ass off.
[Back at the Griffin's house, Peter is stood outside Chris'
door. Hears a weird noise
[Peter knocks on the door]
Don't come in
just a minute!
Chris, you mother wants me and
you to have a talk
[Peter opens door]
[Bouncing ball on paddle] Aww
I was going for a new record.
Now son as men it's only natural
for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr.
[Looking through binoculars] Hello
But peeping can be dangerous,
so I brought you this [box of porno mags].
Wow Miss December.
Heh, yep. The old skin bin. Now
you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly
Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?
Hey give me that
little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heheh...
Alright Dad! Hey Dad, thanks.
[Peter leaves, closes door, hears that noise again, and realizes
he has Chriss pattle]
[In the kitchen]
Mom, If you get elected to the
school board can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?
Oh honey, of course I can. But
winning without honor isn't really winning at all isn't that
No it's just as good. [Dances]
Cease this prattling! This campaign
literature must be posted today if we are going to get you
into office and out of my life you festering strumpet.
Hey you guys
you running for school board?
Look Chris' school is on TV [Meg
points at television].
The egg drop; an annual tradition
for junior high school science students.
But today, an egg drop conducted
by teacher Randal Fargas seems to have gone horribly horribly
wrong. We now go live to action news 5 Asian correspondent
Well Tom the eggs being dropped behind
me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California
Welcome back Fargas.
Oh my God. He's gonna wipe that
species off the face of the earth.
No Lois the janitor will do that.
Tom, I'm getting word that the Quahog
school board has just dismissed Randal Fargas effectively
ending his 32 year teaching career.
What? They can't do that.
Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.
In other news, Betsy Labowe a
candidate for school board president announced today she is
pulling out of the race. Labowes withdrawal now
leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed.
Oh my goodness I win by default!
Oh great you can give Fargas
his job back!
I'm sorry but I do have a mind
of my own and I happen to agree with the school boards decision.
Yeah, yeah I know you're a feminist
and I think that's adorable but this is grown up time and
I'm the man.
I'm not giving that lunatic his
job back and thats final.
Lois, I can't let you deprive
our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas! Im going
to stop you the only way I can
by killing you... in
the race for school board president.
[In the front garden, Peter is putting up signs for the poll]
Peter, are you sure running against
Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
Hey, hey I can be just as noncompetitive
as anybody. In fact Im the most noncompetitive, so I
Come on you can't even handle
losing at checkers.
[Flashback - Peter and Brian are playing Checkers]
Um, hHey look over there.
[Peter grabs board, throws it in the
trunk, drives car off cliff, then shoots car].
[In the garden]
Peter since when do you care
about the school board?
Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a
bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get
him back into the classroom then I'm going to run like the
6 million dollar man.
[Flash - 6 Million Dollar Man]
We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
But I don't want to spend a lot of money.
[In the garden.]
Fine if you feel that strongly
then by all means run. But I'm warning you I'm not going to
pull any punches on the issues.
Oh I'm Lois, look at me with
my big ideas and my pointy nose. nana nana na.
Oh boy, this will be even easier
then running unopposed.
Is that so? Well I'm not only
gonna beat you. I'm gonna eat your nose.
See you on the campaign trail.
[Brian and Stewie in the conservatory]
Oh my, look where my hand is...
I say look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place
[finger in nose] Does this not disgust you?
Kid you're talking to a guy who
uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Now look her you loathsome cur.
The matron oppressor has left me in your ward. You should
be striving to thwart my loathsome misdeeds.
Look at me, Im writing
profanity on the wall [poopycock]
Don't just sit there I have misbehaved.
I've been a bawdy little monkey.
If that vile woman were here
she'd prove a worthy adversary.
What's the matter? Miss your mommy?
oh yes that's it. That's quite
good. Yes I miss my mommy. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
Whatever you say... mama's boy.
[Quahog High School]
Hey Chris, Hector found two rocks
that look like boobs, you in?
Who needs rocks when you've got
these. [Shows porno mags].
Wow [Cover themselves]
[Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland in a car campaigning]
Vote for Peter Griffin
Woah, look at all of Lois' signs.
Talk about seeing red. Oh!
Peter, I'm concerned that your
candidacy may have become a lost cause. The debate is tonight
and you don't seem to have any supporters.
Don't sweat it boys. The Griffin
men have always been winners, dating back to my dominative
great Grandfather, Juarez Griffin.
[Flashback - Cock fight]
Fella's the debates in the bag,
alright? If there's one thing I can do is play to a crowd.
[Debate on the television]
Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping
magnet Carter Pugersmit and passive aggressivist Barbara Pugersmit.
Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge. Peter Griffin,
Quahogs' native son, self described huger-naught whatever
the hell that means and community activist.
He can't hear you.
Fasten your seatbelts; we're just
minutes away from Lois vs. Peter. Griffin vs. Griffin on Monday
Night Debate yall.
[In Stewie's bedroom]
[Brian reading Stewie a story]
No, no, no youre doing
it wrong. When you read fast you're supposed to read Metastopholes
in a scary voice
Oh is that how your mommy reads
I do not miss that ogress. She
can burn in hell for all I care.
Sure she can.
[Brian walks out of the room, Stewie breaks into song]
Damn, Damn, Damn, I've grown
accustom to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I've grown accustom to the tune
she whistles night and noon.
Her smiles her frowns her ups
her downs are second nature to me now
Like breathing out and breathing
I'm very grateful she's a woman
And so easy to forget
Rather like a habit one can always
And yet, I've grown accustom
to her looks
Accustom to her voice
Accustom to her face
*/ SEE QUAHOG 5 NEWS LYRICS SECTION TO HEAR THIS SONG \*
DAMN YOU ALL!
[At the debate]
Mr. Griffin, your opening statement
Ok, uh, I'm Peter Griffin vote
Is that it?
Ah. No, this is it. This is life,
the one you get so go and have a ball because the world don't
move to the beat of just on drum. What might be right for
you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take
the bad you take the both and there you have my opening statement
Sit boy sit. Good dog.
Okay, Mrs. Griffin
Well as a piano teacher I know
how difficult the education process can be; that's why if
I'm elected I promise to fight for competent teachers and
a better funded music department and updated textbooks that
don't refer to the civil rights movement as trouble ahead.
Mr. Griffin, your response.
Maybe something about education.
I've always cared deeply about
young people as a rich college-bound student I once joined
some under-privileged in saving a community center from being
converted into a shopping mall.
Peter, that wasn't you that was
Adalfa Shabadu in Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. You watched
it last night.
So youre calling me a liar,
eh? Well Im gonna take the high road and stick
to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest
treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't
leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard.
That was the worst hotdog I ever ate. She flosses in bed.
She snores like a wilder beast.
Thank-you Mr. Griffin thats
Wait a second Im not done yet.
She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Peter, that's enough.
[Applause, audience chants Peter]
Just a minute, listen to me please!
This election is about our childrens future. So ask
yourselves what kind of future will it be if we elect a man
who has never taught a student or attended a PTA meeting.
This is a man who believes the plural of goose is sheep. I'm
the right person for the job. Vote for me.
Lois Lois Lois!
Wait I'm not done... Peter. Peter.
Peter... Hey shut up. Just shut up.
[In the kitchen of the Griffin's house.]
Well I didn't enjoy humiliating
Peter but what choice did I have?
Thats ok Lois, I enjoyed
Ugh, as soon as the polls close
we can put all of this ugliness behind us.
[TV ad] Lois Griffin is a slut.
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know
I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding school
board president, someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty
things have been said during this campaign but pictures are
better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.
But here's something everyone can understand. [shows picture
of Lois in revealing pose] Do you really want your children's
future in the hands of this? I know I don't.
[Quahog 5 News]
Lewd, obsence and a little blurry;
just some off the words used to
describe Lois Griffins' purent pic.
Hello, Im Tom Tucker.
And Im Diane Simmons.
Yesterday voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin
is not the kind of person we want running their schools. Her
husband Peter Griffin was elected by a landslide.
Oh, hat a great day. I just wanna
I wanna say (hic) I am so friggin wasted.
[in his head] Splendid how delightful
it will be to have mother back.
I heard that.
Don't feel bad mom. All my friends
think you're hot. They can't believe I came out of you.
Hey Lois, I've got a joke for
you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? One.
Just you. Hahaha. Im just kidding, but French toast
Don't even talk to me Peter.
You humiliated your own wife and for what, just to get that
crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?
Peter I care about our schools,
all you care about was some stupid competition. Well
winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance
to do something good for our kids you will big the biggest
loser I know.
Oh yeah? Peter Griffin is no
a loser. When I get done our students will be so smart they
will be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping
hot gravy all over myself.
[Quahog High School]
This is Tricia Takanahra here with
school board president Peter Griffin. Mr. President you've
accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.
Thanks Connie. I'm very excited
about our progress in revamp.
For starters we're making sex
education more fun.
School House Rock: Vagina junction
whets your function
School House Rock: Taking in sperm
and spitting out babies.
And our schools are the safest
around thanks to the hall monitor XLK.
Halt, present school pass.
Second request, present hall
Security breach, security breach.
[XLK starts shooting at her].
I guess little miss free spirit
will think twice before roaming the halls.
And I've restocked our school
library with books of our greatest movies and TV shows because
if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know
Mr. Griffin this is impressive, Ive
never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.
Thank you, thank you, hey thats
what you voted for.
Hey son show the folks at home
what you got there.
Good Lord, that's a dirty magazine.
Hey, that's mine. There might
be a mineshaft under this library.
My God, all these kids are looking
What kind of pervert gave you
all this thilth?
Chris Griffin. He got it from his
[Everyone is shocked and looks to Peter]
[In the Griffin's house]
Oh there's quite a crowd outside.
I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous
Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.
You said it paly, thats why
I brought in the big guns. Say how do to the ragin cagin
Mr. James Carville.
Ahh. Ow. Geeze did somebody open
the Ark of the Covenant?
Now now see Peter what you gotta do
is declare war. War you see war is your only chance
in surviving this scandalous is to claim that Lois gave your
boy a pornography.
And hes right, heh, give em
the old ball and chain.
I can't do that Lois is mad enough
at me. Oh God I'm sorry I can't look at you. I can handle
ugly but this is just like circus ugly.
Lois I need your help you gotta
come to my press conference this afternoon.
I could lose my presidency.
Too bad, Ive already lost
more than that.
Not my rainbow colored socks
with the individual toes.
No I've lost my respect for you.
Oh... cause I need those
[The press conference]
We now take you live to Peter Griffin
Jr. High where a battle for School board Peter Griffin is
fighting for his political life.
Mom, what are you doing here?
I thought you were mad at dad.
I am I just came to see him twist
in the wind.
Are you and dad gonna get a divorce?
Oh honey... maybe.
A parent giving porno to their
kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent.
I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife
Lois [people in audience morph into Lois] Lois! [Sees James
Carville] Ahhh! Ah crap! My wife Lois is the most important
person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines.
Even worse I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something
cheap. I just wanted to win so bad. Now I know there are some
things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that
you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
You're saying you're not only a bad
father, but a bad husband too?
Do you have the moral authority to
Yes, no, and screw it I resign.
[News report after Peter and Lois left the building]
And theres the president
and first lady Lois
Now boarding the helicopter.
[Quahog 5 News newsroom]
And so ends a dark and shameful
chapter in the history of Quahog Rhode Island. One which leaves
this reporter asking how much moral bankruptcy and perversion
must we the people endure?
Next up our special report on
the clitoris. Natures rubrics cube.