Running Mates
Transcribed by Eric Hynds
http://www.quahog5news.com
********************************************************
Production Code: 1ACX09
Original Air Date: 4/11/00
TV Guide Summary: Lois decides to run
for the school board, which thrills Stewie who will be somewhat
unsupervised during her campaign. Lois runs unopposed until
Peter joins the race in order to get his favorite teacher
reinstated. He immediately starts negative campaigning that
spreads lies about Lois and shows sexy photos of her... His
tactics work and Peter is elected. His first order of business
is to replace the hall monitors with robots. Ultimately, his
new policies backfire when Peter allows Chris to bring porno
mags to school and protests erupt. Peter must publicly apologize
in order to win Lois back and save face with the town of Quahog.
***********************************************************
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STEWIE
[Stewie sat in garden eating
soil] I say Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively
divine. Ehemm, mmm! Excellent texture, provocative support.
Try another you say? Well aren't I the wicked one.
LOIS
Stewie, I told you before don't
eat dirt. It's disgusting.
STEWIE
Oh, and I suppose the bilios
curds you force fed me from your teat were perfectly fine
then.
LOIS
Glenn would you mind holding Stewie?
QUAGMIRE
Heh heh said and done. Well hey
there spud with the mud.
STEWIE
Oh good Lord do you bathe in
Aqua Velva?
CLEVELAND
Hi Lois. You've got our votes.
LOIS
Thank you Cleveland. Someone
has to run against that awful Betsy Labowe. She actually opposes
background checks for new teachers. God knows who she might
hire.
[Flash to a math classroom]
TEACHER
So, the square of the hypotenuse which
we will label “C” making the sides opposite, both
of the acute angles “A” and “B” will always
equal the sum of the other sides. [Teacher hands a student
a note that reads, “do you like me?”] Any
questions?
LOIS
It's just something I have to
do. Even if winning means spending time out of the house and
away from my family.
STEWIE
Out of the house. Why I'd be
free from your oppressive gynocracy. What the deuce are you
standing here for? You should be out giving speeches shaking
hands and kissing babies. [Lois kisses him] Not this baby.
PETER
Hey Lois, you seen my pants?
[Laughter from studio audience] Boy will I be glad when that
studio audience moves out of town.
PETER
Hey Lois, what's with the sign?
LOIS
Peter, we discussed this. I'm
running for school board. You never listen to me.
PETER
Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland,
hey Quagmire... hey Lois, what's with the sign?
BRIAN
You guys. Chris' principle just
called. Chris is in trouble.
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Oooooohhhh.
PETER
Oh, that's it I'm calling the
cops.
[Peter, Lois and Chris in the Principle's office.]
PRINCIPLE
Mr. Griffin I'm afraid I have some
bad news. I caught your son peeking into the girl’s locker
room.
LOIS
Oh Chris!
PETER
So what's the big deal? It's
normal for boys his age to be curious. I remember when I first
noticed girls starting to develop.
[Flashback - a young Peter is sat in a school auditorium]
PRINCIPLE
Welcome to 8th grade orientation everyone
[breasts start to sprout on all the females around Peter and
then on Peter himself] uhmm locker assignments will be handed
out in the library after lunch period. Uh, if you have
any questions about your locker assignment or class schedule,
uh please come…
[Outside the Principle's office]
LOIS
We'll continue this discussion
tonight young man. A women is not an object.
PETER
Your mother's right son. Listen
to what it says.
LOIS
Peter!
PETER
Uhhh… I didn't say that.
Lee Majors did.
LEE MAJORS
What? Women are things.
PETER
Oh my God. It's Mr. Fargas. He
was my favorite teacher.
[Flashback - Peter is sat in one of Mr. Fargas' classes]
MR. FARGAS
Take out your scalpels kids,
today we're going to dissect… a clown! Well, no wonder
this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy.
LOIS
Wow, why don’t you go say hello?
I’m gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers
lounge.
PETER
Hey hey Mr. Fargas, It's me Peter
Griffin.
MR. FARGAS
Griffin, Griffin. Sorry not on the
list.
PETER
Aww don't you remember me? I
was your favorite student. You taught me everything. Math,
science. You even taught me how to dance just in time for
the prom.
[Flashback - Peter being taught how to dance by Mr. Fargas]
MR. FARGUS
Well Peter you start like this!
[Dances]
PETER
Like this?
[Dances]
MR. FARGUS
Yeah now add a little turn and do
a buckin-whit
PETER
Come on Mr. Fargus do the whole darn
thing!
[End flashback]
PETER
Geeze what happened to you? Someone
give you a funectamy?
MR. FARGAS
No, they gave me these by order
of the school board. They said it evens me out. Sorry to fly
off the handle like that.
PETER
Let me see that… [Throws
pills away] That is what I think of you taking chill pills
from the man. The old Farge made learning fun and that’s
what these kids need. Now get back in that classroom
and teach your Farging ass off.
[Back at the Griffin's house, Peter is stood outside Chris'
door. Hears a weird noise…]
[Peter knocks on the door]
CHRIS
Don't come in… just a minute!
PETER
Chris, you mother wants me and
you to have a talk
[Peter opens door]
CHRIS
[Bouncing ball on paddle] Aww
I was going for a new record.
PETER
Now son as men it's only natural
for us to look at naked girls. Every man does it, even Mr.
Rogers.
MR. ROGERS
[Looking through binoculars] Hello
neighbor... awwww.
PETER
But peeping can be dangerous,
so I brought you this [box of porno mags].
CHRIS
Wow Miss December.
PETER
Heh, yep. The old skin bin. Now
you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly
legal.
CHRIS
Wow, check out the rack on... Mom?
PETER
Hey give me that… just a
little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. Heheh...
CHRIS
Alright Dad! Hey Dad, thanks.
[Peter leaves, closes door, hears that noise again, and realizes
he has Chris’s pattle]
[In the kitchen]
MEG
Mom, If you get elected to the
school board can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen?
LOIS
Oh honey, of course I can. But
winning without honor isn't really winning at all isn't that
right Milli?
MILLI
No it's just as good. [Dances]
STEWIE
Cease this prattling! This campaign
literature must be posted today if we are going to get you
into office and out of my life you festering strumpet.
PETER
Hey you guys… hey Lois,
you running for school board?
MEG
Look Chris' school is on TV [Meg
points at television].
DIANE
The egg drop; an annual tradition
for junior high school science students.
TOM
But today, an egg drop conducted
by teacher Randal Fargas seems to have gone horribly horribly
wrong. We now go live to action news 5 Asian correspondent
Trisha Takanowa.
TRICIA
Well Tom the eggs being dropped behind
me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California
condor.
PETER
Welcome back Fargas.
LOIS
Oh my God. He's gonna wipe that
species off the face of the earth.
PETER
No Lois the janitor will do that.
TRICIA
Tom, I'm getting word that the Quahog
school board has just dismissed Randal Fargas effectively
ending his 32 year teaching career.
PETER
What? They can't do that.
LOIS
Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced.
DIANE
In other news, Betsy Labowe a
candidate for school board president announced today she is
pulling out of the race. Labowe’s withdrawal now
leaves housewife Lois Griffin running unopposed.
LOIS
Oh my goodness I win by default!
PETER
Oh great you can give Fargas
his job back!
LOIS
I'm sorry but I do have a mind
of my own and I happen to agree with the school boards decision.
PETER
Yeah, yeah I know you're a feminist
and I think that's adorable but this is grown up time and
I'm the man.
LOIS
I'm not giving that lunatic his
job back and that’s final.
PETER
Lois, I can't let you deprive
our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas! I’m going
to stop you the only way I can… by killing you... in
the race for school board president.
[In the front garden, Peter is putting up signs for the poll]
BRIAN
Peter, are you sure running against
Lois is such a good idea? You know how competitive you get.
PETER
Hey, hey I can be just as noncompetitive
as anybody. In fact I’m the most noncompetitive, so I
win.
BRIAN
Come on you can't even handle
losing at checkers.
[Flashback - Peter and Brian are playing Checkers]
BRIAN
King me.
PETER
Um, hHey look over there.
BRIAN
What?
[Peter grabs board, throws it in the
trunk, drives car off cliff, then shoots car].
[In the garden]
LOIS
Peter since when do you care
about the school board?
PETER
Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a
bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get
him back into the classroom then I'm going to run like the
6 million dollar man.
[Flash - 6 Million Dollar Man]
MAN
We can rebuild him. We have the technology.
But I don't want to spend a lot of money.
[In the garden.]
LOIS
Fine if you feel that strongly
then by all means run. But I'm warning you I'm not going to
pull any punches on the issues.
PETER
Oh I'm Lois, look at me with
my big ideas and my pointy nose. nana nana na.
LOIS
Oh boy, this will be even easier
then running unopposed.
PETER
Is that so? Well I'm not only
gonna beat you. I'm gonna eat your nose.
LOIS
See you on the campaign trail.
[Candidate parade]
[Brian and Stewie in the conservatory]
STEWIE
Oh my, look where my hand is...
I say look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place
[finger in nose] Does this not disgust you?
BRIAN
Kid you're talking to a guy who
uses his tongue for toilet paper.
STEWIE
Now look her you loathsome cur.
The matron oppressor has left me in your ward. You should
be striving to thwart my loathsome misdeeds.
STEWIE
Look at me, I’m writing
profanity on the wall [poopycock]
BRIAN
Water soluble.
STEWIE
Don't just sit there I have misbehaved.
I've been a bawdy little monkey.
STEWIE
If that vile woman were here
she'd prove a worthy adversary.
BRIAN
What's the matter? Miss your mommy?
STEWIE
oh yes that's it. That's quite
good. Yes I miss my mommy. I also miss colic and rectal thermometry.
BRIAN
Whatever you say... mama's boy.
STEWIE
Blast!
[Quahog High School]
BOY
Hey Chris, Hector found two rocks
that look like boobs, you in?
CHRIS
Who needs rocks when you've got
these. [Shows porno mags].
BOYS
Wow [Cover themselves]
[Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland in a car campaigning]
PETER
Vote for Peter Griffin
QUAGMIRE
Woah, look at all of Lois' signs.
Talk about seeing red. Oh!
CLEVELAND
Peter, I'm concerned that your
candidacy may have become a lost cause. The debate is tonight
and you don't seem to have any supporters.
PETER
Don't sweat it boys. The Griffin
men have always been winners, dating back to my dominative
great Grandfather, Juarez Griffin.
[Flashback - Cock fight]
PETER
Fella's the debates in the bag,
alright? If there's one thing I can do is play to a crowd.
[Debate on the television]
ANNOUNCER
Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping
magnet Carter Pugersmit and passive aggressivist Barbara Pugersmit.
Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge. Peter Griffin,
Quahogs' native son, self described huger-naught whatever
the hell that means and community activist.
CHRIS
Go Dad.
MEG
He can't hear you.
CHRIS
GO DAD!
ANNOUNCER
Fasten your seatbelts; we're just
minutes away from Lois vs. Peter. Griffin vs. Griffin on Monday
Night Debate yall.
[In Stewie's bedroom]
[Brian reading Stewie a story]
STEWIE
No, no, no you’re doing
it wrong. When you read fast you're supposed to read Metastopholes
in a scary voice… like this.
BRIAN
Oh is that how your mommy reads
it?
STEWIE
I do not miss that ogress. She
can burn in hell for all I care.
BRIAN
Sure she can.
[Brian walks out of the room, Stewie breaks into song]
STEWIE
Damn, Damn, Damn, I've grown
accustom to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I've grown accustom to the tune
she whistles night and noon.
Her smiles her frowns her ups
her downs are second nature to me now
Like breathing out and breathing
in
I'm very grateful she's a woman
And so easy to forget
Rather like a habit one can always
break.
And yet, I've grown accustom
to her looks
Accustom to her voice
Accustom to her face
*/ SEE QUAHOG 5 NEWS LYRICS SECTION TO HEAR THIS SONG \*
STEWIE
"Sigh"
STUDIO AUDIENCE
Awww…
STEWIE
DAMN YOU ALL!
[At the debate]
TOM
Mr. Griffin, your opening statement
please.
PETER
Ok, uh, I'm Peter Griffin vote
for me.
TOM
Is that it?
PETER
Ah. No, this is it. This is life,
the one you get so go and have a ball because the world don't
move to the beat of just on drum. What might be right for
you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take
the bad you take the both and there you have my opening statement…
Sit boy sit. Good dog.
DIANE
Okay, Mrs. Griffin
LOIS
Well as a piano teacher I know
how difficult the education process can be; that's why if
I'm elected I promise to fight for competent teachers and
a better funded music department and updated textbooks that
don't refer to the civil rights movement as trouble ahead.
DIANE
Mr. Griffin, your response.
Maybe something about education.
PETER
I've always cared deeply about
young people as a rich college-bound student I once joined
some under-privileged in saving a community center from being
converted into a shopping mall.
[Applause]
LOIS
Peter, that wasn't you that was
Adalfa Shabadu in Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. You watched
it last night.
[Audience booing]
PETER
So you’re calling me a liar,
eh? Well I’m gonna take the high road and stick
to the issues. The children of Quahog are our greatest
treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't
leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard.
That was the worst hotdog I ever ate. She flosses in bed.
She snores like a wilder beast.
TOM
Thank-you Mr. Griffin that’s…
PETER
Wait a second I’m not done yet.
She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
LOIS
Peter, that's enough.
PETER
Eats babies.
[Applause, audience chants Peter]
LOIS
Just a minute, listen to me please!
This election is about our children’s future. So ask
yourselves what kind of future will it be if we elect a man
who has never taught a student or attended a PTA meeting.
This is a man who believes the plural of goose is sheep. I'm
the right person for the job. Vote for me.
AUDIENCE
Lois Lois Lois!
PETER
Wait I'm not done... Peter. Peter.
Peter... Hey shut up. Just shut up.
[In the kitchen of the Griffin's house.]
LOIS
Well I didn't enjoy humiliating
Peter but what choice did I have?
BRIAN
That’s ok Lois, I enjoyed
it.
LOIS
Ugh, as soon as the polls close
we can put all of this ugliness behind us.
PETER
[TV ad] Lois Griffin is a slut.
LOIS
What?
PETER
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin. You know
I grew up in this town. Quahog needs a moral upstanding school
board president, someone we can trust. Well a lot of nasty
things have been said during this campaign but pictures are
better than words because some words are big and hard to understand.
But here's something everyone can understand. [shows picture
of Lois in revealing pose] Do you really want your children's
future in the hands of this? I know I don't.
[Quahog 5 News]
TOM
Lewd, obsence and a little blurry;
just some off the words used to
describe Lois Griffins' purent pic.
Hello, I’m Tom Tucker.
DIANE
And I’m Diane Simmons.
Yesterday voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin
is not the kind of person we want running their schools. Her
husband Peter Griffin was elected by a landslide.
[School hall]
PETER
Oh, hat a great day. I just wanna
say… I wanna say (hic) I am so friggin wasted.
[The lounge]
STEWIE
[in his head] Splendid how delightful
it will be to have mother back.
BRIAN
I heard that.
STEWIE
Damn!
CHRIS
Don't feel bad mom. All my friends
think you're hot. They can't believe I came out of you.
PETER
Hey Lois, I've got a joke for
you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? One.
Just you. Hahaha. I’m just kidding, but French toast
please.
LOIS
Don't even talk to me Peter.
You humiliated your own wife and for what, just to get that
crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom?
PETER
Who?
LOIS
Peter I care about our schools,
all you care about was some stupid competition. Well
winning was only half the battle. If you blow this chance
to do something good for our kids you will big the biggest
loser I know.
PETER
Oh yeah? Peter Griffin is no
a loser. When I get done our students will be so smart they
will be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping
hot gravy all over myself.
[Quahog High School]
TRICIA
This is Tricia Takanahra here with
school board president Peter Griffin. Mr. President you've
accomplished so much in just a few short weeks.
PETER
Thanks Connie. I'm very excited
about our progress in revamp.
PETER
For starters we're making sex
education more fun.
School House Rock: Vagina junction
whets your function
School House Rock: Taking in sperm
and spitting out babies.
PETER
And our schools are the safest
around thanks to the hall monitor XLK.
XLK
Halt, present school pass.
STUDENT
Right here.
XLK
Second request, present hall
pass.
STUDENT
Right here…
XLK
Security breach, security breach.
[XLK starts shooting at her].
PETER
I guess little miss free spirit
will think twice before roaming the halls.
PETER
And I've restocked our school
library with books of our greatest movies and TV shows because
if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know
what's on.
TRICIA
Mr. Griffin this is impressive, I’ve
never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading.
PETER
Thank you, thank you, hey that’s
what you voted for.
PETER
Hey son show the folks at home
what you got there.
TRICIA
Good Lord, that's a dirty magazine.
PETER
Hey, that's mine. There might
be a mineshaft under this library.
GUY
My God, all these kids are looking
at pornography
TRICIA
What kind of pervert gave you
all this thilth?
STUDENT
Chris Griffin. He got it from his
dad.
[Everyone is shocked and looks to Peter]
[In the Griffin's house]
CLEVELAND
Oh there's quite a crowd outside.
I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous
Day down at the deli, when prices were so low they were ridiculous.
QUAGMIRE
You said it paly, that’s why
I brought in the big guns. Say how do to the ragin cagin
Mr. James Carville.
PETER
Ahh. Ow. Geeze did somebody open
the Ark of the Covenant?
JAMES CARVILLE
Now now see Peter what you gotta do
is declare war. War you see war is your only chance
in surviving this scandalous is to claim that Lois gave your
boy a pornography.
QUAGMIRE
And he’s right, heh, give em
the old ball and chain.
PETER
I can't do that Lois is mad enough
at me. Oh God I'm sorry I can't look at you. I can handle
ugly but this is just like circus ugly.
[House basement]
PETER
Lois I need your help you gotta
come to my press conference this afternoon.
LOIS
Heh.
PETER
I could lose my presidency.
LOIS
Too bad, I’ve already lost
more than that.
PETER
Not my rainbow colored socks
with the individual toes.
LOIS
No I've lost my respect for you.
PETER
Oh... ‘cause I need those
socks.
[The press conference]
TOM
We now take you live to Peter Griffin
Jr. High where a battle for School board Peter Griffin is
fighting for his political life.
[Audience booing]
MEG
Mom, what are you doing here?
I thought you were mad at dad.
LOIS
I am I just came to see him twist
in the wind.
CHRIS
Are you and dad gonna get a divorce?
LOIS
Oh honey... maybe.
PETER
A parent giving porno to their
kid is a terrible thing, but I'm here to tell you I'm innocent.
I didn't give those magazines to my son. My wife... my wife…
Lois [people in audience morph into Lois] Lois! [Sees James
Carville] Ahhh! Ah crap! My wife Lois is the most important
person in the world to me. I gave my son those magazines.
Even worse I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something
cheap. I just wanted to win so bad. Now I know there are some
things more important than winning. Lois I only hope that
you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
LOIS
Oh Peter.
TRICIA
You're saying you're not only a bad
father, but a bad husband too?
REPORTER
Do you have the moral authority to
leave?
PETER
Yes, no, and screw it I resign.
[News report after Peter and Lois left the building]
DIANE
And there’s the president
and first lady Lois
TOM
Now boarding the helicopter.
[Quahog 5 News newsroom]
DIANE
And so ends a dark and shameful
chapter in the history of Quahog Rhode Island. One which leaves
this reporter asking how much moral bankruptcy and perversion
must we the people endure?
TOM
Next up our special report on
the clitoris. Nature’s rubrics cube.
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