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[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Okay. I got the whole
day planned. First, we see the primates. Then the butterfly
house. Then a bathroom break. Then we'll...
Peter: Come on, Lois. Can't
we all run around in a disorganized fashion?
Meg: Yeah!
Stewie: Let it go, Lois!
Chris: Monkeys throw their
poop!
Lois: No. If we don't adhere
to a strict schedule, we won't see everything.
Peter: Kids, gas masks. Run!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Stewie: There you are. Oh,
don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is
he being baaa-shful? [Laughing] That's right. You're all
ripe for parody.
Brian: Can we go now?
Stewie: Shut up! I'm having
fun. Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. My fanny is not on
the menu! What? Oh! Oh, God!
Peter: Here, little fella.
Come get the food. I have always wanted to do this.
Lois: Oh, here are the marsupials.
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter: Look at me, Lois. I'm
Roo! Come on, Ma. Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out
of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud.
Stewie: I am going to kick
your ass.
Theme
Song
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Brian: How's it going?
Man: Great. Beautiful day.
Brian: Oh, gorgeous. You know,
we sit here and force small talk while they have the time
of their lives.
Man Yeah. Yeah.
Brian: [Whistles] Here, girl.
[Shuddering] Sorry. I thought I smelled...cookies.
Mort Goldman: Wow! Does it
really smell like...oh, God! She farted, and it went down
my throat!
Peter: Full house.
Cleveland: Dagnab! That's
some poker face you've got, Peter.
Peter: Years of practice,
boys.
Joe: Peter, you're on a roll.
We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend.
Peter: Sorry, guys. Lois is
making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why
she even bothers. Me and Lois's old man have never gotten
along.
[Peter at computer]
Peter: Hey, I got an e-mail
from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Joe: You should find some
common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out
what he likes, and study up on it.
Peter: Hey, that's a great
idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. I'm gonna start
right now. Cratchit, you're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit: But, sir, what
of Tiny Tim?
Peter: Bah! He and his ukulele
shall go wanting.
[Peter at newsstand]
Peter: Huh-The New Yorker.
I bet Lois's dad reads this. "I'd be more apathetic if I
weren't so lethargic." [Crickets chirping] [crickets chirping]
Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny. Yeah. Can I have a copy
of Jugs?
[Peter at adult education class]
Teacher: In French, when you
want to say "yes," you say "oui, oui."
Peter: You gotta be kidding
me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! Oh, man! And what do
you say for no? "Doo-doo"? Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta
go take a wicked "yes."
[Regal instrumental music]
Crowd: [Exclaiming with comprehension]
Guy: It's a person.
Lois: Peter, would you please
fix the bathroom faucet?
Peter: I fixed it already.
Lois: No, you didn't. It's
still dripping.
Peter: No way! I will give
you all my Star Wars cards if it is. Wait, wait. Except
Boba Fett. No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett
man.
Lois: Oh, my God! [Gasping]
Was he just mastur...
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh, my!
Peter: Do we-do we rub his
nose in it?
Lois: Oh, hi, Brian.
Brian: Uh, listen, Lois, about
yesterday...
Lois: Oh, Brian. It's nothing
to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly normal.
Brian: I know. It's just,
you know, I should be able to control my baser instincts.
But lately I've just been having these urges.
Lois: Brian, why don't you
come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air will
help you relax.
Stewie: I know where I go
when I want to relax. [Stewie at gay dance club] I know
the guy that owns this place!
Man: What?
Stewie: I said, I know the
guy that...I'll tell you later. I love this song.
[Dance music playing]
Brian: Thanks. But I think
a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need.
Lois: well, have a good time.
Brian: All right, I'm just
gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television.
Announcer: We now return to
"World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.
Brian: Hey, wait up!
Peter: [laughs] Right into
the bumper.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois: Hi, Mom.
Barbara: Oh, look at you all.
I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction
in her stocking.
Meg: Thank you, Nana.
Carter: Hello, everyone.
Lois: Hi, Daddy.
Peter: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois: No, Daddy. Peter's cultured
himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter: Oh, so I should treat
him like a high-class whore.
Peter: That's fine. Just no
kissing on the lips.
Barbara: Would you like a
piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you!
Peter: Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Permission to come aboard?
Carter: No!
Peter: Thanks. Quite a schooner
you got here. What is she, like, a 45-footer?
Carter: Peter, I didn't know
you were a sailor.
Peter: I didn't know you looked
so good in shorts. [Whistling and purring]
Carter: What?
Peter: You don't have an eye
spliced in this mooring line. I'll tie a bowline in there
and make one for you. That should hold her.
Sommelier: And this is a '74
Pinot Noir.
Man 1: Lovely.
Man 2: Carter, did you tell
your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
Peter: [Slurring] Where the
hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me $100 if
I took off all my clothes off.
Carter: [Growling]
Brian: Thanks for bringing
me here, Lois. This is just what I needed.
Lois: I'm glad. It seems like
everybody's having a lot of fun.
Masseuse: So, how long are
you and your family in town?
Stewie: No conversation.
Carter: You idiot! I'm never
taking you to my country club again!
Peter: Look, I'm sorry, Mr.
Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Your husband is a
moron! He walks up to the premier of China and says, "Dong,
where is my automobile?"
Peter: Lois, I tried to fit
in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. I
tell ya, this sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor.
[on "Survivor"]
Peter: How dare you wash your
clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? Now how are we gonna
survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain?
Bob Barker: All right, Donny,
make sure the wheel goes all the way around.
Peter: [Fakes being afraid]
Oh, no. Headhunters. Am I fired?
Lois: Daddy, Peter's been
trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you
give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow
night?
Carter: Sorry, honey. I'd
rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert
Gottfried, Carrot Top, uh, Sean Hayes.... well, you get
the picture.
Lois: Please?
Carter: No!
Lois: Okay. You know, maybe
later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce
her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
Carter: Say, would Peter like
to play poker with us?
Lois: He'd love to, Daddy.
Carter: That sounds dynamite.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Carter: Brian, come over here
and meet Seabreeze, my prize-winning dog. Isn't she a perfect
specimen? I mean, look at these legs, and that beautiful
coat, and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia. You
could roast a marshmallow. That's how you can tell she's
a champion. Go on, put your hand there.
Brian: Oh, boy. That is something.
Carter: Is that something?
Brian: That is something.
That is hot.
Carter: Isn't she the most
beautiful dog you've ever seen?
Brian: Yes, yes, she is a
beautiful dog. And that's okay.
Carter: Gentlemen, this is
Peter. He's the idiot my daughter married.
Michael Eisner: Michael Eisner.
Bill Gates: Bill Gates.
Carter: Bill, Peter's an antitrust
lawyer with the Justice Department. Just kidding. He's a
fisherman, or some stupid thing.
Ted Turner: Hey, fellas.
Peter: Wow! Ted Turner!
Carter: I told you guys not
to invite him.
Michael Eisner: He must have
followed us.
Ted Turner: Come on, ladies.
Are we gonna play cards or what?
Carter: Peter, why don't you
deal?
Peter: Okay, guys. We're playing
Texas Hold 'Em.
Ted Turner: Are aces high
or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: He said, "They
go both ways."
[All laughing]
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual.
Michael Eisner: Thank you,
Ted. That was the joke.
Ted Turner: I see your bet,
Carter. And I raise you CNN.
Carter: I don't think I can...
Peter: Wait, wait, wait. You
can beat him, Mr. Pewterschmidt. He's bluffing.
Carter: Peter, he just bet
CNN. There's no way he's bluffing.
Peter: I'm sure he is. He's
got a tell. Listen, if you lose this hand, I'll divorce
your daughter.
Carter: I'm in. All right,
Teddy. I'll see your CNN with US Steel. What do you got?
Ted Turner: Two pair.
Carter: Ace-high straight.
Ted Turner: You sold me out.
I could use a man like you. How's $1 million a year sound?
You disgust me! Get out of my face!
Carter: Peter, that's the
first time any of us have ever beaten Ted.
Bill Gates: Yeah. How did
you know he was bluffing?
Peter: Well, when he lies,
he blinks twice. I first noticed it when he did that Barbara
Walters interview, and he said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever.
Bill Gates: Well, I'm gonna
turn in.
Michael Eisner: Yeah. Me,
too. I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. We're ethnically
cleansing the "Small World" ride.
Peter: Come on. You guys practically
run this country. There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we
could do.
Bill Gates: All right!
Peter: Oh, man! There's a
tollbooth. Hey, anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?
Peter: Well, we gotta give
him something.
[All laughing]
Peter: Man, looking up at
the sky just makes you feel so small.
Bill Gates: Yeah. I mean,
if God created all this, who created God?
Michael Eisner: Maybe he created
himself.
Peter: Or herself. Think about
that.
Bill Gates: Neat. This guy's
deep, Carter. Where'd you find him?
Carter: He's my son-in-law.
[Cell phone rings]
Bill Gates: Okay, honey. I
gotta go, you want a ride?
Michael Eisner: Sure.
Peter: Wow!
Carter: Peter, I actually
had a good time with you tonight. And I just want to say-well-I'm
glad you married my daughter.
Peter: Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus: Actually, it wasn't
me. It was...
Vishnu: No, no. It's okay.
I'm used to it.
Carter: Having fun, Peter?
Peter: You bet. I put all
my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P.
Brian: Dog?
Carter: You got nothing to
worry about. Seabreeze is a sure thing.
Brian: Seabreeze?
Chris: Dad, where are the
jockeys?
Peter: They're all in the
laundry, son. I'm going Indian today.
Lois: Come on, Seabreeze!
Peter: Yeah! Come on! Come
on! Go! Go! Go!
Brian: [shuddering]
Lois: What's Brian doing?
Meg: Oh, my God!
Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: No, no, he's just awkwardly
positioning himself-now he's violating Seabreeze.
Stewie: [Making funky porn-style
music]
Brian: Mr. Pewterschmidt,
again, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this.
I don't know what came over me.
Carter: You had better not
have ruined my race dog!
Peter: Brian, I am very disappointed
in you! I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you
do in that situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and
I have a polio match to attend.
Carter: Get away from me!
You and that filthy mongrel of yours! How is she, Doctor?
Veternarian: She's fine. Seabreeze
will be able to race again. But, unfortunately, not for
another nine weeks. She's pregnant.
Brian: Look, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
I just want you to know, I am going to do the right thing
here.
Carter: You're not doing anything!
In fact, you're never going to see Seabreeze again! All
of you, pack your things and get out!
Peter:I am never speaking
to you again. Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan.
I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it
on with your dog. Everybody stand back. [wailing] Oh, boy.
Oh, God. Ah.
[front door]
Peter: Mr. Pewterschmidt,
please? Can we still be pals? See, look. I made a picture
of you and me out of glue and macaroni.
Carter: Wow, Peter! That means
a lot to me because you made it.
Peter: Really?
Carter: No! Get out of here!
Veternarian: Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Seabreeze is gone!
Carter: What?
Lois: I can't find Brian.
Carter: Peter, you know what
I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Seabreeze?
Peter: I think I have an idea.
[sobbing]
Man: This is the room. The
light switch is here. It's mostly for show. There's your
Murphy bed. Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves.
Mrs. Epstein: We're going
to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?
Mr. Epstein: Bobby Darin tomorrow.
Man: This is the bathroom.
But watch out. We got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: You're on our turf,
man!
Roach 2: Man, I cut you! I
cut you up so bad, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Man: I blame the schools.
[Mysterious instrumental music]
Brian: Were you followed?
Lois: Don't worry. I've got
a decoy.
Quagmire: Hi, Lois. Hubba-hubba.
Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh?
Chris: Well, I never!
Stewie: That's all right,
honey. I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go
get sundaes.
Lois: You know, we all really
miss you. And Peter talks about you all the time.
Brian: Oh, really? Anything
nice?
Lois: No.
Brian: So, he's still mad,
huh?
Lois: Well, I should go. Here.
Take this. It's probably not a good idea for us to meet
anymore. Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he could.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Michael Eisner: Bingo!
Bill Gates: I told you she'd
lead us to him. Let's call Pewterschmidt.
Michael Eisner: No, wait.
Let's take the jetpacks!
Bill Gates: Cool!
Michael Eisner: Man! The people
look like ants from up here.
Bill Gates: They are ants,
Michael. They are ants.
Tricia Takanawa: This is Tricia
Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the
whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt
fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel.
Ah, I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene.
Prostitute: Who's that, baby?
Tom Tucker: Hello, this is
Tom Tucker's...evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his
brother's reputation. [fake evil laugh] I'm going back inside
to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still
have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Lois: Brian, please, eat something.
Brian: Why bother? My face
is plastered all over the news. Your father won't let me
see the dog who's carrying my puppies. And my best friend
is going to incredible lengths to ignore me.
Lois: Brian, don't let him
get to you. Peter, come out of that thing!
Brian: He can't hear you,
Lois. Besides, it's not him that's getting to me, it's your
father.
Lois: I'm sorry. I talked
to him, but he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. I
don't know how my mother puts up with it. He did promise
to take good care of the puppies though.
Brian: Well, you know, they're
not his to take care of. They're my kids! And I'm gonna
get them back. My father wasn't there for me, but dammit
I'm gonna be there for my kids! I'm gonna sue your dad for
custody!
[Solemn instrumental music]
Lois: Daddy, please, stop
this. Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're
born.
Carter: Sorry, pumpkin.
Lois: I had no idea you could
be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this!
Carter: Oh, you'll be fine.
You're just having your period.
Judge: This court will now
come to order.
Lawyer: Brian, do you like
children?
Brian: I love children. That's
why I'm here. I want the opportunity to raise my puppies.
Lawyer: Do you remember an
incident at a South Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996?
Brian: Yeah, I guess.
Baby [Baby screaming]
Brian: [screaming back] You
like that? You like that? [Screaming] You just tune this
out, don't you? Well, tune this out! [Screaming]
[Both scream]
Brian: Shut up! <back in
court> Look, I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-hammy
was overcooked...
Lawyer: I also have your rental
records from the Quahog Video Store. Can you read the last
two titles, please?
Brian: Son-In-Law and Bio-dome.
Lawyer: And who's the star
of those films?
Brian: Pauly Shore.
Lawyer: Pauly Shore!
Man: He's terrible!
Brian: But I rented those
for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping
over their movies.
[Mysterious music on TV]
Charles Foster Kane: Rosebud.
[Dramatic music on TV]
Peter: It's his sled. It was
his sled from when he was a kid. There. I just saved you
two long, boobless hours.
Lawyer: How convenient! Blame
it on someone else. Is that the kind of man we want raising
these puppies?
Brian: Peter? You got to believe
me, Your Honor.
Carter: Uh, Peter, I'm putting
together another card game. You in?
Peter: You want me to play?
Carter: Absolutely. But first
I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours.
Peter: I don't know if I can
do that.
Carter: Ooh, that's too bad.
Because Bill and Michael really want to see you again. They're
coming over later, and Bill's going to bring his Stretch
Armstrong.
Peter: Oh, man! And his arms
stretch out to next week!
Carter: Your Honor, Peter
Griffin would like to take the stand.
Lawyer: Mr. Griffin, which
of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin?
"Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"?
Peter: I guess "problem drinker."
But that's...
Lawyer: Thank you. "Sexual
deviant" or "magic picture that you stare at till you see
something"?
Peter: "Sexual deviant," but
that other one's...
Lawyer: Thank you. Isn't it
true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt, that
Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed
to see his children?
[All gasping]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Peter: Brian should be allowed
to see his puppies!
Carter: Peter, think about
what you're doing.
Peter: I am. Your Honor, Brian'll
be a great dad. Hell, if I was half the parent Brian is,
I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is...
Brian: Chocolate-chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite
bedtime story is...
Brian: Goodnight, Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's
name is...
Brian: Stan Thompson.
Meg: [Pop music on headphones]
Judge: I've heard enough.
I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. However,
if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track he would
be setting a bad example for his puppies. Therefore, I grant
Brian custody with the condition that he be neutered first.
Peter: Yeah! You did it, buddy!
Congratulations! Oh, man! What does "neutered" mean?
Brian: You're almost there,
Seabreeze. Oh, and, also, I didn't bring this up before,
but promise me you won't eat any of them.
Carter: You know, Brian, it
occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy where a man
must choose between himself and his children. Of course,
you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese."
Veternarian: We're ready for
you, down the hall.
Peter: Are you sure you want
to go through with this, Brian? Because you could have puppies
with another dog. Oh, maybe with a condor! Then you'd have
flying puppies. Would you like that, Brian? Flying puppies?
Brian: No, Peter. Those puppies
in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them.
Anything.
Peter: I am not looking forward
to what you'll be like once they do this to you.
Brian: I love chocolate! But
I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's so good!
Veternarian: Are you ready,
Brian?
Brian: I guess so.
Lois: Stop! Brian, come quick!
Brian: Oh, my God! Those aren't
my puppies!
Peter: Well, then whose are
they?
[All barking]
Carter: You! You're a whore!
A filthy, filthy whore!
Lois: You must be so relieved.
Brian: Well, actually, I was
kind of looking forward to being a dad.
Peter: Don't worry. There'll
be other chances.
Peter: You know what's funny?
I always thought that dogs laid eggs. And I learned something
today.
[closing theme music]
