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Episode Guide - Script Archive

Episode: Brian - Potrait of a Dog (107)
Prod no.: 1ACX07
Original US Air Date: 16 May 1999

Transcript put together by Noah Jackson

// THIS TRANSCRIPT IS FOR EDUCATIONAL USE ONLY!!!

Scripted by Noah Jackson -:- users3.50megs.com/familyguy/
Episode FG107 | Brian: Portrait of a Dog
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(The Griffins are watching TV.)
Peter : "Come on everyone, our Eight is Enough reunion show is about to start!"
(on TV)
Dad : "Oh Mary? Have you seen Nicholas?"
Daughter 1 : "He's up in his room sulking, Dad."
Daughter 2 : "Yeah, he's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards."
Dad : "Oh well, maybe I should make him a sandwich."
Daughter 2 : "Oh Dad, that's your solution to everything!"
(Dad hits Daughter 2 onto floor and slaps her seven more times.)
Daughter 1 : "Dad! Dad!"
Dad : "WHAT!?"
Daughter 1 : "Eight is enough!"
(Dad laughs.)
Dad : Oh, you know I love you girls."
(The Griffins look appalled.)
(Opening song.)
(Lois is at piano.)
Lois : "It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV."
Peter : "But where are those good old-fashion values. . ."
Family : "On which we used to rely?"
Family : "Lucky there's a Family Guy!"
Family : "Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us. . ."
Stewie : "Laugh and cry!"
Family : "He's a Family Guy!"
(Cut to bedroom. Stewie is cutting up Lois' blouses.)
Stewie : "Splendid! That house-frau's cheap rayon blouses will make a servicable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight. . .once it's built of course." (to Rupert the teddy bear) "Rupert! Did you call that engineer at Lock Lead yet? No, of course you didn't, you worthless little-" (punches it) "There! See what you made me do! Do you think I enjoy hitting you? . . . Well, actually I do; I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it again!"
(Lois enters.)
Lois : "Oh, Stewie! My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?" (to Brian) "Thanks for telling me Brian. I don't know what we'd do without you."
(Lois exits. Stewie is tapping his foot.)
Stewie : I'm on to you; oh yes! Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You prance about this house like a cock on the walk; but will you be prancing when. . .when. . when there's nothing to prance about? Hmm? Will you be prancing then?
(Stewie exits angrily.)
Brian : (to himself) "Oh, you just want to eat him up."
(Cut to living room. Family is watching TV. Meg enters.)
Meg : "Ohh, it is so hot out there."
Family: (as if reciting something) "How hot is it?"
Meg : (confused) "Umm, I dunno, like, around ninety eight, ninety nine?"
Peter : "I don't get it."
Meg : "Ooh, I think I'm a little sweaty."
Stewie : (to Chris) "You! You seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce; what do they call that one?"
Chris : "Thats Meg, dude. You know that."
Stewie : "Meg! You vile smelling girl! You are not to touch any of my things, do you understand me? Dirty, dirty girl."
(Cut to outside. We see the house.)
(Cut back to living room. Chris and Lois are watching the news with many fans going. Tom and Diane are fanning themselves; Tom has no jacket and Diane's blouse is open.)
Diane : "Meanwhile here at home, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave."
Tom : "I don't think you should use the word 'freak,' Diane, some people might find it offensive."
(Cut to Tom Tucker's kitchen.)
Tom : "Finish your oatmeal, son."
(Tom's son's face is upside-down.)
Son : "Why bother? Im just a freak! A freak!"
(Runs out. Tom looks worried and shakes his head. Cut back to living room.)
Tom : "We're all a little different Diane, each one of us."
Diane : "Good point Tom. We're certainly feeling the effects of this heat wave even here in our studio." (disguised as sneeze) "Freak!" (normal voice) "So stay inside and stay cool."
Chris : "I think I saw one of her nipples!"
Lois : "Chris! That's a terrible word. . .'nipple.' I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister."
(Stewie enters in a diaper.)
Stewie : I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!"
Lois : "Please don't threaten mommy, she's very hot."
Meg : "Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!"
Chris : "Yeah well, you're hogging up all the ugly!"
(Peter enters.)
Peter : "Hey check this out you guys, the Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year. First prize is five hundred bucks!"
Lois : "Really? (to Brian) You know, if you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner."
Meg : "Hey Brian, you could win for sure! You could do your impression of a barbershop quartet!"
(Cut to back yard. Family is watching Brian.)
Brian : (singing in harmony with himself) "We were sailing along, on Moonlight Bay; we could hear the voices singing, they seemed to say. . ."
(Cut back to living room.)
Brian : "Uh, sorry I don't do dog shows, it's not my thing."
Peter : "Come on Brian, all you gotta do is a few simple commands, maybe a trick or two; hell, it'll be like taking candy from a baby."
(Cut to a park. A woman and her baby are standing next to Peter; the baby is holding a lollipop. Peter tries to take it but the mother slaps his hand away. Cut back to living room.)
Meg : "Please Brian?"
Brian : "I don't know, I mean, you know I don't even know where my papers are; can't we get the money some other way?"
Peter : "Oh believe me I've been trying. That's why I went on that game show."
(Cut to a game of "Jeapordy!" Peter is a contestant.)
Alex Trebek : "For eight hundred dollars. . .this chemical dye is found in over ninety five percent of all cosmetic products."
(Peter quickly buzzes in.)
Peter : "Diarrhea."
(The audience laughs.)
Peter : "What? Oh oh oh, sorry. What is diarrhea?"
(Cut back to living room.)
Peter : "Come on Brian, we really need a new air conditioner."
(Brian groans. Cut to hallway.)
Peter : "Uh, okay, let's uh, go over the commands. Uh. . .sit!"
(Brian walks offscreen and returns with a chair. He sits in it.)
Peter : "Good, uh, roll over."
Brian : "Peter, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here, lets call it a night, huh?"
Peter : "Look, do you want to win this thing or not? We haven't even talked about how you're gonna wear your ears; you know, 'cause I was thinking up."
Brian : "Oh, I need a cocktail."
(Brian exits.)
Lois : "Don't push too hard Peter. You've got to take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show."
Peter : "Lois honey, I love you, but you're sucking all the energy out of the room."
(Cut to outside of the house. Cut to Brian in bathroom. He is using a hair drier. There are knocks at the door.)
Brian : "Come."
Lois : "I uh, got you a little something. You know, for the show."
(Lois gives Brian a box. Inside is a leather collar.)
Lois : "It's Italian, heh. Do you like it?"
Brian : "Oh, it's exquisite."
Lois : "It's not for every day."
Brian : "Oh, clearly. I'm going to put it on right now."
Lois : "I know how hard you've been working, and well, the whole family appreciates it."
Brian : "Thank you, Lois."
Lois : "I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian?"
(Brian smiles.)
Lois : "You look very handsome."
(Lois leaves. Brian administers eyedrops, then breathes in deeply.)
Brian : "Show time!"
(Cut to stadium. The sun is bright.)
Announcer : "Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show. Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits."
(A bird flying by bursts into flames. Brian sees all the other dogs.)
Brian : "Peter, I'm not really comfortable with all this." (turns to dog sniffing Brian's ass) "Do I know you?"
(The dog whimpers and runs off.)
Brian : "I don't think I can do this."
Peter : "You can't back out now! Look, how about a pill, something to relax you before you go on."
Lois : "Peter! Are you offering Brian drugs?"
Peter : "Not drugs, Lois! Just the little blue things celebrities take to help them perform."
Lois : "Well those celebrities are wrong."
Peter : "Lois! If Liza is wrong, then I don't want to know what right is."
(Cut to Liza Minelli's dressing room. She is sitting.)
Voice : "Two minutes to curtain, Miss Minelli!"
Liza Minelli : "Oh, come on baby! Mama's got to sparkle! It's time to make life a Cabaret!"
(The camera moves to show that she is talking to a blue M & M.)
Blue M & M : "Lady, for god's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!
(Cut back to dog show. Stewie is in his stroller fanning himself. He groans.)
Stewie : "You there! Child-woman! I'll give you a shiny new dime if you roll me into the nearest lake!"
Meg : "Let me see if I can find you a juice box, 'k?"
Stewie : "Yes, and get the let out, pudgy!"
Announcer : "Next: Peter Griffin and his dog, Brain!"
Brian : "Well, they're off to a good start."
(Man holds stopwatch. He raises his hand and Brian readies himself. His hand drops and Brian starts to run. He runs over a hurdle, through a pipe, over a seesaw, then stops for a smoke. He rubs out his cigarette and continues running. He proceeds to run over a bridge, over three more hurdles, and through a tire.)
Announcer : "A beautiful performance from Brain Griffin!"
Meg and Lois : "Go Brian!"
Chris : "Yeah Brain!"
Peter : "All right Brian, we got it all sewn up."
(Peter balances a dog biscuit on Brian's nose.)
Brian : "What the hell is this?"
Peter : "Oh this? Uh, well this is the part where you uh, you beg for a treat."
Brian : "Oh, I don't think so."
(Brian snatches the biscuit off his nose.)
Peter : "Brian, you're emberrassing me!"
Lois : "God, he can't expect Brian to do that!"
Chris : "It's easier than it looks, Mom."
Peter : "Come on Brian, we had a deal!"
Brian : "Yeah well, the deal's off! Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car."
(Brian exits.)
Peter : "Brian, come! Hey, don't you walk out on me! (aware that the audience is watching) Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, put me off. Good boy! Heh heh, heh heh! (looks around nervously)

(commercial break)

(Family is driving home.)
Peter : "How could you let me down like that, Brian?"
Brian : "Oh I let you down? Why; because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of a good dog?"
Peter : "This was the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. Well, you know, this and not uh, do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet."
Brian : "Oh, one time I did that, one time!"
Lois : "Peter, Brian, please! Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do!"
Chris : "Yeah, except for the time Dad hit that deer."
(Cut to country road. A deer's car has collided with the Griffins'. They inspect the crash.)
Peter : "Looks like it's justa ding; you know, there's really no reason to get the insurance companies involved."
Deer : "Well you know, I should still take down your information, though. . ."
Peter : "Really? Cause you know, you could probably just buff that out."
(Lots of garbled talk between the two.)
Deer : "No, I would really, I would really feel better if I got your information."
(Cut back to car.)
Peter : "You know Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong. Maybe you don't really care about this family."
Brian : "Peter if you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading!"
Peter : "Look, the next time I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it, understand?"
Lois : "Who wants to sing show tunes?"
(Lois starts to sing loudly.)
Brian : "Stop the car."
Peter : "Oh, oh is that what you want mister? Yeah? 'Cause I'll stop!"
Brian : "Pull over. Now."
Peter : "Fine!"
(Brian gets out. Lois groans.)
Lois : "Brian, don't do this."
(Brian's eyes narrow. He walks away.)
Stewie : "Is the doggie going bye-bye? Oh I'm so sad." (waits until Brian is behind the car) "Quick back up!"
(Cut to street at night. Brian is walking when he sees headlights.)
Brian : "Oh great."
(Policecar stops him.)
Brian : "Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer : "Can I see your license, boy?"
Brian : "'Boy'?" (searches for his license) "Oh. Oh god, uh, heh, I left it on my other collar. Heh."
(Officer shines light in Brian's eyes.)
Officer : "You been chasing cars tonight, boy?"
(Brian shields his eyes.)
Brian : "Look the name is Brian; I was just out for a little walk, that's all."
Officer : "Uh huh, with out a leash."
(Brian's eyes narrow.)
Officer : "I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk."
(Brian looks at him.)
Officer : "Hey. Down!"
Brian : "Oh, I don't believe this." (lies down)
(Cut to outside of Griffin house. Policecar is outside. Cut to inside the front door.)
Peter : "I uh, don't suppose you could let us off with a warning, huh?"
Officer : "Sorry sir, but leash laws are for his own good. The fine is ten dollars. (to Brian) You behave, little fella, you hear me?"
Brian : "Oh lordy lordy I never roam again!"
(Officer leaves.)
Brian : "Jackass."
Peter : "Hey, he's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house. And you better start obeying both of us."
Brian : "Oh lookit you, big man! Can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family."
(Brian exits.)
Peter : "Jeez, what a bitch."
(Cut to outside. We see the house. Cut to kitchen. Family is watching the news.)
Diane : "Good morning Quahog! Well the heat wave has finally broken, Tom."
Tom : "It sure has Diane. You know what they say, if you don't like the weather in New England, go back where you came from."
Diane : "Uh, I don't think that's the expression."
Tom : "Yeah I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning. But anyway-"
(Tom burps up red liquid.)
Tom : "Oh God I hope the boss isn't watching."
(Diane laughs)
Peter : "Heh! I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning."
Meg : "Mm, something smells good."
Lois : "Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube!"
(Lois pokes the Pillsbury doughboy as in the commercials.)
Doughboy : "Hmm hmm! Nothing says I love you like something from. . ."
(Lois starts to roll over the Doughboy with the rolling pin.)
Doughboy : "Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!"
(The rest of what the doughboy says is muffled as he is flattened.)
Lois : "These ought to cheer Brian up. Cinnamon buns are his favorite!"
Peter : "Really? 'Cause, you know I could have sworn his favorite was 'treat Peter like crap' buns."
(Brian enters.)
Lois : "Good morning Brian!"
(Brian ignores her.)
Lois : "My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely, isn't it Peter?"
Peter : "Uh, yeah, yeah! Uh, it must be that special 'Jojobar(?)' shampoo I bought you. It cost a little extra but uh," (sarcastically) "I would do anything for you, Brian."
Brian : "I'll be on the veranda, since you're already on the cross."
Lois : "Oh, eat with us Brian, I made cinnamon buns!"
Brian : "May I have one on a plate, or is Peter planning to balance it on my nose?"
Lois : "Peter Brian stop this! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?"
(Cut to old-fashion black and white cartoon. Music plays. Caption : "Peter and Brian: Fixin' the shed. Brian is cutting a piece of lumber. Peter brings in another piece and drops it on the ground. While Peter digs in his pocket for a handkerchief a safe falls on Brian. Peter is shocked and looks around nervously. Then he digs in his pocket again and pulls out a stethoscope. Holding it against the safe, he is able to crack the code. He opens it and Brian is standing inside. They dance around a bit. Caption : "ha-ha-ha-ha!" Peter and Brian walk off into the sunset holding hands. Caption : "THE END" Music stops. Cut back to kitchen.)
Brian : "We can never go back to the way things were; not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen."
Chris : "What did you see? Was it breasts?"
Peter : "Aww jeez, get over it Brian! I mean how bad do you really have it here? When I found you you were nothing but a stray!"
(Brian is taken aback.)
Brian : "You swore you would never speak of that!"
(Cut to street. A stray dog (Brian) is holding a sign : "Will sit for food" and takes a swig of booze. Peter drives up and stops for a red light. Brian grabs a spray bottle and a piece of newspaper and starts to wash his windshield.)
Peter : "Uh uh, No thank you, I just had it cleaned. Oh uh, uh. Aww; aww jeez."
Brian : "All set sir."
Peter : "I uh, don't have any change. Sorry."
Brian : "Oh. Well that's okay. No charge."
(Brian starts to walk away.)
Peter : "Oh uh, Wait, wait. Uh, uh, you hungry? Cause uh, you know my wife makes this beefaroni casserole. . .outta this world."
(Brian smiles and wags his tail. Cut back to kitchen.)
Peter : "Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here. Now just eat your cinnamon bun and stop being a bad dog."
Brian : "How dare you! How dare you!"
Peter : "How dare I? How dare I?"
(Brian starts to exit angrily.)
Peter : "Hey where do you think you're going?"
Brian : "Out."
Peter : "Hey hey, you're not going anywhere without your leash."
Brian : "I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk."
(Brian exits.)
Peter : "Don't worry." (holds up some strange unrecognizable object) "He won't get far without this."
(Cut to Quahog Mini-Mart. Brian puts a box of baggies on the counter.)
Brian : "And a pack of Eldorados. Unfiltered."
(Clerk looks at him.)
Brian : "What? Oh that. Yeah." (points to baggies) "I'll clean that up on my way out."
Clerk : "See that sign?"
(Clerk points to a sign : "No Dogs Allowed".)
Clerk : "Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter; I don't want any trouble."
(Clerk reaches for a gun under the counter. Brian backs away slowly.)
(Cut to outside of house. Cut to living room. The family is watching TV. A daughter and her mother sit in a park.)
Daughter : "Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?"
Mother : "What do you mean honey?"
Daughter : "You know, have you ever felt. . .not so fresh?"
Mother : "I'm, I'm not sure what you're, I, I don't follow you."
Daughter : "Um. . .have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty?"
(Mother looks at her blankly.)
Daughter : "Down. . .there?"
Mother : "Oh. Oh! Oh, oh, oh oh oh God no."
Lois : "Ohh, that was Brian's favorite commercial."
Peter : "Brian, Brian, Brian. No, no it's not ringing a bell."
Lois : "Oh stop it. We all miss him. Go find him, apologize and bring him home!"
Peter : "Look, you heard him. He doesn't want to be a part of this family. And we don't need him. We can get another pet."
Chris: "No way Dad. No one can take Brian's place!"
Stewie : "Silence, silence! That mongrel is probably decomposing by the side of a dirtroad as we speak!" (jumping up and down) "Let's get a kitty!"
Peter : "See gang? Stewie's got the right idea."
Lois : "I don't know, Peter."
Peter : "Lois, trust me. We'll get a lovable kitty cat and everybody will feel a lot better."
(Cut to kitchen. Grey kitten growls. It is up on top of the refrigerator. The family surrounds it on the floor.)
Peter : (quietly) "Here kitty kitty kitty. Come on down. Nice and easy. That's a good kitty."
(A firecracker falls to the ground and explodes.)
Family : "Aah!" (takes a step back)
Peter : "What the hell was that?"
(Another falls and explodes.)
Family : "Aah!" (takes another step back)
(Cut to outside of Taste of Sicily. Brian walks in. Cut to inside.)
Brian : "Uh. Something near a window, preferably a booth."
(Cut to alley behind restaurant. Brian is thrown out into said alley.)
Brian : "Yeah. Yeah you got fifty Puerto Ricans in the kitchen. Yeah yeah, that's authentic Italian!"
(Brian walks off angrily. He comes upon a scrawny looking dog and a well bred female dog sitting over a plate of spaghetti a la Lady and the Tramp. The male nudges the meatball toward the female.)
Brian : "Oh don't do that, that's what they expect you to do!"
(The male dog growls.)
Brian : "Yeah okay, fine for you, but what about your puppies? And your puppies' puppies! God! Am I the only one that's outraged here!"
(Brian takes a deep breath.)
Brian : "I, I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner." (walks off)
(Cut to outside of house. Cut to kitchen. Lois is making dinner.)
Peter : "Hey, how come you're still setting a place for Brian?"
Lois : "Because when he comes home I want him to know he never left our thoughts. I know you're thinking about him too, Peter."
Peter : "Look, Lois, he broke his promise to me. Besides, we have a new pet. And we love our fluffy kitty!"
(Peter Walks out. His back is bloody and scratched up.)
(Cut to park. Brian walks up to a water fountain and starts to drink.)
Woman : "Oh gross, did he just drink out of a fountain?"
(Two policeman walk on.)
Policeman : "Hey! Hey you!"
(Brian starts to run. The policemen follow.)
Policeman : "Stay!"
(Brian enters what looks like a South American town. The policemen still follow. As Brian runs past two fruit carts he tips the contents onto the ground so as to block the policemen. They walk through carefully and look around. A hooded person Brian's size walks by. The policemen grab her and removes the hood to reveal it is not Brian it is a midget.)
Midget : "Ahh! Ohhh!" (runs off, as do the policemen)
(The lid comes off a basket and Brian's head pokes out. Out of another basket comes Joyce DeWitt.)
Brian : "Joyce DeWitt! So that's where you've been."
Joyce : "Sshhh!"
(Cut to inside of bus station. Brian is sleeping on a bench. Man approaches.)
Man : "Sorry Pooch, you gotta sleep outside. No dogs allowed in the bus station."
Brian : "Oh uh, my my, my, my blind guy's in the john."
Man : "Mm hmm. I'll point him in your direction."
(Brian groans and exits. Cut to bedroom. Lois is combing her hair. A tennis ball is on the floor. Peter picks it up.)
Peter : "Ohh. Brian's tennis ball. Man, he loved to play with this thing."
(Cut to tennis court. Brian serves the ball.)
Referee : "Double fault!"
(Brian hits himself on the head with the racquet.)
Brian : "Oh. Come on, Brian. . ."
(Cut back to bedroom.)
Lois : "Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian?"
Peter : "Ohh you're right, Lois. Who'm I kidding? This family needs Brian. I need him."
(The kitten jumps on to Peter's head, pulling up his eyelids and growling.)
Peter : "God, I hate this freakin' cat."
(Cut to street. A sign "Lost dog" with a picture of Brian on blows by in the wind. Brian stands on a corner looking scraggly and scrawny. A man walks by.)
Brian : "Can you uh, spare some change?"
Man : "Why? So you can go buy another bottle of booze? Why don't you try to make someting of your life?" (points to Brian's sign) "Like this dog."
Brian : "That's me!" (sees his reflection in window) "I mean. . .that was me."
Man : "Yeah. Sure."
(The man starts to walk away. Brian follows him.)
Brian : "No, I mean it. That was me!"
Man : "Get away from me, you crazy animal!"
Brian : "All right, you want me to be a crazy animal?" (gets down on all fours) "Okay! I'm a crazy animal!"
(Brian dives for the man's leg and bites his pant leg and growls. The man shouts for help. Peter hears the noise and sees that a crowd has formed around Brian.)
Brian : "All right who wants to be next?" (points to a man) "You?" (the man jumps back; Brian points to another) "You?" (this man does the same thing)
(Peter runs up to Brian.)
Peter : "Hey Brian! Brian!"
(Brian calms down and wags his tail.)
Peter : "I'm here to bring you-"
(Peter is interrupted by a policecar driving up and snatching Brian.)
Brian : "Whoa. . ."
Policeman : "You're going downtown, pal."
(Brian is dragged into the policecar, which drives away.)
Peter : ". . .home."

(Commercial break)

(Brian is in a cell with a vicious looking dog.)
Brian : "Hi. How's it going?"
(The dog advances on him.)
Brian : "Oh God. Uh, I know karate." (makes exaggerated hand and leg movements) "Whoo. Whah heeuh uuhh. Oh look." (points other way) "A tasty little baby."
(The dog looks and Brian kicks him between the legs.)
Brian : "Well, I see somebody's been neutered."
(The dog turns and jumps at Brian. He covers his eyes but the dog is blocked by the door being opened.)
Woman : "Come on, sugar, it's time."
Brian : "Thank god."
(Cut to a room. The family sits on one side and a man sits at a desk on the other. Brian and the woman enter.)
Man : "Oh, he's cute. Aren't you precious." (stamps a form) "Lethal injection! Next!"
Brian : "What?!"
Lois : "Oh no!"
Peter : "Oh, you can't do this!"
Stewie : "Well! Who's up for a little lunch, hmm? Something festive. Did someone say 'Tex Mex'?"
(The woman puts a leash on Brian.)
Woman : "I'm sorry, sugar."
Brian : (to Peter) "Help me. . ." Peter : "Don't worry buddy, I'll get you out of this! I'm gonna get us the best help there is!"
(Cut to dining room. Peter is writing a letter.)
Peter : "Dear MacGuyver: Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw. Please save my dog."
(Cut to MacGuyver's living room. He picks up the straw and looks at it. He then sticks the paper clip into the end if the straw, and attaches the rubber band to the paper clip. He stretches back the rubber band and the paper clip pops out and hits him in the eye.)
MacGuyver : "Aaah!"
(Cut to outside of animal pound. Cut to that room with the glass wall with holes in it for the prisoners to talk through with their families; whatever the hell that room is called. Two dogs whimper at each other through the glass, and Lois and Brian talk.)
Lois : "You're looking well."
Brian : "Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous. That's why the man's gonna put me down."
Lois : "Oh don't say that, Brian! Peter's working on your appeal. You'll see. Everything's gonna work out."
Brian : "Hah! I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is; I'm a second-class citizen, Lois!"
(Peter enters.)
Peter : "Brian! Great news. The city council agreed to hear your case!"
Brian : "You're kidding! If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all! Oh, I don't know how to thank you, Peter!"
Lois : "We're family. This is what we do for each other. Right, Peter?"
(Peter is watching a dog rub her chest up against the glass for a prisoner dog.)
Lois : (whispered) "Peter don't stare."
(Cut to Brian's cell. Various scenes are shown with Brian studying law. Music plays in the background. Brian pulls a magazine out from under his mattress "Barely Legal Bitches - All Models Over 3".)
(Cut to outside of Quahog City Hall. Cut to inside. Brian enters the courtroom wearing a business suit.)
Woman : "Oh, good luck, sweetness."
Brian : "Thanks, Felicia."
Judge : "This meeting was called to review the judgment of City of Quahog versus Brian Griffin."
Brian : "Justice. For all? Or for some? Does a dog not feel? If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend, but. . .but what manner of friend is man? I would like to cite, if I may, the case of Plessy versus Ferguson-"
Judge : "Wait, wait a minute. Why are we listening to a dog? Take him away!"
(A guard grabs Brian.)
Brian : "But. . .but does not every dog have his day?"
(Peter stands in the audience.)
Peter : "Wat, please, please. I. . .I gotta say something. Look, all Brian's ever wanted was the same respect he gives us! . . .well, you know, that and snausages. Heh, hes mental for those snausages; heh, heh. And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when Brian is sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the ood-may but Brian won't am-scray. . ."
Lois : "Peter."
Peter : "Okay okay okay. Look, the point is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. (to Brian) And I'm, and I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy. Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes, we all need to forgive!"
Chris : (in tears) "I stole ten dollars from Meg's room."
Meg : (in tears) "I stole ten dollars from Mom's purse."
Lois : (in tears) "I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years."
Judge : "Mister Griffin, this dog is a danger to society, albeit an articulate and charismatic one, but the law is the law, and it cannot be circumvented by pretty words!"
Peter : "I'll give you each twenty bucks."
Judge : "Deal. He can go."
(The family runs forward and hugs Brian.)
Stewie : "Mistrial, damn you! Mistrial!"
(They all walk out of the City Hall. A crowd watches them pass by. Victorious music plays in the air. Brian walks toward a water fountain but it is blocked by two policemen. The music stops. The first starts to advance angrily, but the other grabs his shoulder.)
Policeman : "No. Let him go."
(The music flares up again as Brian walks forward and takes a drink. Lois blinks away a tear. A man in the crowd starts to clap, and stops when nobody else joins him.)
(Cut to outside of house. Cut to living room. Family is watching TV. Lois enters.)
Lois : "Anybody want more pizza rolls?"
Peter : "Yeah yeah yeah, quiet, Lois. 'Murder, She Wrote'."
(On TV)
Jessica : "Charles Monson! After all these years!"
Charles : "Jessica Fletcher! Why, I haven't seen you since you had the uh, the, uh. . ."
Jessica : "You can say it, Charles. I'm not ashamed. Abortion."
Peter : "Aha! So she's the murderer!"
Lois : "Come on kids. Bedtime. Good night, Brian. Welcome home."
(Lois kisses Brian, then exits.)
Kids : "Good night." (they exit, except for Stewie)
Stewie : "Dog."
Brian : "Yeah."
(Stewie stares at Brian, then exits. Peter is still watching TV. Brian licks his face. Peter smiles.) Brian : "If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you."