From Family Guy Wiki, your fan-created Family Guy resource.

Theme Music

Peter: Gosh, some of this stuff, you wonder who would ever need it in bulk. I mean, like watermelons.

[Gallagher is seen buying a 12-pack of watermelons]

Peter: Touché, CostMart.

Lois: Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?

Brian: Sure.

Lois: And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time.

[flashback to bedroom]

Brian: Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.

Stewie: Shut up! You're not my mother!

Brian: Good God! Are you all right?

Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?

[back at CostMart]

Peter: Mmm, delicious. I will seriously consider purchasing this product.

Peter 2: What have we here? May I partake? [Exclaiming approvingly]

Samurai Peter: Ah, Sausage-san. Plan to buy great amount for samurai buddies.

Clerk: Sir, you don't have to keep moving to the back of the line. You can have as many as you want. They're free.

Samurai Peter: What are you talking about?

Peter: Can I have some more sausage?

Peter 2: Yeah. Me too?

Lois: Ooh, they got a great deal on pianos if you buy a four-pack. Meg, help me get these down.

Ross: Lois?

Lois: Oh, my God! <piano crushes Meg> I can't believe this. Ross Fishman, is that really you? I haven't seen you since college. How are you?

Ross: Great, great. Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit.

Lois: Oh, thank you. This 12-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg.

Meg: Help me.

[Gallagher crushes melon on Meg's head; all laugh]

Man 1: He's funny.

Man 2: That was great.

Man 3: Is it 1981?

Stewie: Ah, yes, there you are! You people at the Industrial Adhesives Corporation certainly know how to make a tasty glue. Well then, let the banquet begin!

Brian: Whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing? Don't eat that.

Stewie: Oh, for God's sake! Don't be such a nerd!

Brian: Look, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.

Stewie: You can let go of my hand now.

Brian: You can let go of mine.

[Both grunting] [Panting] [Dramatic instrumental music]

Brian: Oh...

Stewie: ...crap!

Lois: Ross, I can't tell you how wonderful it's been to see you. It's a crime that it's been so long. We were so close.

Ross: Maybe we could get together for a cup of coffee, catch up.

Lois: Well...I don't know, Ross. I'm married now.

Ross: Well, so am I. Does that mean we can't stay in touch with old friends? Tell you what. If you change your mind, here's my card.

Chris: Hey, look, Dad! They have 12-packs of kidneys!

Peter: Yeah, but you got to buy the cooler, too. That's how they get you.

Brian: Okay, thanks.

Stewie: Well?

Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery.

Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?

Brian: You cannot tell Lois about this.

Stewie: Oh, and what if I do?

Brian: I'll show her the pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.

Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!

Lois: Come on, Stewie. Time to change your diaper.

Brian: Mind if I watch?

Lois: And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.

Brian: Yeah, Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy with you and other men. Like that time at the movies?

Hugh Grant: [Stammering] My, this is terribly awkward. But I wanted to tell you something. But I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.

Lois: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.

Peter: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!

Chris: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!

Brian: And when you went to that concert?

Singer: Thank you, thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.

[Women screaming]

Brian: And then there was last Saturday night.

Lois: Look at that handsome man.

Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches mirror]

Lois: I can't let Peter's irrational emotions run my life! I'll call Ross and see if it's not too late to take him up on his offer. Would you mind finishing up?

Brian: Uh, sure.

Stewie: Yes, yes, do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say, "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.

[Magnum, pi music and titles on TV]

Magnum: TC, you fly the chopper around the island. I'll go talk to the beautiful women. And Tattoo here will keep an eye out for the kidnappers.

Higgins: Higgins.

Magnum: We'll need to have security unlock the gate for me out front. Okay, Tattoo?

Higgins: It's Higgins.

Magnum: What?

Higgins: The name is Higgins.

Magnum: What's your name?

Higgins: Tattoo!

Lois: Oh, um, Peter, I'm just gonna go out for a few hours. So, I'll return in a few hours.

Peter: Yeah, I'll do it when this is over. Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer? Lois?

Chris: Dad, I think she went out.

Peter: All right. Then you be Lois.

Chris: Okay.

Peter: Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-oh, my God! You've really let yourself go!

Chris: Well, maybe if you bought me some nice clothes once in a while!

[Siren wailing]

Joe: Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!

Cleveland: Fooled you!

[All laughing]

Peter: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?

Joe: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?

Peter: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.

Cleveland: What?

Joe: Oh, my God!

Quagmire:: Oh, man!

Peter: Fooled you! Come on, let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.

Joe: This van has the latest in law-enforcement technology. Watch.

Van: Suspect! Suspect! You have the right to remain silent!

Peter: Sweet.

Cleveland: Hey, let me try.

Joe: Cleveland, don't!

Van: Minority suspect! Minority suspect! Danger, he's got a gun!

Cleveland: [shouting]

Quagmire:: Oh, no, the van's gone!

Joe: No, no, it's got a cloaking device that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting over a wedge of cheese.

Quagmire: Hey, Peter, isn't that Lois over there in that diner?

Peter: What would Lois be doing at a diner? I already ate.

Joe: Take a look.

Peter: Oh, my God! That is Lois! Why the hell would she... Whoa! I can see your skin cells!

Cell 1: I saw you on the cover of Scientific American. You looked great.

Cell 2: Oh, please! Where my eyes are half-closed?

Cell 1: God! Just take the damn compliment.

Peter: What the hell is Lois doing with another man?

Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dialysis? As in my fantasy? You know what? Let's just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

Peter: I wish I knew what she was saying.

Joe: I think I can help.

Lois: Your wife and children are beautiful. It's so good to catch up, Ross. I'm glad I called.

Ross: I'm glad you did, too. Was your husband okay with you coming here?

Lois: Uh, yes, he turned out to be just fine with it.

Joe: All right. Let's see what we can pick up.

Mort Goldman: Please don't spit in my eggs. Please don't spit in my eggs. "Thank you for the eggs!" God, I hope he didn't spit in my eggs!

Waiter:: Hey, Doug. I just spit in that guy's eggs.

Rat: Our armies are ready. Soon it will be time to leave the sewers and strike back at the humans in the overworld.

Lois: I'm glad we both found someone to make us happy. I really enjoy being with you, Ross. I'm having a great time.

Peter: Oh, my God! That's who that is. Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.

Joe: I think we're losing them.

Peter: Wait! I got to hear more!

Joe: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!

Quagmire: Damn, this itches! I wonder who gave it to me. Probably that skank who needed a ride to the gas station! Last time I do somebody a favor! Oh, God! They must have heard me! Oh, God! I can hear me! [hums ('The Stars and Stripes Forever'?) ]

[Moist noises]

Stewie: [Exclaiming] What the hell do you think you're doing?

Brian: I'm cleaning myself.

Stewie: You were clean 15 minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Peter: So, Lois is seeing old boyfriends, huh? Well, two can play at that game. I just gotta find my little black book. [Dramatic instrumental music] Ah, here it is.

[outside house]

Peter: Brenda?

Brenda: Peter! Oh, my God! It's been 25 years!

Peter: Yeah. I guess you're married now, huh?

Brenda: Yeah. Ricky, you were right! I was pregnant!

Peppermint Patty: What's up, Pete? Long time no see.

Peter: Gosh, Patty! The years have been great to you.

Peppermint Patty: Well, I owe that to my better half.

Marcy: Who is it, sir?

Peter: Angie?

Angie: Peter? Oh, my God! Come in!

[Eerie instrumental music]

Peter: Uh, what is all this stuff?

Angie: Peter, I have been waiting for this moment for 25 years! I haven't washed my hand since you last touched it.

Peter: Oh, my God! That's disgusting!

Angie: And look! Look! I left the toilet just as it was the night we went to prom. It's the little piece of you that's kept your memory alive. But now I have you back...

[Peter flees]

Angie: Oh, well. At least I still have you. You hungry?

[Siren wailing]

Brian: Oh, crap! All right. Let me handle this.

Cop: You were going 65, fella. That's 10 miles over the...why are you holding that infant's hand?

Stewie: We met on the Internet.

Brian: Shut up!

Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super industrial adhesive?

Cop 2: Actually, yes, we have.

Meg: Dad, how come you keep looking at the door?

Peter: Oh, Meg. You and your drugs . [Doorbell rings]

Peter: I wonder who that could be.

Hooker: Peter Gifford?

Peter: My God! Dora, my old girlfriend. What a surprise that you would want to look me up! You always thought I was so handsome.

Lois: Peter, can I see you in the other room?

Brian: Yeah, go. Say it.

Stewie: Should I?

Brian: Yeah.

Stewie: I can't.

Brian: Just say it.

Stewie: Okay. How far can you get this banana...I can't say it. She's looking right at me.

Lois: Peter, what the hell is this about?

Peter: I'll tell you what it's about. It's about you and Ross Fishman!

Lois: What?

Peter: I saw you with him the other day breaking the fifth commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois!

Lois: That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out! What is your problem?

Peter: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much!

Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?

Peter: Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!

Lois: Peter, you're scaring me!

Peter: Good! Embrace the fear! Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of life! <crashes into china cabinet> Yeah, maybe you should call that marriage counselor.

Marriage Counselor: Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, I have reviewed your situation and I have a suggestion.

Lois: We're willing to do whatever it takes.

Marriage Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.

Peter: Wow! Just like that show, Big Brother. Except somebody'll be watching.

Marriage Counselor: All right. I've looked through all the video footage. I've compiled what I believe to be an accurate cross-section of your home life. Here are the results.

Lois: Peter, give Chris a spanking.

Peter: Okay. Chris, I'm watching the game. You know what to do.

Chris: [Shouting] This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Lois: [reading aloud] "Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was out in the yard raking leaves. God, I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves!"

[All laughing]

Meg: Hey, what's everybody... Oh, my God! My diary! I hate you all! [Meg wailing]

Peter: Keep going.

[Peter and Chris in grass skirts]

Peter: No. It's step-hip-step-pivot. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?

Stewie: Get my back, would you? Oh, that's it. Ooo, that feels good.

Peter: Hey, Lois, can you give me a hand with this jar?

Lois: Oh, For heaven's sake, Peter! [Bees swarm from jar] [Lois screaming]

Peter: Gotcha!

Marriage Counselor: To be honest, I've never seen such dysfunction. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, what I'm about to suggest may seem unorthodox. I recommend a trial separation, during which time I advise that you date other people. I believe this will help you gather perspective on your marriage.

Lois: Date other people?

Peter: Oh, my God!

Marriage Counselor: I realize this is very upsetting for you. That's why I've invited Howie Mandell to lighten the mood by blowing up a surgical glove with his nose.

[Howie Mandel enters and does his surgical glove routine, then passes out, cuts his head on the table, and begins bleeding on the floor]

Peter: [Laughing]

Peter: Boy, this feels really weird, Lois.

Lois: I know. But maybe the doctor's right. This time apart could be good for us.

Peter: I don't know, Lois. Splitting up didn't work too well for Pac-Man and his wife.

Red Ghost: Hey, c'mon, buddy. Forget about her.

Green Ghost: Yeah. You're too good for her anyway.

Yellow Ghost: Cheer up, man.

Red Ghost: Hey! You want to eat us? Huh? We're turning blue! We've got nowhere to run!

Yellow Ghost: Oh, my God! He's gonna get us!

Red Ghost: Yeah, he's not budging. Come on. Let's go to Q*Bert's.

Peter: I really appreciate you putting me up, Cleveland.

Cleveland: Our house is your house, Peter. I'd sit here and chat with you, but I need to get back upstairs to Loretta because it's our anniversary and the gettin's good.

[Cleveland yelling in pain and loud banging]

Cleveland: When is it gonna be my turn?

Muriel Goldman: You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like.

Peter: Thanks, Muriel. So, uh, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Mort Goldman: We like to watch old movies while listening to Hotel California to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.

[Phone rings]

Lois: Hello?

Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Is Peter there?

Lois: Hi, Quagmire. No, Peter's not home. We're, uh-we're having some minor marital problems. Our therapist has advised us to date other people.

Quagmire: Hey, Lois, you want to go out?

Lois: What? I don't know, Glen. Peter and I just separated. I feel like I need more time.

Quagmire: How about now?

Lois: We are supposed to see other people. I guess it's better to go out with you than some sex pervert.

Quagmire: I'm in! [Jabbering excitedly]

Stewie: God blast it! Would you hold it for five seconds? [Panting] Okay.

Neil Goldman: So, Mr. Griffin, how does it feel to be a bachelor on the prowl once again?

Peter: It's not as great as you might think. I just don't have the same way with women that I used to.

Peter: That was nice. That was nice. I had a really great time with you today, beautiful stranger. What's your sign? [Laughing] Gross. I still think you're neat though.

Mort Goldman: You should try a video dating service, Peter. That's how Muriel and I met.

Muriel Goldman: Let me show you Mort's tape. He was so charming.

Mort Goldman: Ah! Oh, my eyes! Could you please turn down that very bright light? It's burning my retinas. Ladies, I'm a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother. And I have very low standards. <sneezes> Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!

[Fly buzzing]

Stewie: What the hell is wrong with you?

Brian: Hey, there's the mail! Finally. All right, it says it takes an hour for this solvent to take effect.

Stewie: Well, let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand-up.

Brian: Ba-zing.

Quagmire: Oh, boy! We're gonna have a swell time tonight, Lois.

Lois: Glen, thank you for being such a good friend and looking after me like this.

Quagmire: No problem. It's chilly out, so I brought you a jacket.

Lois: No, thanks. I'll be fine.

Quagmire: Please?

Mort Goldman: Peter, Muriel and I both feel that you need to follow your therapist's advice and start dating.

Peter: Aw, geez, Mort! I don't know if I'm ready.

Mort Goldman: Come on, stud. We've got it all set up for you to go out with our niece. Honey, come on out here and meet Peter Griffin. Peter, this is our niece, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Jennifer Love Hewitt:: Nice to meet you.

Peter: All right, I'm getting up. Hi. Peter Griffin. Where do you want to go? Anywhere except the disco. They don't let me in anymore.

[Disco music playing]

Peter: Crappy Mexicans and your glass candy!

Brian: What's going on?

Man: There's a little girl down in that well.

Brian: Oh, my God!

Man: Unfortunately, nobody's arms are long enough to reach her. Except that one guy. But he's helping that woman tickle a midget in a tree.

Midget: Hee-hee-hee! Stop it!

Stewie: Oh, God! You want to rescue her, don't you? It's times like this I wish they'd used me for stem-cell research.

Girl: Help me!

Stewie: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Ha!

Brian: All right, I'm gonna lower you in.

Stewie: I just noticed. How often do you see a 17th century well in this day and age?

Brian: Hurry up! The glue's wearing off!

Brian: All right! All right!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Brian: We did it.

Stewie: Job well done.

Brian: And, we're not stuck together any more.

Stewie: Thank God!

Brian: You said it.

Stewie: You want to hold hands on the walk home?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Mother: Oh, Susie! Thank God you're all right! Wait a minute. This isn't my little girl.

Midget: Hey, that was my wife!

[Little people giggling]

Jennifer Love Hewitt: I Know What You Did Last Summer?

Peter: Never heard of it.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: The Devil and Daniel Webster?

Peter: Nope.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: Party of Five?

Peter: Was that a porno? Hey, hey, don't worry about it. Sometimes you gotta do a lot of crap before they put you in anything decent. Aw, the food here is fantastic. This is where I took Lois on our first date.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: You ordered a pie for an appetizer?

Peter: Oh, yeah, don't worry. I'll go to the john and fire one out in five minutes. That should make room for dinner.

Waiter: Here's your table, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire: Thanks. Hey, how about a couple of drinks?

Waiter: Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date?

Quagmire: No, no, no. I wouldn't bring...a glass of wine.

Lois: Oh, my God! That's Jennifer Love Hewitt! Wow! I wonder who she's here with? She could date any man she wanted to.

Peter: There. Made lots of room. Hey, waiter. That sign in the bathroom about washing your hands...that's only for the staff, right?

Waiter: Uh, technically, yes.

Peter: That's what I thought. Great. Oh, man! These all look good, every one of them. You want some bread?

Jennifer Love Hewitt: No!

Lois: Peter, is that you?

Quagmire: Peter? Oh, no! I can't let him see me!

Lois: It's okay, Quagmire. We're just doing what the therapist said we should do. Peter, I think it's great you're out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hi. I loved you in "Heartbreakers." You be on your best behavior.

Peter: Here you go, sweetheart. Open up.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: No!

Peter: There you go. Isn't this romantic?

Jennifer Love Hewitt: That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met! And I have never been more turned on in my life.

Lois: Hold on, toots! I don't care what our therapist says. I won't stand by and watch my husband lock lips with another woman! Now, beat it!

Jennifer Love Hewitt: What's your problem, Grandma?

Lois: You are! And I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free!

Peter: Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois.

Lois: Gosh! I guess I finally understand...

Jennifer Love Hewitt: [screaming]

Lois: Yeah, you better run, you little bitch! I guess I finally understand how you can get so jealous sometimes. Seeing her kiss you like that just made me crazy.

Peter: Well, I guess we're just gonna have to learn to control our jealousy together.

Lois: Together.

Waiter: Ma'am, you dropped your napkin.

Waitress: Here's your drink, sir.

Peter: Ah, we'll work on it later. I love you, Lois.

Lois: I love you, too, Peter.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: What a couple of freaks! God, I need a drink!

Quagmire: Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!

[Closing theme music]