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Theme Song

Brian: I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. I mean, I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning.

Dr. Kaplan: Really?

Brian: You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times.

[cut to Brian watching "Behind the Music" and mouthing the words]

Friend: Hey uh, hey, Leif. It's been a while.

Leif: Too long, man. I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so...

Friend: You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night.

Leif: But-but I was driving.

Friend: I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I?

Leif: Can we turn off the cameras, dude?

Brian: It's like, it's like I'm, I don't know, trapped in my own life.

Dr. Kaplan: Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. Why don't you do some volunteer work?

Brian: That makes sense. Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce.

Dr. Kaplan: You still have 13 more minutes.

Brian: Oh. Do I? Hmm. I notice you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?

Dr. Kaplan: That's my daughter.

Brian: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Mr. Weed: Attention, everyone. Due to several complaints and two deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday.

Peter: Hey, Derek, how are you getting to the picnic?

Derek: I don't know. I don't have a ride.

Peter: Hey, John, you got a two-seater, don't you? Hey, Derek, maybe you go with John? Huh?

Derek: For the last time, I'm not gay!

John: Thanks anyway, Peter.

Peter: Hey, we'll get him.

[Brian is a guide dog, taking a blind man to a movie]

Brian: Here. Right this way. Watch your step. Okay, they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. I think they're looking for some witch. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.

Meg: Now, remember, Chris we have to work together, so that our steps... [screams]

Peter: Aw, this is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf guy."

Mr. Weed: Go!

Deaf guy: You're never gonna catch me! You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else! See you all next year!

Brian: King me.

Elderly woman: I don't want to play anymore. The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug.

Brian: I-I can't.

Elderly woman: Be my angel and set me free. Please? [Brian goes for the plug] Oh, my God! You were really gonna do it! Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse!

Brian: You are twisted, lady! You hear me? You are screwed up in the head!

Mr. Weed: The winner of our final contest will receive a very special prize. A week's paid vacation!

Peter: Did you hear that? Oh, God, please, let it be farting. Please let it be a fart contest.

Mr. Weed: These are tranquilizer darts. I have enough here to take down Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey-yes, well, the last one left standing wins. Let the game begin!

Chris: All right, Dad!

Lois: Go, Peter!

Stewie: Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

Joe: Hey there, Brian.

Brian: Hi, Joe. Hey, Bonnie making chicken marsala tonight?

Joe: No. She made that three nights ago. Wow, that's some nose you got!

Brian: Yeah. One time it almost got me a spokesman deal.

Toucan Sam: Follow your nose. Follow your nose. Follow your nose.

Brian: [snickers] I'm sorry. No, that was good. I just didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it.

Toucan Sam: Well, how would you read it?

Brian: I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like an actor. But, you know, your way's good, too.

Joe: You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct.

Brian: Really?

Johnson: I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter. One of us is gonna win that paid vacation.

Peter: I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub.

Johnson: Peter, are you okay?

[Engine revving]

Johnson: Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-oof!

Mr. Weed: We have a winner!

Peter: Here, kitty, kitty.

Brian: No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

Joe: It looks like that's it, except for the flight crew.

Quagmire: Hey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Joe: Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.

Quagmire: Oh, yeah? How good are you?

Brian: You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...and a man.

Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women! ...No!

Brian: Wait a second. Got something.

Joe: This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it!

[Joe and Brian book down the hallway to the "CHiPs" theme]

Joe: Don't move, dirt bag!

Brian: It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! This is great. Ah, this is the rush I've been looking for.

Joe: Good work, Brian. You still got a little...

Brian: Oh, oh. Thanks.

Lois: So, Peter. Where shall we go for your week off?

Peter: I was thinking we could all go to purgatory, like we did last year.

Lois: This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad.

Brian: It's so-so.

Peter: More or less.

Peter: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?

Brian: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?

Peter: I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30.

Brian: Do you know what Joe said the street value of that cocaine would've been?

Lois: Let's see. Four and a half kilos uncut Nicaraguan...$1.7 mil, that area?

Brian: Uh, yeah. That's right.

Meg: You guys! Brian's famous!

Lois: You're a hero!

Peter: Way to go, pal!

Brian: Oh, come on. Stop it, you guys. It's nothing, really. Lois. Your toast is ready.

Lois: Oh, my.

Brian: Meg's using a new conditioner.

Meg: He's right!

Peter: How do you like that?

Meg: That's amazing.

Brian: And it's time to change Stewie.

Stewie: That's preposterous. I haven't...oh, there it is. All right.

Brian: Stop the car! Over there. Everybody freeze! This is a bust!

Joe: Brian, this is a Sunday School class.

Brian: The hell it is! Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring.

Joe: But these are just kids.

Brian: Oh, yeah? What's your name?

Ricky: Ricky.

Brian: They're not kids-they're midgets! Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!

Joe: Oh, my God! Look out, Brian!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Joe: Nice work, rookie.

Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.

Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian.

Brian: Huh, thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose...and a few other equally amazing appendages.

Joe: Well, I'd better take this cocaine down to Evidence.

Brian: Hey, I'll do that. I'll catch up with you guys at the pub.

Lois: So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!

Peter: Ah, this is gonna be great. Cruises are the best.

Lois: And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard. Ha! Listen to me. I sound like an old salt.

Stewie: [Stewie laughs sarcastically] Yes, though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea.

[Comic operetta music] Stewie: ♪ I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy ♪

Sailors: ♪ And your record will stand as proof ♪

Stewie: ♪ Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator ♪

Sailors: ♪ And you're also a world-class poof ♪

Stewie: ♪ My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street ♪ ♪ For a sailor who can pirouette on cue ♪ ♪ Well, despite your point of view, I can thrill a girl or two... ♪ ♪ But I'd rather get it on with you ♪

Brian: Sorry to be tardy to the party.

Meg: Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret.

Brian: Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face!

Lois: So how was your day?

Brian: My day? Un-freakin'-believable! First, we nailed this bastard who hid his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake! Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you-blah blah blah-knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was.

Peter: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

Brian: So take it from me, McGriffin the Drug Dog, if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to...Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown.

Gerald: Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? Because I'm free of S-T-Ds!

Kid 1: That McGriffin guy was so cool!

Kid 2: Totally! I'm never doing drugs now!

Brian: Got milk? [Manic laughter]

Peter: Now, Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan.

Chris: But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma."

Peter: Oh, that's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in. Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this?

Man: Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines!

Peter: Oh, crap! Where the hell is he?

Chris: Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. Oh, look. My very own lion!

Peter: Oh, my God! Huh. Must've got the wrong hat.

Rocky: And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.

[Crime show instrumental music]

Joe: Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal.

Brian: Hey, hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal! And I'm gonna find 'em.

Horowicz: <Irish accent> Ah, patience, lad. It took dear St. Patrick more than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes.

Brian: Can the Irish crap, will you, Horowicz?

Horowicz: <American accent> Okay.

Brian: Open it!

Man: Let me go! Help! Help!

Brian: All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear!

Joe: Sir, we apologize. Griffin, there's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem.

Brian: A drug problem? What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe, is that it?

Joe: Give me your badge.

Brian: Fine! By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him.

Horowicz Well, it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I.... "Look at me! I'm Joe! My legs don't work but I make up for it by having a very strong upper body!"

Joe: Ha ha ha ha! Well, I do say that.

Lois: Oh, 'The Old Man and the Sea.' I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise.

Peter: Yeah. Stupid fisherman. Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him.

Stewie: Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home.

Brian: Everybody, this is Tina.

Lois: What happened to you?

Brian: How about a little less questions, and a little more shut the hell up?

Stewie: You know, just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults.

Lois: Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home.

Tina: So, what? She's like your mom or something?

Lois: Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?

Brian: Here, baby, I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about.

Lois: Brian will you-Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs!

Stewie: Wait, wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite!

Lois: Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now?

Brian: Oh, sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife? And look at you two. Quasimodo and Lumpy. I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn.

Stewie: Do me! Do me next!

Brian: Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park.

Brian: Doc. What the hell are you doing here?

Dr. Kaplan: Your family has something they'd like to say to you.

Meg: "Brian, I know I don't speak up much and it's really hard for me to talk about my feelings, but..."

Dr. Kaplan: Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter?

Peter: "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick."

[Peter as David Letterman]

Peter: So she hated my tie until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber.

[Studio audience laughing]

Peter: Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music?

Brian: [as Paul Shaffer] ♪ Peter's tie, Peter's tie, that's because Peter's the guy ♪ All right. That's it. A little tie music.

Peter:Yeah!

Brian: Look, you guys got it all wrong. I-I-I'm so sorry, everyone! God. I need help!

Stewie: Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A melan-collie. Nothing? Wait. No. I should've said: "Chi-wah-wah." I don't have to f*cking impress you.

Peter: Look, I'm not insensitive, Lois. But I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just 'cause the dog's a cokehead.

Lois: We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab. We'll just have to wait 'till next year.

Peter: Aw, man!

Brian: Peter, I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club Med.

[Brian's cousin Jasper singing and dancing to Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot"]

Peter: Holy crap! Look at this place. This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow.

Meg: They have tennis courts!

Stewie: And a full spa!

Chris: Wow! No wonder people do drugs!

Lois: Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean.

Peter: Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis.

Stewie: Oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold, and I get squat. I'll be in the car.

Doctor: That was a very productive first day, Brian. Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place.

Brian: Well, just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders. Thanks, Doctor.

[back in room]

Brian: What are you doing here?

Peter: I'm on vacation! Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

Brian: Peter, this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here.

Peter: Why not? This place is way better than a cruise. You should've seen it. I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today.

Brian: Peter, this isn't a vacation for me. For God's sake, I'm trying to get healthy!

Peter: Yeah, okay, okay. All right. Hey, softball this afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake.

Woman: Okay, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. Ten more reps. Okay, and one, and two, and three...

Peter: Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies!

[in lunchroom]

Peter: I'll trade you this for your cupcake. What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side.

Doctor: I've been observing your behavior, and I don't think you're a addict. I think you're an idiot.

Peter: Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!

Doctor: I'll be keeping my eye on you. What's your name?

Peter: My name? <spots pea on plate>"Pea...<see girl crying>...tear...<sees the mythological griffin fly by>...Griffin." Yeah, yeah, Peter Griffin. Oh, crap.

[Peter driving in golf cart]

Peter: Hey, Brian, I was looking for you. Hey, you want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?

Brian: I can't. Group therapy, 2:00.

Peter: Oh, man, I peeked in on one of those. It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison.

[Music from Charles in Charge]

Peter: ♪ Charles in Charge of our days and our nights♪ ♪Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights and I sing I want Charles in Charge-♪ Hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there! You wacky Beatle.

Brian: Well, I have been making a lot of progress lately. I guess missing a session wouldn't be the end of the world.

Peter: There you go!

[Peter and Brian in rowboat]

Peter: Hey, what do you think they put in the bug juice?

Brian: Bugs.

Peter: No, they don't! Come on! Shut up!

[Brian and Peter do the old 'hand in the water' trick]

[Women screaming in labor]

[Babies crying]

Doctor: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births!

Brian: Sorry, Doc. I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff.

Doctor: Wait a minute. Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?

Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. See? I can make up words, too, sister.

Doctor: Well, I think we found your X-factor.

Brian: What? Do you mean Peter?

Doctor: His behavior is clearly a negative influence on you. With your intelligence and sensitivity, obviously...

Brian: Whoa, hey! I made my own mistakes, all right? This man took me into his home, and he treated me like family. He's my best friend.

Doctor: Yes. And look where you've ended up.

Brian: You know what? I think my therapy here is complete. I came here to get clean, and I did. So good-bye.

Peter: Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die 50 years before I do.

[Lois is playing piano to the tune of 'La Cucaracha']

Lois: ♪ He was all coked up, and we were choked up♪ ♪But now we're happy Brian's home, Cha-cha-cha!♪

Joe: I am serious, Lois. You could be in show business!

Quagmire: Hey, Meg. 18 yet?

Meg: No.

Quagmire: Hey, Chris, how are you?

Chris: Well, I'm glad I...

Quagmire: All right!

Joe: Brian, I feel a little guilty. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk.

Brian: Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny. And that's why I'm leaving.

Peter: Leaving? You can't leave.

Brian: I have to, Peter. For me. I love you all.

Lois: Somebody say something.

Stewie: Brian, wait!

Brian: Hold on a second. [Stewie spits in Brian's face] Airport, please.

[Title: to be continued...]

[closing theme music]